Whyd You Say You Love Me Babe

i can almost touch you.

i hear your laughter, breathe your cologne.

but you see straight through me,

and so we are in separate worlds.

i watch you with my night vision, colorless eyes,

a heart that has adjusted to the distance,

looking through a telescope at you,

like a stargazer

The 4th of July last year we were driving to go get fireworks. You were driving with the radio louder than you like because I love music when it’s loud. I was wearing shorts and your jacket. A bright red lipstick covering my lips. You moved your hand next to mine so I grabbed it and kissed it. You didn’t wipe it off and I don’t think you noticed me noticing you glancing at it and smiling. But I did.

On Halloween we went to a party. Not together for I had a boyfriend. He didn’t like you because I guess he knew I loved you. He went to the bathroom and I asked to dance. I was wearing a soft nude lipstick. I kissed your hand again leaving another stain. I noticed you didn’t wash it off the next day.

On you birthday I made you a cake. I mentioned my bf and I had a huge argument. I saw that smile J. You made fun of that awful cake that tasted oh so good. You laughed when your cat decided that my love wasn’t enough and she ran from me. Your mom told me that I make you smile more and more. My mom told me I was happier since meeting you. I was wearing a loud purple lipstick. I kissed your cheek and left a stain. You tried to wipe it away,only leaving you cheek a smeared purple. I laughed and hugged you.

On Christmas I stopped by to bring your family their gifts before I left for the train back home. You were sad I was leaving. I got you a pocket watch. Our didn’t get me anything but that’s okay. Just you being near me is enough. I went outside after saying goodbye to everyone except you. It was snowing when you followed me out and you drew me into a hug lasting longer than usual. You smelt like hot chocolate. I was wearing a matte red lipstick. It didn’t stain your skin as much but there was still a print. As I pulled out if your driveway I saw you put your hand wear I kissed it. I couldn’t stop smiling.

On Easter Sunday I showed up to church in a white dress. My hair in curls. You were wearing beige vest with grey plaid. I was talking to a mutual friend when we made eye contact. Your eyes lit up and my heart beat faster. We hugged and talked. You said you missed me and I miss you. I almost said I loved you. But than he came into my mind. The guy I’ve been kissing. The guy who I said I loved for that past 6 months. Guilt came in and I turned away. Service started and we took our seats. Our legs touching and our hands barely an inch away. When it was over I hugged you goodbye. I was wearing a soft pink. So soft it could be considered a nude. I went for a kiss on your lips but changed my mind and kissed your upper chin. You never brought it up.

On July 5 you were driving me to the ferry. We were holding hands and you were mad that I was a morning person. Upset that I was more mature even though you were older. You parked and opened my door. We hugged with tears in our eyes. You pulled me into a kiss. I didn’t have lipstick on. I felt your lips as if I never felt them before.

September 28: I cut you off. Your mom was a dick to me. You didn’t defend her but instead defended me. I was shocked. I had to leave you though. I didn’t want to be the girl the ruined your family. I’m sorry my love.

November 24: I’m laying on my bed. It’s been 48 hours roughly. I’m thinking about everything we did. I wonder if you’re over us. I feel bad. I look around my room and still see your presence. I still feel your body on these sheets. I miss you my love.

Today, on April 27, I’ve decided that lipsticks will no longer associate with you. That’ll I’ll wear it because I like it and the color. I’ll be reminded of you from them but that’s okay.

loving you darling, makes me so confused