I will be still

If only I practiced that on my actual self, and not just my online identity. I wanted to leave all the terrible things I’d ever done far far away. I was ashamed, and then angry at myself for not being better, and then angry at myself for that reaction...and then this emotional spiral just went on. Unproductively. For years. 

And for years I found many ways to cover up, to suppress, to justify. These actions were in themselves manifestations of pride, and intense pride in the first place also blinded me from having the clarity to see these very manifestations. 

The consequences are real. Not only have I lost a close friend because of this, but I also have the knowledge that I really messed a person up. Shame on me. 

When you try and deny the problems of your heart, because you desperately want to convince your ego you are better, and then somehow build your life around this pretence, these problems will surely come roaring back one day, and likely in a worse form. 

Please don’t do this to yourself.  

But the point of coming out about this is not to broadcast my regret. Rather, I want to convey a growing sense of balance in myself. I’m properly learning what it feels like to not run away from the ugly, detestable things I’ve done. To look at them squarely and acknowledge that these were choices I made, and that this darkness was something of my own doing. And then, with that acceptance, squarely look to the future, and look for a middle ground in which current and future me can reconcile with my past. 

I strongly feel this would not be possible if not for God’s promise of forgiveness, which, for the first time in my life, I believed and claimed, because I was at the end of myself. 

I tend to feel like “what have I been doing all these years” and “does that mean I wasted 4 years and learned nothing”. But no. If this is where I am at, then not a year was wasted. I am not blithely optimistic in saying this. I have deep regret and am in no way “grateful” for such self-congratulatory journeys of “self-discovery”. Rather, I am learning to be grateful that this is all of me. This is all the stuff I have done in my small, silly life. This is where I come from. I am not proud of all of it, but this is where I come from.

I know what excessive introspection does (or rather, doesn’t do) for me, so these days I know better, but here’s me allowing me some emotions/sentimentality/thinkpieces (lol) for tonight...

- This fear? of not being liked? has stayed with me forever, and I think everyone has it to some degree, deals differently, and I don’t think I dislike myself the way I used to...I think sometimes I just gotta go ahead and boldly do my thing. 

- I’m not an indecisive person, but somehow I’ve always had difficulty being truly rooted to an identity/a belief system, partly because of that fear I mentioned, and also because there are so, so many perspectives/contexts/arguments/raw opinions/sometimes just trash?? competing for our attention these days...what clarity can cut through all this? What is true and right? 

- Of course, my religion has some real answers for that, which I am trying to diligently study (with faith), but the human mind can only comprehend so much... ): 

- It is so uncomfortable not being able to know everything, and of course I know this is obviously part of the human condition, but ah how could I channel these thoughts into something more productive maybe? 

- Randomly learning not to cling too tightly to...whatever it is. Situations/realisations, and yes, even moments like these lol. Take it easy, he says, and I actually listen.

- I’m really thankful for dance. I don’t know how far I’ll pursue it and how much I’m going to make it a Thing (will I ever get to perform?), but I guess as long as it is a thing, however small, it is still a thing, and to be able to make it a thing at all is definitely something to be grateful for. 

- It was the ex’s birthday 2 days ago and I wished him, just to be nice. I didn’t really feel much, but sometimes I do remember that the girl who loved him is the same girl who loves now. I think there is more of a quiet peace to that now, as with all of the other things that happened then. 

- The boy met his ex 2 weeks ago and as to be expected, I was insecure about it. But somehow it was comforting to know that she exists lol, and not some figment of imagination/fictional blast from the past that I’ll forever be curious about ugh. I think she would be cool to get to know, purely by impression, but I doubt that opportunity would realistically arise.

1. Will I change my mind even if I have more work to do, and feel more useful? What if I don’t?

2. Should I properly, and I mean properly, commit myself to learning a few things while I’m in this place, before deciding that it’s “not for me” and move on? Perhaps I should. Learning things is arguably, generally worthwhile. But to what end? 

3. What is “for me” and “not for me”? I guess since N and I got together and since having all those convos about career/life direction, I’ve been a little more secure in my supposed lack of direction/ambition, which is a good thing. But I still don’t know the “so what”. 

4. I better grasp the notion that searching for an “ideal” when it comes to these matters is largely illusory, so I definitely want to be humble about this, but to what extent do I accept the -whatever it is-? Colleagues? “Meaningful work” that has “impact”? (such a tired phrase by now) What impact? For whom? Real or not? Do I actually care? 

5. I’ve mentioned before that maybe all I really need is for my skills to be used in a meaningful way, whatever that means. And if I really am like this, I am happy to accept it - I don’t need to impose others’ life paths upon myself because it wouldn’t work, and it’s also not constructive to generalise said life paths and compare it to myself anyway. But yeah, still, what? 

On some level I think this is the PMS talking so I probably shouldn't take myself too seriously. Nonetheless, I wonder: 

Why a casual dinner with a primary school friend drained, and even upset me. Were the vibes just wrong? Am I oversensitive? Technically nothing went wrong but I felt uncomfortable in a way I can’t explain. Oh well. 

When my life and my person will start reflecting that love and light that I seem to see so evidently in others. When I will start to root my actions and thoughts in love. Perhaps I am being too harsh on myself here, but I currently just feel tired and loveless.

What to do about the fact that I don’t know what to do, and increasingly I feel like it is not up to me to decide (not necessarily a bad thing). 

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I feel like I landed on an important realisation today, one that just might one of the keys to leaving that self-deprecating mindset. The mindset that I will always be a terrible person. 

How many times have I been given forgiveness and freedom, yet continued to live under a cloud of shame? 

How many times have I taken others too seriously, raising up their virtues to silently rebuke myself, while resenting disappointment because it didn’t fit into my understanding to have them as less than perfect? Because all of it was an unconscious victimisation of myself? 

Don’t know how this light and clarity magically broke through today but all I gotta say is I am really looking forward to D1.