Beneath the Ocean

January 3, 2026

It's already the third day of the new year, and this is the only time i get to sync everything in my brain.

After 2 years of celebrating both Christmas and New Year alone, I finally don't feel melancholic. I don't finally feel alone, now that i am with my family, with my cousins and sib. And even now that I'm in Pampanga with my fam, much farther away from my bf, I feel more closer to him than i was in Pasay.

I'm glad that I chose the right decision, to come home to my fam.

I know living alone sounds great. Doing things on your own, making your own meal and having more time for yourself. But what i have learned while living by myself was it's not all sunshine and butterflies. Every decision must be carefully made. You must always watch yourself, not to lead yourself astray, to be on track on your goals. For you only have yourself, and yourself alone, to help you every single effin day.

I was trying to be an indepedent person, but i kept making mistakes. And with no one beside, to remind me to pause and breathe, I went down the spiral of my own doom. I reached my rock bottom. Why was I aiming for independence, when in the first place, I was never chained, never restricted or caged?

Now that I am with the people that I love, I am healthier and happier. I realized that retreating to my fam doesn't mean i have failed myself. Having them by my side made me see clearer of my goals. They gave me reason to wake up another day. I knew chose the right decision.

I will always be grateful to them, and to God, for still being there for me—and for us—even when I made so many mistakes.

This 2026, I promise to myself, that i will love myself much more than before, and that I should not seek validation from others. I will pay attention more to the people around me, much better than how incompetent I was. I should seek self improvement, day by day and not sulk in procastination.