
if i look back, i am lost
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we're not kids anymore.
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@desdemonalisa

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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who are you? for what you are born in this world and what is your  ultimate ambition?Â
Girl, Interrupted, dir. James Mangold (1999)
Words <3
I think I will find love one day. And I will try. I will try to let it in.
For the love of words.
The first "I love you" will taste like hope. The last "I love you" will taste like a lie. The "I love you" that you waited for but never arrived will taste like a blade.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Words
If your words cut as my blade, I would be dead by now and all of this would be less painful.
The Future
And I swear one day, I'll be someone that I am not and it'll be even greater than who I am, whoever that is.
Everything is nothing until you have someone to show it to and share it with.
Holidays are very upsetting. And it’s cold. And my hand shakes. And then the usual depressions come. And I wish for death. But: ash coloured houses with green doors. Smell of coffee roasting. What would the writing of a complete drunkard be?
Virginia Woolf, from a diary entry featured in The Complete Works of Virginia Woolf; Selected Diaries (via violentwavesofemotion)
Okay, so we didn’t work, and all memories to tell you the truth aren’t good. But sometimes there were good times. Love was good. I loved your crooked sleep beside me and never dreamed afraid. There should be stars for great wars like ours.
Sandra Cisneros (via wordsthat-speak)

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Your mind is like an unsafe neighborhood; don’t go there alone.
Augusten Burroughs (via wordsthat-speak)
1. I know letting go may feel like hitting pavement but sometimes staying is like getting hit by a train you’ve seen coming for miles. 2. There are symphonies that are screaming it is going to get better. Listen to the music. 3. The most fight you’ll ever feel is from inside your heart. 4. Nostalgia is only good for telling you bedtime stories. Don’t let it tuck you in at night, don’t let it keep you warm. 5. Keep the moments that you wish could live on for a gazillion years close to your heart, never let them burn out. 6. You’ll find someone that’s not them. You’ll love again and it’ll be pure and significant in its own way. 7. They remember it all. They’ll see how much you impacted their lives much later. 8. You may hate high school, but it’s when it’s almost over that you get flashes of when you were young and passed notes with your first love in art class and had talks with teachers that really mattered and you’ll want it to slow down. Take it in, there’s good in everything. 9. Sometimes the one that was your perfect match will be the one to watch you burn. 10. What’s meant to be yours will always find its way home. 11. It’s okay to change without them. Remember that you are the main character of your story. 12. Music cures it all. 13. Telling the story of how I fell in love with you still warms me from the inside out. Teach me how to let go of you. 14. Falling out of love makes you feel like you’ll never want to do it again, but the feeling of your heart dropping when he tells you he’s wanted you all these years is worth the stab at the end. 15. You jump off the cliff hoping there won’t be daggers at the bottom, and when you’re young you think you know how much it’ll hurt. When it comes, you’ll realize you had no clue. 16. My biggest fear was not being with you. I’m becoming someone without you, and it doesn’t feel right. 17. The nicer you are, the more beautiful you become. 18. One day you’ll meet again, and it’ll be just as scary and beautiful as the first time. 19. You’ll find your person. You may not recognize them at first because they’re not as shiny as they are in the movies, but you’ll know by the calm they bring. 20. Thank God for him. 21. The boy who runs in my dreams isn’t as dishonest. He holds my hand whenever I need to feel less alone and I sit around his kitchen table and talk to his mother about poetry. She goes on to say something about how statistically people are more afraid of love than anything else and the things I don’t say- tell her all there is to know about me. That I’m afraid beyond measure of what love can do to a person. Because I spent the last two years loving someone who didn’t know anything other than tearing apart the sole purpose of my existence. The boy who runs beside me in my dreams convinces me that love isn’t always teeth and bite marks. In my dreams, my scars aren’t there because I never tasted a bitter love before. The boy in my dreams loves me enough to let me meet his mother and destroys the idea that love is what I came here to die for. 22. Maybe love stays, maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t. 23. I glance off in another direction, but I always glance back at you. 24. Things that are sweet like this attract the worst kind of hungry. 25. I don’t think you’ll ever realize you changed everything for me. 26. I found faith that summer. The lips told stories I fell asleep to, the hands promised to hold on. But bliss is temporary when you pull your hands away from your eyes, and summer only lasts 3 months. 27. Let it pass; April is over, April is over. There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.
27 Things to take into 2017, roseyheartbeats (via wnq-writers)
Depression
I have lived with depression on and off since I was 14 years old. My teenage was a long episode of depression. I didn’t really know the term for what I was feeling then because of the lack of awareness and I thought it was just me. I found escapism in my academic books and I did really well in school. I had to leave home town for college. First two years, I never made an effort to make friends or talk to anyone but in final year girls started talking to me and I did feel good. That was the best year of my life and I could feel different, not exactly happy neither depressed. Depression became a shadow and it used to follow me every where. When people talk about school and college days being fun and miss them, to be honest I can’t relate to all that. I enrolled for post graduation and it was then I decided to work to keep myself busy. It really helped. I was too busy to feel anything. Those were the best days of my life as I also found love. We were together for a decade but unfortunately he never understood depression but I was fine with it as long as he was around and he was always there. He once told me that he wanted to grow old with me (I would never forget those words) and I was prepared as I thought my battle with depression was over. Little did I know that it would hit back and ruin everything we had for all those years. He tried his best to help me but unfortunately nothing worked and I didn’t want to ruin his life so I moved out along with my depression. I decided never to get involved with anyone and I lived all alone with my depression for 2 years and then I met this friend (only friend I made) who used to drag me out of bed every weekend and take me out to pubs and party. I realized that it was making me happy and dance is believed to be a stress buster so it worked for me. Some depressing episodes happened during this course of time like people approaching you thinking you are easy etc and that used to make me feel really bad. It was 3 weeks ago when I gave up going out on weekends and back to locking myself in the apartment on weekends. My fault was that I end up trusting women easily and think they are like me who are always there to support and not to demean you. She ended up saying nasty things on my drinking behavior also self proclaimed sati savitri. She tried her best to put me down and she did succeed. That was the last day when I dressed and went outside. It has been more than 3 weeks and here I am with my depression. She made me feel bad for my drinking habits. Only good thing that came out of this is, I gave up drinking. Bad thing is my old companion depression is back. Its a task to get out of bed to get ready for office. I am glad it isn’t hindring my work as I am good at it but then I come back, read for an hour or two then off to sleep and get up 2 hours before I am supposed to leave. Thanks to the medicines for the sleep I am getting else I would’ve turned insane. I am not able to do basic chores like giving clothes for laundry and many other things. I feel bad for sleeping for so long but then I feel that is what keeping me sane. I dread weekends as I make list of to-do-things and I end up doing nothing. If I say, I feel terrible then that would be an understatement. Suicidal, yes. But I am not going to do that because I need to be true to myself and I promised myself that I would never attempt this again. I am back to reading, only good part about the entire episode. I am not active on any social networking site as of now because I don’t feel like talking and I don’t take any phone calls either. I am not sure for how long this would last and this time I ain’t even trying. I will let it stay as long as it wants to. I am cutting off people but I can’t really help. I don’t feel like getting out of bed, taking phone calls etc so as of now I just want to be left alone.
Don’t stop writing. You are pretty fucking awesome.Â
Thanks :)
Why are you in India :(
Where else shall I be?

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Is there a way To hide grief To let others know That you don't want to speak Is there a way To reach out for someone Just hear their voice And crave for their presence Is there a way For loneliness to disappear To feel happy again To be on course once more Is there a way To cry within For its too difficult To stop tears from showing Is there a way To feel immune For this intangible pain Is too much to endure I've tried everything Yet I haven't been healed Vices that have been prescribed Haven't given their yield Tearful and sorrowful within I put up a show - The world thinks I am doing great But from within I suffer alone.
#friend
Awake, I stay for I am without you, and without you, there is no sleep. - Semicolon