୨ৎ back on my bullshit ୨ৎ

i’ve been doing so fucking good. i have been weightlifting for months, eating lots of protein, def gained some muscle but weigh the same so likely lost fat too.

and i can’t see any of it because of my brain.

and because my brain refuses to let me see reality there is a real urge to say fuck it and dive head first back to this bullshit.

i won’t.

but the whisper is getting loud.

i’m too old for this shit. but apparently not seeing as all of hollywood has gone back to the thin is in stuff and lots of them are older than i. that’s my justification.

but i won’t. i won’t fucking do it.

i want to be strong. that much i know. so just going to keep telling myself that. and i want to enjoy life and my body and i deep down remember how unenjoyable this life was. it sounds appealing now but i have enough logic to know that it is a trick.

because me too. lmfao.

like it makes me feel disappointed in myself the same way i’d feel disappointed at a kid who stole candy from the candy jar without asking. it is so immature… me, a grown ass woman can’t control herself around some damn treats… really? i see candy, cookies, chips, whatever and you’re telling me that i act like a 6 year old around them, just out of control eating until my tummy hurts. fuck offfffff. we can train dogs to control themselves around food but not an adult woman apparently.

i want to blame my period, hormones, or my current mental health… and sure, there may be SOME validity to those things but not enough, because regardless of those things i should be am able to make a choice and stick to my word like a grown up. period.

then decided since i burned damn near 500 cals at the gym i deserved a little treat. starbucks has my favorite flavor for winter, so i went and got it, no modifications. the whole 320 cals.

only to come home and open instagram to this photo…

now i want to barf or maybe die.

UGHHHHHHHH.

one day i have an insatiable craving to look as though i am withering away and could crumble by a slight tap on my shoulder.

the next, i wish to look like a powerhouse who could take down a full grown predator man in one fell swoop.

how do you deal with that time of month?? genuinely.

every month, no matter how good i may have been doing… as soon as my period comes it all goes out the window. well, actually about 2 or 3 days leading to my period is when it hits. then the first 2 days of my cycle. and i mean… i do some serious damage.

i had a two month streak of not missing any workouts. now i have a dumbass head cold and i haven’t worked out in like 4 days 😭

i’m getting back to it tomorrow. idc, i won’t work out as hard as usual but i am getting back on track.