The rain had started pouring down by the time I got home. My mama had already gotten off of work so I entered the house through the back door instead of the front. I hurried into my room and took off my clothes before putting on a pair of shorts and dashing into the bathroom across the hallway. I took off the shorts and jumped into the shower as fast as I could. His scent was still on me and I had to get it off. I didn’t want anyone to know what I’d just done. I damn sure didn’t want them to know what was going on in my head.
Was I still me? Was I still Hakeem Garrett after what I’d done? That was what I kept asking myself as I cleaned my body. After everything I’d done before that day, I was finally facing the reality of it all. This wasn’t the same thing as letting Dayvon Carson or Isaiah Lennard suck my dick in my car behind the gym after school. I’d gone past that point with Myles. I touched him back when he touched me. I kissed his lips when he kissed mine. I fucked him and kissed him the entire time I was fucking him. I lost control of myself while I was inside of him. Was I still a man? Was I still Hakeem?
“Tired of chicken?” my mama asked me while we were eating dinner.
“You haven’t touched your plate yet and that’s rare for you.”
“I’m just not that hungry.”
“Yeah right,” chimed in my little twelve year old brother Derrick.
“Well eat a few bites so you won’t be hungry before going to bed later.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I picked up my fork and ate some of the food.
My mind was put at temporary ease as I sat there at the table with my mama and little brother. If they couldn’t tell something was different then I figured other people probably wouldn’t be able to tell. Then again, things had been weird ever since my parents divorced and my dad moved out. We didn’t seem as close as we were before. Me and Derrick visited dad every other weekend and for the first time, I wasn’t looking forward to spending the weekend with him. He was the main person I was afraid of finding out that I had sex with another boy. I’d heard him and his buddies talk about how much they hate faggots. I knew that even though I was the best player on my school’s basketball team, he’d immediately disown me if he ever knew what I’d done.
So after dinner I was in my room listening to music when I began to think about Myles again. Myles Pollard was a dude in my anatomy class. We got paired up for a project one day back in October and I knew the very first time that I was alone with him that I wanted to do things with him. He was a little girly and was short and skinny. I’d noticed him before the day we worked on the project but being alone with him made me notice other things about him. I got to know a lot about him and he always asked for my opinion on his artwork since he wanted to go to college and study art. My dick would get hard whenever I thought about him. Luckily, basketball practice took my mind off of him. And then once the basketball season started up, I was able to forget about him for long periods of time outside of our anatomy class.
When basketball season came to an end, I thought about him constantly. We got paired up for another assignment and that’s when I couldn’t control the urges anymore. He noticed my hard dick in my shorts and started to test me. After a week of back and forth, we finally did it. I was cool with letting a dude suck me as long as I didn’t have to touch him or kiss him. But with Myles, I wanted to do it all and we did it all. He was tighter than any girl I’d ever been with and he didn’t pressure me to be his boyfriend afterwards. I think that’s what attracted me the most to him; he was down for anything. And since his parents were always busy with work and he was an only child, he always had the house to himself. That house was like the perfect getaway for me. I could escape my own world and relax myself in his.
“Wassup,” I said into the phone the moment he picked up on the other end.
“Hey,” he replied. “I didn’t think you’d call me.”
“Because you left here kinda quick. I just assumed you’d never talk to me again.”
“I uh…I can’t stop thinkin’ about you.”
He giggled and asked, “Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve never did that before. It’s still on my mind.”
“You’ve never had sex before?”
“That ain’t what I meant. I haven’t with…you know…another dude.”
“Oh. Well, I knew that. I had to keep telling you to ease it in and most guys who fool around with other guys know that already.”
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“I’m a little sore but I’m okay.”
“Myles, is it cool if…” I paused and sighed because I was getting frustrated with how nervous I was. “I wanna see you.”
“No, I wanna see you in person.”
“My parents are home now. This is one of their rare evenings away from the office.”
“Can you meet me somewhere then?”
“The school gym. Meet me there in about fifteen minutes.”
After changing into my jersey, shorts and sneakers, I told my mama I was going to play basketball with my teammates at the rec center and then headed out. The rain was still falling and it was now dark outside. When I got to the school gym, I ran inside and waited in the lobby for Myles to pull up. He arrived a few minutes after me and when he stepped inside, I led him through the double doors and onto the basketball court.
“Looks like you’re about to play in a game,” he joked. “You do look sexy in your jersey and those shorts. So why did you wanna meet here?”
“Because this is my home away from home,” I admitted. “I feel like a king when I’m in here. Sometimes I just lay down on the floor and close my eyes. I can hear all the cheers and the score buzzer goin’ off. I can even hear the sound of sneakers squeakin’ on the floor.”
“I am gonna miss watching y’all win games here. I can’t believe we’re gonna be graduating in two months.”
“Yeah, me either.” I grabbed his hand and led him over to the bleachers. We sat down and while still holding his hand, I kissed him.
“I just wanted to do that one last time.”
“Myles, I wanted to meet here so that I could tell you in person that I can’t do what I did with you today ever again.”
“I’m not gay. I can’t be gay.”
“I know you’re not gay, Hakeem. You’ve been with almost every girl in the twelfth grade.”
“So you’re cool with forgettin’ it all?”
“No, I’m not cool with that. I don’t want to end it. I like you a lot.”
“And I like you but I’m not supposed to.”
“Everyone. Myles, I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. I think about you all the time and today in your room…I wasn’t expectin’ all this.”
“All these feelings. I thought that maybe by havin’ sex with you that it would change how I felt about you but it just made me like you even more. And I can’t even allow this to go further. I don’t wanna hurt you but I gotta walk away from this.” I stood up and he stood up in front of me.
“Are you afraid of being outed? You know I’d never tell anybody.”
“You don’t have to tell people. They’d probably figure it out on their own. I might start walkin’ or talkin’ a different way and…”
“That’s not how it works, Hakeem. If you’re secure with your manhood then nothing can intimidate you or make you feel a certain way.”
“Well, maybe I’m not secure with my manhood then. Either way, I got issues goin’ on and I don’t think my mind is in the right place to continue with this right now.”
He threw his arms up and said, “I don’t understand you. One minute you’re all over me and the next, you push me away. Are you confused?”
“No, it’s not like that. I know that I’m attracted to you and on some levels, I really care about you. But there’s a lot of shit I need to work on and it ain’t fair for me to ask you to go through this shit with me. You got your own life and I got mine. We’re from two different worlds, Myles.”
“So what has the last five and half months been to you? Just some big experiment?”
“No. I’ve been gettin’ my dick sucked by dudes for a minute but I ain’t never felt this way about them. I’ve only felt this way about girls.”
“And? Hakeem, you can’t help who you’re attracted to.”
“You’re right, I can’t. But I can control who I fuck and don’t fuck.”
“What we did today wasn’t just fucking! We kissed and you held me for a little while. It was more than just sex. I can’t believe you’re acting like this.”
“Look, I’m sorry. This isn’t just about what we did today. I was raised a certain way, Myles. My dad hates gays and he has never hid that hatred. I love my dad and I don’t want him to turn his back on me because of this.”
“No, because I’m not the son he thinks I am.”
“You mean the hyper-masculine son who is supposed to be homophobic like his father? Hakeem, you should just be you.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. This started way before I had sex with you, Myles. My world will never be the same again after today and I need to find a way to deal with that. I can’t do that and be your boyfriend at the same time. I’m sorry but I can’t. You deserve to be with a guy who has it all together and will put you first.”
“No situation can ever be perfect. Believe it or not, I can help you.”
“Nah, this is somethin’ I gotta do on my own.”
Tears began to form in his eyes and he turned his back to me and asked, “So, what am I supposed to do?”
“Please don’t cry. I’m sorry.”
“I’m pissed at you and I wanna slap you but I love you too much.” He turned back to face me. “I love you, Hakeem. I’ve been falling for you this whole time and today when you texted me and asked if I wanted to do it, I thought you were finally falling for me to. I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not stupid. But Myles, I don’t love you. I can’t even think about the possibility of bein’ in love with another dude.”
“You have managed to make this both the best and worst day of my life.” He pulled a folded piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me.
“It’s a drawing I made right after you left my house. Just as I was finishing it, you called me. I had already told myself I’d give it to you the next time I saw you. I had no idea that you were gonna pull this shit on me.”
“Here, you should keep it.” I tried to hand him the folded paper back but he wouldn’t take it.
“No, you keep it. Maybe it will remind you of what you could’ve had.” He wiped his tears and looked at me one last time before saying, “Good luck with finding yourself.”
He took off running and even though a part of me wanted to run after him, I stayed there. I sat down on the floor and after contemplating it for a while, I unfolded the piece of paper and looked at the drawing. It was a drawing drawn in colored pencils of two black birds sitting on a rock together on a beach. The bigger bird had its right wing outstretched and around the smaller bird, comforting it. They were looking out at the blue ocean. He’d even drawn the sun’s reflection in the water. It was a beautiful drawing. I couldn’t bring myself to ball it up and throw it away, so I folded it back up and stuffed it into my shorts pocket. I decided that I was going to hide it in between my mattress and box spring once I got home.
As I drove back home, I finally admitted in my head that I loved Myles. I’d never been in love before but I knew that’s what it was because I felt sick at the thought of not being alone with him again. Had I been selfish, I would’ve kept doing what I was doing with him even though I had my own issues going on. But I wasn’t selfish. I cared about his feelings enough to be real with him. I loved him enough to let him go and not put him through the emotional ups and downs that I’d have to experience while coming to terms with who I was. Maybe one day things would be different. Maybe after we start college and come home for a break, the absence will create a different atmosphere for me. All I knew for sure was that nothing would ever be the same for me again, and that I no longer knew who Hakeem Garrett was.
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
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