destructionxxx

Picture this; you’re nineteen years old with the world at your fingertips, it’s a beautiful summer night and you’re at your favorite place on earth. In this story, it’s an amusement park - Luna Park in Brooklyn New York to be technic. The smell of popcorn, cotton candy and carnival food is in the air, the stars above are clear and the moon is the biggest you’ve seen it in a very long time. There’s the sound of laughter, screams and chatter, as well as the cacophony of ride music and the clatter of coaster tracks. There’s no where else in the world you would rather be than in this moment in time right here and now. And then, as if the night couldn’t get more perfect - you see them. The apple of your hearts desire that you didn’t even know you had been looking for. And just like that, the rest of the world falls away and the only person you see in the entire world, is them.

That was exactly what it was like the moment Kellan saw Lisbeth Cohen for the very first time. It was as if he had tunnel vision, the sounds and blur of motion around him faded to practically nothing and all he could think in that moment was just how painfully beautiful the girl he was seeing in front of him was. She was with her friends, laughing as she wiped chocolate from the corner of her lips and as crazy as it seemed in that moment all he wanted to know was what it was like to kiss those lips and get lost in them. He was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, and it was a feeling he had never felt before. It was almost as if her soul was singing to his own and together the two could write a sonata unlike anything the world had ever heard.

Kellan had never been the shy type, so he made his way to her without hesitation and introduced himself and the rest - as they say - is history. They spent the rest of the night together, talking, laughing, stealing glances and small touches and getting to know one another. Before long, all of their friends had gone and it was just the two of them. The park had even started to clear and he knew that soon it would be closing down. Before the park closed, he asked her what the last ride of the night should be and to his dismay she answered - the Ferris wheel. Kellan had an irrational fear of heights and something about that ride had always put him on edge, but he didn’t voice this concern to her because in that moment all he wanted was to make her happy.

They road the ferris wheel to the top, and it jolted to a stop. Up there they could see the entire park in it’s perfect glory, every light and attraction laid out before them as if it was all just for them. And in that moment, he kissed her. That kiss was the very first of his undoing. The moment their lips met he felt a spark he had never felt before, and would never feel again in all the years to come. His body and soul felt light and alive and he knew he was completely screwed.

The park closed and they were told they needed to leave the premisses, so they left the park together to find somewhere else to go. They ended up spending the rest of the night on the Brooklyn bridge, talking as they sat together in the moonlight until the sun came up. He knew from that night on that he wanted to be with her forever and it wasn’t a feeling he was used to. He had dated in the past, but most of his relationships ended badly or went nowhere. A few ended on good terms but this one - this was the one. He wasn’t sure how he knew it, or why he was so certain of it, but he felt in his heart that everything had been leading up to this one night and meeting this one person. His person. They exchanged contact information and reluctantly left one another’s company, only to stay in near constant contact through text or voice calls.

Next came the hard part - the part that usually scared off any real potential to have a relationship and left his love life dead in the water. He always dreaded having the talk but he knew he never wanted to keep any secrets from her, he only wanted total and complete transparency so the next day he asked her to meet him so they could talk. He had been terrified, afraid that what was honestly the most amazing night of his life to date would become a far distant memory and that she would go running in fear. But when they met and he told her about the Moonies, her reaction was not at all what he was expecting. Other women had been afraid of his chosen path as a criminal, had looked at him with disgust or fear and had ended things or had tried to stay but only ended up leaving in the end. He didn’t want this to turn out to be like that, and once he had gotten it all off his chest he had been surprised to get another reaction from her - one he had never experienced with anyone else prior; curiosity.

Beth wanted to know more about his world, wanted to know how it all worked and meet the men that had chosen to loyally follow him no matter the threat of danger. Quickly, Lisbeth not only accepted his world, but became a part of it. She was initiated into the Moonies and before long she was his right hand woman, the second in command. She didn’t just demand respect from the Moonies, she earned it. The two became the king and queen of crime, pulling off elaborate heists, boosting cars and making a name for themselves in the criminal world. She was safe under his protection and everyone knew not to mess with her. His men followed her without question or hesitation. She was his calm in the storm, and whenever he felt his temper getting the best of him, she was there to make sure he kept a level head. In many situations she was the one that kept him from getting caught or killed. She was his rock, his anchor and he knew he would never survive in this world without her.

They were in love. And nothing could stop them.

The two had planned to spend their lives together, had talked about their future and what that entailed. Someday, marriage and sooner rather than later - a home to call their own. But one thing that they had never talked about was having children. And the day Lisbeth found out she was pregnant was the day that everything changed.

After the hardest decision they had ever had to make in their lives, the pair bought a home in Queens, a moderate sized home with room for their soon to be family. Kellan was still terrified, scared of what kind of father he would be and worried that the child would grow to hate or resent him. But she was his constant reminder that he could do it. That he was a good man and he was deserving of good things. And soon the idea of having a family became normal to him. They decorated a nursery, bought clothes and baby toys and talked about names. The date of their child’s birth was fast approaching and before long, she went into labor.

Kellan had always fast held onto the idea that meeting Beth was the best day of his life, but the day they brought their daughter into the world together quickly became that for him. He loved her, with every fiber of his being, and by extension he loved their little girl just as much. She was perfect, dark hair and light eyes and she looked exactly like her mother - perfect in every way. Now he had two beautiful girls in his life that he would die to protect. And even though he knew everything was changing, he knew it was for the best and through it all they would have each other.

But some predestined things were not meant to be.

The following days after they brought their daughter Ryan home, were some of the happiest days of his life. They would spend hours just looking at her, holding her tiny fingers and counting her toes to make sure they were all there. Making faces at her just waiting for the day when she was old enough to smile at them, or even give them a little laugh that only a new child was capable of. He was excited to share in all the firsts with her. First steps, first words, first lost tooth, first everything. But as the days went on, he felt a distance between them. He felt Beth pulling away from him and he didn’t understand it. Wasn’t being a new parent supposed to bring you closer together despite the late nights with little to no sleep? But he told himself, it was likely postpartum depression or the fluctuation of hormones her body had undergone. He told himself, with time, she would return to her normal self. He wished so badly that had been true.

On a night like any other, Kellan bathed their daughter and put her to bed, she was sound asleep and he made his way to bed to spend what little time they had before she awoke again just the two of them. But he got that feeling again, that gut feeling that told him something was off. Beth left that night, with a kiss and a declaration of how much she loved and appreciated him. It felt like a goodbye. He wanted to go in her place, to let her stay home and relax while he ran the errands she insisted needed done that night. But she wouldn’t be persuaded. She promised she just needed a bit of fresh air and that she would return soon and he watched her walk out the door with the sinking feeling he would never see her again, warring with his certainty that she loved him and she would never go anywhere. He wished he hadn’t let her go, because that was the last time he ever saw her.

Five long years passed and Kellan raised their daughter alone. He never understood why the woman that had promised to love him for eternity and spend her life with him suddenly left him with their newborn daughter without a word. As the years went on he had given up the idea of seeing her face in the crowd, or of answering the door to find her there. He had accepted that, for whatever reason, they just weren’t destined to be as he had always believed. He had no idea how he would explain the loss to their little girl, and she was getting older now, old enough to ask where her own mommy was, and why she wasn’t with them. He knew eventually he would have to tell her the truth, and that scared him senseless.

Now I bet you never thought the story would end like this. That a story of such pure, unadulterated love and devotion between two people would have such a tragic ending, but that’s where you’re wrong.

Those feelings Kellan had, that he would see her face in a crowd, or find her once more standing on his doorstep - they were predestined to come true. Just not when he thought they would. One knock on the door one cold storming night in Queens five years after he had lost all hope, Kellan found himself once more face to face with a ghost from his past. In that moment, a million muddled thoughts went through his mind. All the anger, the pain, the confusion and suffering came flooding back, and so did his longing, his desire, his completely all consuming love. All of these emotions flooded him, somehow too much and not enough all at once. The woman he loved and lost, the mother of his child, the one true person he had always believed he was meant for - was back. And it was for good.

“Look into yourself and you’ll realize that you are a good man who will have to do bad things.”

- Pierce Brown, Red Rising

This wasn’t exactly the life that Kellan had envisioned for himself. Not all of it was bad, granted, a lot of things in his life were really quite good. He had good, reliable friends, a beautiful little girl that was the absolute light and love of his life, and the woman he had lost had miraculously returned after year without a word. He had a roof over his head, food to put on the table, and a steady and reliable income. Granted his income didn’t exactly stem from legal means, but it still paid the bills and made sure he could provide a life for his daughter that he felt was what she deserved. Unfortunately, it meant that sometimes he had to do some really bad things. Things that he wouldn’t dare tell the people who loved him about for fear of what they might think of him. He had blood on his hands, in every sense of the word, so much that he felt he was permanently stained. He was more grateful then ever in moments like this that no one was capable of reading his mind, because one thing he hated more than anything was having to lie to someone he cared about.

“Kendell, I know it’s short notice, but is there any chance you could watch Ry for a little while? I have some unexpected business I have to take care of..” Kendell had been one of his closest friends for years now, spanning all the way back to when they were teenagers. They had both had children pretty close together and had helped each other with the raising of their little girls who had grown to be as close as sisters. The best part about Kendell? She never asked any questions. He knew she didn’t agree with what he did for a living, she didn’t like that he ran with a group of criminals and she never wanted to know the details because what he did truthfully scared her. It was the one thing about him that he kept to himself, when everything else was an open book. And in times like these, he knew he could count on her for a safe place for his daughter to go while he did what needed done. “Thank you,” he said into the phone, “I’ll grab a few of her things and be there shortly.” Hanging up the phone he sighed, rubbing his face with his hands before regaining his composure and moving to pack a few things.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” he was saying to Ryan, who was groggy and sleepy in the passenger seat. He absolutely hated having to drag her out of bed like this so late at night, but he was always too nervous to leave her at home alone and this wasn’t something that could wait. He had to take care of it tonight. Arriving at Kendell’s house he took her inside and got her comfortable, he was relieved when she fell right back to sleep and he turned to his friend, pulling her into a hug, “I can’t thank you enough, I shouldn’t be more than a few hours.” He felt that guilt in the pit of his stomach, knowing that she would never let him leave if she knew what he was about to do, but it had to be done.

He left the house and was back in his car, making quick work of his drive to an abandoned warehouse. Inside the warehouse were several of his moonies, all quietly talking amongst themselves and they looked up as he approached. They parted at his arrival, showing that in the center there was a male tied to a chair, his mouth covered and Kellan stopped once he was in front of him. He crouched down, shaking his head with a sigh as he rubbed a tattooed hand at his jawline. “I’m really disappointed in you. We might be criminals, but we have some human decency, at least. Has that not always been the rule around here?” He ripped the tape off his mouth without bothering to be gentle and perked a questioning brow, “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”

“Kellan please, don’t do this I didn’t —“ the male sputtered in a panic and he cut him off, putting up a hand and speaking over him, “Just kidding, I don’t give a fuck. We don’t give fuck ups like this a free pass. You know, I hate this. But you’ve left me no choice.” Pulling the gun from the back of his pants he turned off the safety and fired, the bullet landing it’s target right between his eyes. They flew wide and then he slumped forward, blood starting to flow freely from the wound. Kellan shook his head, internally he was struggling to remember that he actually was a good person. A caring and protective father, a friend, someone who helped people in need. He was decent. But here, with a dead body in front of him he felt he was losing sight of that.

Ducks ~ July 8th, 2020

“You’ve got something on your nose.” Kellan was teasing his little girl, who was busy eagerly digging into a small ice cream cone. He had a bit on her nose and as he tried to look crosseyed at her nose he reached over and booped her softly. She laughed and he grabbed a napkin, wiping the ice cream from her face, handing it to her and letting her finish. He checked his phone to see how cold it was out and deciding that even though it was overcast, it was still warm enough to keep her out for a little while. It had been a hard few years, since his girlfriend, Ry’s mom, had left them one night without word or warning, He wasn’t even sure he had wanted to be a father, the thought hadn’t crossed his mind until the moment he found out she was pregnant. They had weighed their options and in the end, decided to settle down and start a family together.

But he had never anticipated having to do it alone. Still, the lessons he learned from what happened changed him as a man, and being a single father changed him even more. He hadn’t really been in a serious relationship, maybe a hook up here or there, but nothing ever panned out because emotionally - he was shut off from everyone and put all his love and attention into making sure his little girl had the best life she could possibly hope for. This was one of his favorite things to do, take his daughter on a father daughter date and spoil her with treats and toys. He hoped that it was a tradition that would keep for years, even as she grew up and grew too old for his constant companionship. He loved her, more than he had ever loved anyone in his life - her mother included.

“Alright, are you ready? We have another stop before we go home to veg out and watch Disney movies.” She lit up at the mention of having another stop, and started talking about what movie they would watch. She was a little talker, despite the fact that she was only five, and he loved it. He let her talk, go on and on about whatever she felt passionate or excited about at the time. He felt it was very important for her to be able to learn to express herself in whatever way she chose. Thanking the man behind the counter for serving them he left a few dollars in the tip jar and scooped the girl into his arms, holding her at his hip. It wasn’t a far walk to the docks, and along the way they stopped in a small convenience store to buy a loaf of bread. Once they arrived he set her down, crouching at her height and pulling out a slice of the bread.