Nor & Lena

Living on a non-binary scale can be confusing. As someone who has always had everything in neat little boxes - from my values, boundaries, and personal life - I thought it would be simple. I've only been a few months into accepting myself as a demi-lady/demi-girl. Yet, here's the hang up.

Explaining my gender identity to others is not always simple. There is a common misconception that ENBYS know exactly how the present 24/7. I have heard some folks think we pick a primary identity while the other only pops out maybe once a month. It's very strange bias that correlates with chronic health misconceptions (more on that next time).

So, what's the tea?

I've had to learn to deconstruct gender from top down. The interesting thing about internalized bias is that I direct it towards myself, not others. My downfall with thinking identifying as non-binary would be simple does not come from hatred. It comes from feeling like my identity as a demi-lady is not enough. That I need to have this all figured out because that's just how my life flows.

Instead of giving myself grace, I'm attempting a marathon in gender gymnastics. For others, I am a supportive space. But to number one? I throw myself past deconstruction and into realization. Is that healthy?

Absolutely not!

A gender identity, especially if it is non-binary, is not cognitive. You don't think this is what I am today. You feel what aligns most with yourself. The scary part is sometimes that alignment is unknown. Maybe you're somewhere on the spectrum between man or woman.

Or not.

There could be times where neither male or female fits. Throughout the day, you might flow between identities. Additionally, it is not uncommon to present as one gender for an entire month and then switch up. You don't have to think about if it's right or wrong. That you're finicky and indecisive. Gender is not always cognitive.

What you feel is valid. If someone is poking and prodding to find out if you are a fraud, forget that person. They are not living in your mind or body. Sometimes we have days where gender dysphoria can make it impossible to figure out how we want to present. However, our story is not everyone else's.

In a very hetero- normative world, people assume you should align with your gender at birth. That looking down at your body is the answer to gender identity. Except, that is not how how it works. Much of our life is decided by society and parents. Where you live as a child, what you eat, and who you are surrounded by. But ourselves? How we want and need to be?

That is where we get to decide based on what feels right. If Monday is a suit and tie, go for it. If Friday ends up being cocktail dresses and heels - do it!! Deconstruction can only start when you turn off the inner critic. When one dismisses hetero-normativity and its crutch. There is no one size fits all to overcoming doubting your identity.

But what you can do is to allow yourself the grace to be.

Alright, so one important thing about me is I love playing interactive romance novels. It is so fun to customize a character and roleplay as someone else. In fact, these games give me inspirations for characters in the books I am working on. A lot of my Episode couples are woven into the stories I write. But you know what bugs me?

Watching favorite games get scrapped and totally re-written. Love Island the Mobile game was amazing! Amazing as it was cheesy sit-com slop that I could sit back and play. You always start off as the "Bombshell" whether you like it or not. Based on the reality t.v. show named "Love Island", your MC shows up on the island to find the following:

1.) The One.

2) A Lil Summer Fine.

3.) We're Just Vibing.

Season one, although nubile and budding it's developer wings, was all about grafting (essentially flirting) and coming on top on the romance-turned-reality show. Regardless of the season, you get to customize your MC, get a vibe check on the couples, and figure out who you'll be shacking up with. Alright, so season one lacked diversity. Everyone was cookie cutter unless you are a non-white character.

Unfortunately, that came with a lack of diversity in body structure, hair, and skin tone. Now, say you're LGBTQ+. There was only one or two options back in the day if I remember right. Meaning: you have to play the storyline to have access to a wlw candidate. This is where hetero-normativity can ruin such a great game concept. Again, I played Love Island for fun - which can confuse feminist readers.

You can totally be a feminist without buying into toxic patriarchal standards. We are allowed to have fun without bashing ourselves. At the end of the day? We can all agree reality t.v. shows are problematic. Back to the tea.

Season 2 of the game was so wild. In an absolutely amazing way. Yes, you still had to play the straight romance plotline before unlocking the wlw options. However, the highlights? Graphics got better. There was a bit more diversity in personality, plot, and character design. Yet, here is the interesting part! You could have friendly relations and bond with other people.

Your relationships didn't have to be locked depending on whom you bonded with. Throughout the gameplay, a lot more (admittedly) male contestants get added to the game. I genuinely enjoyed how much depth they put into the characters. It still operated as a cheesy, "girl" show. Except, that's what made it awesome. You could dive into their backstories while retaining that Love Island baddie energy.

Now, season 3? A lot more diversity in race/nationality. The wlw option is available from the get-go. Yet, customization is a bit less diverse and the play-through starts to turn into a buy-to-win. The developers have started to play around with different body sizes and protective hair styles. However, the game almost loses it's luster. I felt like we lost out on a lot of potential for alliances, frenemys, and interesting love interests.

Now, the new version of Love Island? You can hardly customize your character. While they've added more skin tones, eye shapes, and tattoos, there is not a lot of hair, clothing, or body modification options. You start off with a hefty amount of diamonds - but a lot of the customization features require you to doll them out. It's the classic - do I make a bomb character or spend my diamonds on special scenes?

Again, hetero-normativity plays a role in this game. There's really not much room to make friendships with the other guys or girls. You're the bombshell - the ideal prize. All the guys want you. Meanwhile, the girls do not give a damn. You're the competition and no matter how many times you select the nice option... they don't give a shit.

Alliances are out and the drama is sub-par. There's no real back stories to go off of or bonding. You have to play several chapters before Lisbeth becomes an option. And yet? She still sticks by Ethan... or is it Evan? He both hates and love you for stealing his girl, btw.

All in all, the limited fashion and hair choices drives me insane. The colored hair options are not always flattering. At least season two gave you some nice starter jewelry and swim suits. It is so hard to save up diamonds to buy a new wardrobe in comparison to season 2.

Wait up, I got more tea.

So, there are two girls who are seemingly "Alt" or "Goth" coded. As a Goth, this frustrates me. The looks were cute, don't get me wrong. But how the heck do we have two black-haired ladies rocking lace and leather? Hello, one of them is a vintage shop owner?!

It's the safe Alternative coding that gets me. One of them is almost the equivalent of an E-Girl while the other has a Dominatrix. ice-cold persona. And she's bi. Talk about stereotyping. The designs are cute, but I still have my hair stand up as Goth and Alternative women are dangerously fetishized.

Right now, I'm at the height of job hunting. Never did I expect myself to have my back against the wall and fighting a time crunch. Yet, here I am, skimming through my six years of retail experience and a college 4.0 - sweating to death. I know I'm qualified. However, I'm qualified with chronic health, a Neurodivergence, and exhausted from the corporate rat race. I got burned at my last job due to harassment.

Despite desperately needing a job, I know in my heart I cannot break my back living a retail nightmare where school doesn't matter or dreams are a footnote in the bigger reality of today. Except, here's the pickle. I want to make enough to get by without completely selling my soul. What's the tea? I've just came forward as identifying as a demi-lady/demi-girl. My wardrobe has expanded to include non-binary and masc coded clothes for days when I don't 100% feel like a woman. Yet, as I was rapidly clicking through applications, I still hit she/her. Female. Woman. Because in the height of oppression in America, I am terrified someone will think horribly about my gender preference and skip past my resume.

Forget my six years of retail experience. My friendly, confident demeanor and customer first attitude. Who cares I've been a lead or participated in my school's Leadership Academy. Big whoop - I managed three clubs as secretary while maintaining a full-time student status. All the while holding down two part-times throughout the winter holidays. Overqualified doesn't matter when prejudice takes front row in the auditorium. Yet, I cringe. I want to vomit as I lie about my mixed race heritage. Check- white. Disabled? Not at all - I'll just choke down a Motrin when period cramps leave me unable to put my foot forward. AuDHD? Nope - I'm Lena and I never feel overstimulated or physically violated when people break my physical boundaries. Highlight woman - because I look cisgender, a lesbian at the most whenever I chuck off the dress and heels.

As I skim through the clothes in my closet, I feel panic rising. Black, black, black. I'm Goth - and proud of it. Yet, should I just drop the eyeliner and pack on a pretty pink eyeshadow? I adore pink. Except, in normie America, Goth and pink don't go together unless you're a poser. Which I don't understand - I have been Goth for freakin years. Is this job seriously going to make me hide my Isis amulet, too? I don't wear the amulet to be edgy. She has survived with me since my days dropped off alone at 18 in an unfamiliar city. I wear it as a memento that I survived by myself. That was the year I decided to go Goth. To reinvent myself. I don't have to verbally announce I'm Goth to the world. My clothes and attitude speak for myself. But yet, I get sidelined as unique. Because corporate America can't accept that I am Goth, Neurodivergent, chronically ill, and non-binary. So, do I out myself? Do I risk the job and losing the apartment? Or do I take the stand knowing discrimination may cost me dearly?

Deciding on pronouns has been a bit of a guessing game. My regular she/her pronouns are fine and what I use daily. They/them is another great addition to my identity. However, I am considering if he/him works as well. The problem is that identifying with male pronouns has a bit of trauma for me.

The trauma comes from past bullying I experienced as Oliver when I was a teenager. Additionally, I am trying to redefine masculinity to myself in a way that isn't toxic. I think our society has very toxic male standards that anyone can be wary about. Most SA and femicide crimes are perpetuated by men. Growing up as a girl into womanhood complicates the issue even further for me. My experiences have been rooted in girlhood.

How does one divorce themselves from that? All my life, I've been perceived as one gender. Pressured into being as feminine as possible and avoid anything that is queer. My journey really only started recently. Those 2.5 years as Oliver was an awakening for me.

But do he/him pronouns fit? It's funny because I wouldn't mind being mistaken as a "sir" or "he" in safe, queer spaces. Except outright labeling myself leaves disconnect. And I'm not entirely sure why. One angle I am exploring is internalized homophobia in myself.

Today, I dressed more masculine in shorts, a striped tank, brown flannel, and a pink bandana I wore round one's neck. My co-workers loved my outfit. At Jimmy John's? Just hours earlier? I felt like an anomaly. My partner likes to joke that I am "more stoic than a Greek philosopher". Times like that, I feel more like a Nor embodying "tired dad" vibes.

However, later in the day I asked my partner to switch from calling me Nor to Lena. I am not so sure if a shopping trip to Kohl's put me in survival mode or if I genuinely shifted on the spectrum. Two things can be possible at the same time.

If you're familiar with my other blog, Lena's Thoughts, think of this as a reintroduction. My name is Lenore Sinclair and I am currently exploring myself as a demi-lady. The purpose of this blog is to document my experience. A little backstory: I was born AFAB, however, in high school I spent 2 years discovering my trans identity.

At the time, I thought I was a boy. However, bullying and discrimination pushed me into returning to a cisgender identity.

It would take up until now for me to feel comfortable to tell my partner about being Oliver. I have never felt entirely a woman. There are many aspects of the female identity I enjoy. Except, I was avidly getting lost in between being masculinized in the work force and desiring to express the other side of me. This is a very interesting take I will expand on in my blog. As someone who has explored gender identity before, it is a very complex and nuanced experience. Two concepts can be possible at once.

So, who am I now?

Lenore Sinclair is my overall name and the one I wish to change one day. However, Lena and Nor are my nicknames. Lena is attributed to my female aspect while Nor is the masculine. Both nicknames are shortened versions of Lenore. I've chosen to use demi-lady currently as I feel it fits my current status, hence the blog's name.

What are my reasons?

Number one:

I've been a girl and a woman my whole life, minus the 2 years I spent as a transmasc individual. Much of my experiences has been tied to being a mixed race female growing up. It is very difficult to divorce my current gender identity from living as a woman for so long. Most of my experiences are rooted as Lenore, especially being a queer individual.

Number two:

Body satisfaction. I don't feel the same about transitioning as I did when I was a teenager. I enjoy my body. However, there are times where I do not always feel in tuned with the feminine form. I've made peace with myself that I think I would be comfortable born either gender. Admittedly, keeping an AFAB body does give me certain privileges. It's easier to dress feminine or a soft masc depending on what I align with.

Exploring these privileges and tackling discrimination will be another subject I'll write about.

Number three:

Personal alignment. I've chosen a medium of demi and nonbinary-ism as I mostly identify as a woman. However, there are parts of me that feel more like Nor. Today, for example, I am going in for a gender affirming hair cut. I've dressed more masculine in jeans, a shirt, and vest with combat boots. Since I've spoke with my partner, the masculine side in me has been more dominant. There are moments where I experience feeling between both spectrums or neither completely.

This diary will help document my journey and explore patriarchal and gender structures that have held me down. Additionally, I want to celebrate my identity and connect with others.

Hope this resonates with people!