Explore At Your Own Expense

It’s been a wild year. I took this year to really make sure I value myself and trust myself in doing the right thing. For me. The first half of the year, I was running away from my feelings and creating fires towards my ex for reasons of insecurity, hurt and pain that he caused me. But, he didn’t deserve that, and I know now. I’ve learned my lesson. The second half of the year, after completely cutting ties from him, my mental health had gotten better. I gave myself freedom when I should’ve given myself that the beginning of this year. It’s okay, I learn at my own pace. I gave myself the chance to pour into myself, nourish her and give her the love that’s she’s been needing all this time. I’m still healing, but I’m moving on, and I feel tremendously lighter. I have some big goals for myself, and I’m glad I came back home to me. I feel so sure of myself these days, standing on my business, making strides internally. I needed peace for a very long time, and I’m so glad I’m giving that to myself now.

Life update on here: it’s so interesting to see where my mind was at in the last year, but it’s great to see that I’m no longer in those spaces. I became very insecure and toxic after the break up of my ex. I stalked his social media and Spotify and didn’t give myself a chance to detach from him, I was constantly asking him for answers as to why he did this or that. I shouldn’t have done all of that and ended up telling him because I felt guilty for violating his life. So, of course, he blocked me. Which honestly is a good thing. I needed to learn boundaries and space because I kept violating mine. Truth is, I shouldn’t have been in the relationship I was in. My self worth was shot, and my relationship amplified that. Now, I’m in a better place, I’m not friends with him, and I’m moving along to the best of my abilities. I realized he was still in love with his ex ever since they started talking again after we broke up, and yes, of course I was hurt because I felt like I wasted four years of my life on some guy that barely put in the effort to love me right. But truth is, I needed to learn this lesson in order to love myself right. If I settled for this man, I would be settling for less than what I deserve. So, I finally let go of him and got rid of anything he had given me. I am love, I am human and trying to be better in this lifetime. And that starts with loving all of me and all the lesson I carry. So, I don’t wish anything bad to ever happen to him, and I do wish him and his rekindled lover the best of their lives ahead of them. I think everyone has a person they are truly meant to be with and that’s what it is for them. I don’t want to interfere with that nor do I want to go back to him for any reason. I know the person I’m supposed to be with is out there ready to love me when the time is right. But right now, I deserve to fall in love with myself and who I am going to become and my journey. I’ve learned a lot this year, and I’m ready for my next chapter ❤️

I don’t usually come on here that often, but I need a social space to pour my emotions out right now. I thought I met the love of my life awhile ago. We were together for almost four years, and we broke up last year in October. Life threw a huge wrench in our relationship, my parents didn’t give him a chance, and I lost ownership of our dog that we had to rehome. I didn’t have it in me to cut ties with my parents, and I still live with them because I moved back home knowing I was going to get the job that would kickstart my career. A lot has happened. I made decisions I was not proud of, but ultimately I needed to look out for myself because I felt I had to because no one else did. Not even my boyfriend at the time. And I felt like everyone, including my family, made me choose which side I needed to be on. That is something I never want to be put in a position ever again. I don’t have the best relationship with my parents because of the way they treated my ex boyfriend and our dog, and for the way I finally realized how manipulative and controlling they behaved my entire life to get me to fit a certain standard of theirs. I don’t belong to anyone, and I don’t ever want to be controlled again. I stand on my own now. I just live under their roof because I need a place to stay while I work here for another year. i don’t hate my parents, I deep down still love them, but I will not tolerate their behavior any longer, and I have boundaries set in place to coexist with them here. I have never truly felt chosen by someone, and so I’m starting to choose me. It’s taken me a long time coming to get to this mindset. To truthfully love who I am and who I am stepping in to. Self love is the hardest love to give and receive. I’m doing this alone most of the time, although I have a great support system of close friends that I call my chosen family. But I do things alone and for me now. My ex and I are on good terms even when I know his family and friends probably don’t necessarily like me for what I put him through, but everyone has a choice, and I made mine when he couldn’t even decide. We are friends, and yes I know, how can exes ever be friends? Well I don’t know either, but my emotions are platonic now for him. I do love him, but I love him unconditionally because we’ve been through a lot and no matter what, he still taught me how to be better, how to change, how to love even when our love couldn’t be sustained any longer. So, yeah, I don’t really have feelings for him like I did before, and it took me a bit to get there. But I’m proud of myself. I truly am. Although I’m terrified for the next phase in love, if someone does come along, I’m now open to a different relationship. But for now, I’m content with being single because I need to find out who I am and what I want. I’m getting there slowly each and every day. I’ve come a long way.

Everything reminds me of you.