Darling, please

Person who has burned too much midnight oil: Hunh I wonder why I am out of oil at noon on a Wednesday. It surely cannot be the consequences of my actions from the past month

my foul demeanour and ill temper. my quarrelsome and disagreeable nature

Ok. What you're gonna want to do is chop up a cucumber and put it in a bowl. Then you're gonna sprinkle a generous portion of salt on top. Then you're gonna drizzle them with a balsamic vinaigrette and gently shake to combine, leaving you with a cool and refreshing summer snack. In 15 seconds dangerous and burly men are going to drag me away to an unknown second location. Remember everything I've taught you. I love you

I’m starting a gofundme to get a mojito

it’s not ‘talking to myself’ it’s called a soliloquy you fuck

did you have the dream i sent you?

so ive been thinking again and it's not going great

1920s guy driving a model t with a "i bought this before ford went crazy" bumper sticker

“yes, I’ve been wanting to read that!” I say with complete earnestness, as I proceed to ignore every opportunity I have to read it