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it weighs heavier with the

He’s older, I’m younger

Exactly 3 years and 4 days apart,

He was always there, right from the start

I’ve never known life without my brother

Dads anger, moms clutter

Not another soul could understand

Adoption and the house we grew up in

And I’ve never known life without my brother

His awe and his wonder

In the way complex calculus always made sense

And the world, our existence, felt immense

So I’ve never known life without my brother

And I guess now I’m left to wonder

How to carry this all on my own

Honoring our past and even the unknown

Because now I have to know life without my brother

Missing his laugh and his humor

And all I’m left with are memories

Say hello to the place where my brother died

Or, rather, where he took his life

And not just on Wednesday’s, although

Those seem to be the most significant

Because, you see, 

That day was a Wednesday

And sometimes I can’t help but think

What if I could have seen him

What if I could have stopped him

What if I could have helped him

What if

What if

What if

So, every day, I sit in my office

And sometimes I’ll stare over there

Lost in thought

You’ll never believe what mom made me do

Who am I kidding, of course you will

You were the only one who really would, until…

Until you left and I’m left with your stuff

In 3 paper bags, wrapped in tape and tough

To open, like the grief unwilling to leave my body

And there has to be a note, something, a copy

Your handwriting, a reason, any last words

I think, a part of me, thought you would return

If I just opened the bags delicately enough,

Careful not to hurt or tear any of your stuff,

Maybe I could open them and there you would be-