“Everything is Garbage” - Raymond Holt
“Life sucks, then you die” - Stephen King
It’s no mystery that the world is full of shit. You have people you trust betraying you, people you love dying, people you care about going through stuff and you can’t help them, people who hate you acting like shit, and the list really is endless. A friend of mine, looking at this list, would just say “Humans are the problem”. But really though, is she right? I don't know.
Life is full of pain, but trust me, you can’t find one person who has an easy life. 90% of you would immediately think of a celebrity with more money than they can spend. But no, not even them. They have to face a complete violation of privacy, intrusive personal questions from the press and lots of mental illnesses as a result of the immense pressure of conforming to societal expectations. But I digress.
What IS the most painful thing to endure in the world? Is it heartbreak? Is it a loss? Funnily enough, there’s really no such thing as the most painful thing to go through. Everyone is different, everyone feels pain differently. For some, heartbreak is easier to go through than a trusted friend sleeping with your partner. For others, losing a loved one sends them into a depression so badly that they lose everything.
I’ve had my heart broken (its anniversary is in about 9 days). I’ve had my friends bully me. I’ve had classmates destroy my self-worth. I’ve had my parents disappointed in me on a daily basis. I’ve lost loved ones. I’ve had my friends break my trust. Every one of those things was like a stab in my heart. Some got me low, some got me depressed and some I couldn’t even feel bad about for very long.Â
Recently, I opened up to a friend I’ve known for a year and a half now. Told him a little about myself. Discussed some of my worries and stresses, and he came to me with the same. He used to tell me everything he could, as far as our relationship had gotten to. And I gotta say, it was really nice. Because most of my friends are girls, it’s hard sometimes to find a guy to talk and connect with. I began thinking of this guy like my brother. I tried setting him up with someone and that didn’t work, but we got past it. And then one day, we just...stopped talking that much. He began spending a lot more time other people, stopped sharing things that were happening to him (I know because I was aware of what was happening from third parties) and that was that.Â
Another shit feeling was when someone came to me for advice. She thought that she may like a guy who was in that pre-asking out phase with her best friend. She felt the bestie may also like the guy so she came to me with the problem. From the looks of it, the crush felt only because she was spending a lot of time with the guy. So I suggested to keep a little distance and see how she felt. I told her to stop doing couple-y stuff cuz that wouldn’t help the feelings. About a week later, I find out from a third party, that the girl was apparently really upset over my advice because she felt that everyone was thinking about things as how it would hurt the bestie side and not hers. She was feeling unsupported.
And so I realised that the most painful things to me, areÂ
1. Feeling like I’m not trusted. Like the people around me are hiding things from me.
2. Being told I do/don’t do something that I actually pride myself on not doing/doing by someone whose opinion I value. For example, I pride myself on not being judgemental and giving great advice. So being told that I’m judgy or that I don’t really give good advice, by close people, it hurts a lot. But then again, the same thing can be applicable to the first one, I pride myself on being trustworthy, but if the people I expect to trust me, don’t, it hurts. So like....scratch the first one? Or actually don’t, cuz sometimes people hide things but it's not always cuz they don't trust you. So we’ll keep that there.
3. Seeing the tears you cause in the eyes of someone you would die for, especially when you can’t help but feel or do whatever causes them [See 4.].
4. Hating yourself for feeling a particular way or doing a particular thing, but not having the mental ability to NOT.
5. Oddly enough, when someone says “don’t touch me”, not out of annoyance or OCD, but when they’re angry or upset... It feels like I break from the inside. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Like I’m contaminated. My hands feel like they need to be cleansed with fire. Cuz it means I’m no longer a comfort.
So I guess, what hurts the most, is someone you love being involved with pain. Whether it’s pain to you or pain to them, it hurts both of you. And sometimes, these sort of feelings, they linger. Breaking off pieces of you. Someone you admire telling you that you're too fat, or someone you love saying that you’re selfish. It....hurts, for lack of a better word.
