DEJA

His ears were ringing— the church bells for an undead wedding day pounding in his head, or perhaps it was just the click of the door that his brain didn't want to forget.

Perhaps there was a side of him that never wanted to forget what it felt like to lose you.

His hand continued to try and soothe his heart, the flooring wasn't kind to his joints — instead of any comfort, it was a sledgehammer threatening his livelihood. He couldn't find it in himself to move an inch. What if you decided to come back? Would you realise that he had long forgotten his point, that he was just looking to win? Would you forgive him if you could see him?

He wanted to frame this moment, scared to change a thing. If he did, reality would catch up and it would be inescapable that you were really gone.

He wouldn't even know how to start recovering the mess you made him.

He was awake all night, allowing the pain and cold the floor provided to consume him. By the time the morning broke, his eyes were stinging and his limbs couldn't move— even if he had a change of heart to abandon his protest.

It hadn't even been an hour since the darkened sunlight started filtering through the apartment when a dripping wet Daveed appeared above Lin. Daveed couldn't even attempt to crack a joke about the situation, Lin's empty eyes was enough to communicate how badly the relationship had been damaged. Daveed had always been optimistic about the two of you, but even he had his doubts in this moment.

Your apartment had never been so quiet, all its visitors always had always complimented how much life your apartment could breathe into anyone. It was eerie for Daveed to move through this carcass. However, bit by bit, he put his friend back together— well as much as he could. There was something missing from his friend and he doubted he could be its replacement.

They both knew Daveed couldn't stay with Lin forever, the news of the breakup spread like a slow wildfire. Anyone who's anyone to you two knew by the end of the month. Lin's life became a cycle of out of tune songs on the piano and people coming to make sure he was eating, sleeping, going outside. They tried to keep him from falling apart again. His most frequent visitors were his family, his father especially liked to ask Lin why you had never come to empty out the apartment. Lin wanted to know too, it was a particular type of torture to not be able to remove traces of you. Not mentioning that when someone threatened to help him, he would lash out at them. He couldn't change anything too much, he had to keep it perfect for when you returned. The only allowance he had was turning all the pictures of you two around, which his mother would turn back whenever she came over.

"Say it once again with feeling," Lin's newest lyrics floated through the apartment as his hands tested chords, the cold walls not being much help with the melody. Daveed was there, but his newest quirk was pretending like he didn't notice Lin went from scoring musicals to writing for pop singers. The truth was, Daveed noticed. Everyone did. Lin had conjured the ghost of you by following you into your line of work and unfortunately, he was good at it. Daveed had no grounds to call him out, to tell him that he had to grow the spine that will get him to go find you and tell you that he loves you. No one could call him out because he was healing, in some way.

Almost a year later, Lin hadn't touched a musical since you left. He was ghostwriting radio hits, it had become his comfort space— like you had never left. He could process his feelings without facing them. His employers would give him a prompt, a demo, a first draft, it didn't matter. He would take that and turn them gold, it was never his emotions. At least that's what he told himself.

Around 3 months into the breakup he found the courage to write in the city again. The city had always been his power, until the first time you smiled at him. He would fuel an infinite amount of suns with the life you breathed into him.

Yet, he didn't have the courage to be anywhere where you might be. He'd never take a meeting at a record company's campus. Lord knew if you'd turn the corner how it'd break him all over again— oh how he wanted you to turn the corner.

At least he was leaving his apartment right?

The buzz of his phone reminded him about how he disappeared off of social media. As much as he appreciated people who supported his works, he couldn't risk the temptation to stare at your socials all day. It would be an easy way for you to talk to him again— all he needed to do was like a post or send you a text. You would be kind enough to let him know that you'd be blocking him, he knew that. He also knew that he was too much of a coward to be rejected by you.

It was a storm he couldn't weather.

His latest client walked up to the bench he was sat on, laptop and studio grade headphones waiting for them.

He was competing with another ghost writer for this album, he knew their meeting had been before his and his palms were sweating. He became slightly relaxed as he progressed through small talk with the artist. He prepared a speech for his songs, but as he looked into their eyes, his heart clenched. His hand found his way to his chest, there was a sincerity that reminded him of you and that was more than enough to let him know that these songs would land. Once again, he was reminded that you're his power.

He was right in letting the artist experience the demos. He got the job and would be set for the next few months as they prepared for the album launch.

After signing the needed paperwork, which was almost laughable to do on a hill in the park. The familiar rush stayed in his fingers as he started walking back to his apartment. His mind was rushing with a million ideas, heaven knows the memories of you were clouding him now.

He itched to translate this into melodies.

His body lurched when he walked into your apartment. He grabbed onto the door as he let out a yelp.

Daveed was standing in the kitchen, that was off to the right of the front door, as pale as if he just witnessed a ghost or went through a threat on his life—

"Do I need to call the cops?" Lin whispered to his friend, eyes not possible to be wider.

It took a second, but Daveed shook his head. "No."

Lin squinted, tilting his head ever so slightly as he watched Daveed lock his phone, put it down and continue with the dinner he was busy preparing. Lin wanted to pry, but he knew his friend was here out of care and that Daveed had a whole life on the west coast. It would be impossible for Lin to guess what went wrong, but like everyone that has showed up for Lin in the last year, "You do know I'm here for you, right?"

Daveed's head tilted up so fast, Lin hadn't had the capacity to be there for anyone else in what feels like a lifetime ago— you feel like a lifetime ago. Daveed couldn't ruin that with the secret he just had placed on him. Once again, there was a wildfire in your mutual circles. This time, however, Daveed hoped everyone had the sense to keep this flame away from Lin. Not when he was getting better.

Daveed forced a smile. "I know that bud."

Lin returned the smile, leaning over for a hug. It was deep, needed, but brief enough for Lin to break away to go sit at his piano before the food started sizzling.

With every day of distance, it became easier and easier for Lin to write songs inspired by you and not be affected. It was easy to help craft an album, it was easy to give those songs away.

Before he knew it, he was on his way to the album release party. He still didn't have the courage to check social media, but Luis was more than happy to. Lin recieved a full report on how the album was being received, his pride swelling when his dad checked the charts and the songs he wrote all charted above the rest of the album— well except for one. The one song that the other ghost writer had on the album.

He tried not to be bothered by it, his life was taking a turn and he couldn't allow something like that to drag him back to where he was a year ago.

"Are you seeing someone?" Luis gasped, catching Lin's attention.

"No, of course not."

Lin did have the habit of waiting until his lovers were too far in to back out before he introduced them to his family. They were intense, but he loved that about them. It's just that he didn't particularly enjoy telling his family why he couldn't make it work. Till this day no one in his life heard what happened before you walked out of the apartment a year ago and that was by design. It was always easier that way.

Luis stepped out first, cheers errupting from the crowd. The cheers got louder and the flashes quicker when it was Lin's turn. He did his best to hold his ground, it had been a while since his last public appearance. He could handle a minute or two of overwhelming screams from the papparazzi before his hand was on his chest, soothing his nerves as best it can.

He wouldn't give it any attention, but he had a feeling that wouldn't go away. As soon as he officially got the invite to the release party, an unsettled feeling made home in the center of his chest. It was always normal to be nervous, but this was something else. Something he couldn't place.

The inside of the venue was much calmer, allowing Lin to take a deep breath. He had already lost his dad— who was probably networking. He didn't mind, but networking was not yet something he could bring himself to do. He kept an eye out for the artist he had been working with, taking a shot of tequila on the way through the middle of the event. The tequila settled in his throat mostly, and it was welcome, but he didn't want to go all the way tonight. He had been there many times in the last few months and this was not the place for the secrets he easily spilt under the influence.

He finally spotted them. Another release of breath. Maybe he could leave early. He craved a good rest, a good vacation since this was officially off of his desk—

fuck.

The walls of the room started spinning, the people around him blurred. Except for you.

fuck.

When you made eye contact with Lin for the first time in a year, your smile couldn't help but falter, which felt like a wrecking ball to your heart. You couldn't help your left hand disappearing from sight, or the grip on your drink increasing in intensity. The artist next to you gasped, clearly well seated on the "get so drunk there's no memories of tonight" train. They threw their arms around Lin in a way that forced you to look away. You didn't want to cringe, but the giggling went straight to your throat. It was burning, you felt like crying.

Why the fuck was he here?

You couldn't even guess how Lin had met your client, but clearly he went from keeping a healthy distance from you to dancing across your boundaries. You didn't appreciate it one bit.

As they engaged in small talk, you excused yourself. You had been there early and Lin's arrival was more than enough to convince you that it was time to go home.

"Wait!" Lin called out. You turned around to see how easily your client moved to talk to someone else as Lin brushed past them, not even noticing that the conversation had been cut short. Why you even stopped walking was beyond you.

"Let's not do this."

"I just—" Lin started, hand running through his hair. "I just…"

He couldn't find the words. You had a unique talent of leaving him speechless.

"I'm engaged." You blurted out. You didn't know why you said it, he didn't need to know. It was just the only tool you had to stop this conversation. It was safe to say it worked like a charm.

His shoulders sagged, his eyes lost it's spark and you could see him shake his head for a second.

"I don't need this right now." You concluded, backing away until you were a healthy distance from him. Until it was safe to turn your back on him.

Then you ran.

For the first time in a while, you were happy that your fiance was on a bussiness trip. This wasn't something you would allow them to pry into. They didn't need to see how Lin affected you. Ity was pathetic in a way, how you collapsed in your bedroom and had to practically crawl to the shower as tears poured out your eyes and your hands clawed to free you from your outfit.

The shower was your best bet at calming your nervous system that was rattling like you did enough drugs for every american's lifetime. You were shaking.

Your spiral continued in the shower, although the hot water was helping. You just couldn't take being alone, so you did what you have been doing for the past year. You went to Daveed's apartment.

You knew he bought it after coming to this coast for the upteenth time, deciding it was better for Lin's sake and work's sake than living in hotels.

He had invited you over once, admittedly he was never close to you, but the last few months changed that. You had grown close, close enough that you'd visit him whenever he was in the city and he would allow you to sleep in his guest bedroom. You two never talked about Lin, or what happened, but you'd share vulnerabilities and meals all the same. He saw you at your worst, he saw you as you rebuilt yourself and he was along for the ride when you met your fiance.

Daveed was in a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants when he opened the door. You didn't even know what you were wearing but it must've been a terrible combination for Daveed to look at you like that.

You didn't have time for words, all you could do was fall apart in his arms. He gladly held you, he gladly moved you to the couch. There was no chance you'd be able to tell him what had happened, but considering the texts he got from Lin a minute earlier, he could've puzzled the situation together.

Daveed thought you were stronger than Lin during this process. He wasn't worried at all as you soaked his shirt. Tonight you'd be torn apart and by the morning you'd be back to the self you've been yesterday— before your reunion with Lin.

And he was exactly right.

What Daveed didn't expect was how well Lin handled seeing you. You left in the evening and as fate would've had it, Lin showed up to Daveed's door 20 minutes later.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lin interrogated as soon as the door cracked open.

"Wasn't my place," Daveed sighed. Lin glared at him, letting Daveed see a hint of Lin's true feelings. A silence followed as Lin let himself in, pushing past the taller man.

Daveed followed Lin into the living room. This apartment was much smaller than the house he preferred to be in. It got the job done at least.

"Did I really lose them?" Lin asked, turning around and fixing Daveed with a sincere look. Daveed shrugged. What the fuck did he know.

"I have to ask," Daveed adjusted his stance. "What were you thinking?"

Lin's hand found his chest.

"I don't know."

That wasn't the truth, but neither would call bullshit. Daveed knew why Lin started writing pop albums. Lin knew too, he just wouldn't admit it.

Lin was more exhausted than he had thought. Daveed considered Lin to be lucky to have a friend like him because instead of kicking him out, Daveed offered his guestroom up once more.

What Daveed had forgotten was that Lin would recognise you anywhere. Even though the sheets had been changed, the room smelled like you and if Lin tried to dig himself deeper into the bed in order to catch a trace of your warmth, nobody needed to know.

The next few weeks was the start of Lin's vacation— it started out shit. He couldn't stop thinking about you, how electric he felt under your gaze. He couldn't stop thinking about the hurricane in his chest as you uttered the word 'engaged'. He had always imagined you saying that with his ring around your finger.

You never knew that he impulsively bought one after your second date. Till this day, he was convinced that it perfectly matched you. Which was either a stroke of fate or luck.

He was already over his vacation, his hands itching to create… which is why he allowed himself a meeting. Just one wouldn't hurt.

He didn't take the job.

He found himself walking around the city, testing out a myriad of lyrics. His maroon suit and black dress shoes weren't ideal. Yet, as of late, his feet seemed to always bring him to the building that housed the album release party. It was too little to call you a vision. He had never seen you looking that beautiful.

The current track cut off, instead playing a song off of the album. It was the song that had been charting above all his songs since the album dropped. He always skipped it.

Was it bitterness? He didn't know.

He was about to skip when a woman's heel caught on the sidewalk, sending her into his arms. His grip was firm on her, but his mind was elsewhere.

Instead of the artist's voice, it was your voice.

The woman untangled herself from Lin, he was as still as a statue. Your words were sinking into his mind's pathways.

"I wish I could unrecall how we almost had it all."

Was this song about him? Did he have the demo all along?

His mind started racing. With every line, a memory greeted him. He was horrified with how much you knew about the way he acted the months after your breakup.

Then the realisation hit.

He messed up. He messed everything up— so terribly and he didn't even remember what the fight was about. That was the part that made him feel like an idiot. Why the fuck were you two doing this? Why were you wasting time?

By the time the bridge hit, he was calling Daveed.

No answer.

He spiraled into calling everyone who's anyone in his contacts. He needed to find you.

His feet started moving as he jumped from number to number— the city has never felt so big. He tried every corner he thought you'd still frequent, it was second nature for him to know your favourite hiding places. He was out of breath by the 6th location he checked. He only had one more person who could possibly know where you were. His sister.

"Hi Lin-Manu—" She started but his desperation ran ahead of his manners.

"Where are they?" He gasped. He was winded, but that was not about to stop him from getting to you.

"Who—"

"You know who." His voice was far from the brother she knew. The man on the phone was a stranger to her, but as she looked around at the people around her she knew there was one person who did know him.

Lin didn't even really hear the address his sister gave him, he just knew he was racing against time. He also knew that his sister, nor Daveed or anyone that was close to either of you would fix his mistake. Not this time.

He was alone in this and that was okay. He would make it work.

—

Church bells filled the surrounding neighborhood. Inside, a beautiful white wedding was planned and set up. Your fiance was already at the start of the aisle and you watched as people started filling the pews.

Mentally, you were marking down who had actually arrived and who had yet to.

You couldn't help but smile as you saw Daveed and his wife. Your throat threatened to swell when you spotted your loved ones, each and every one, taking a seat. A pang ran through your chest when you spotted Lin's sister. You had spent so long thinking that she'd be at your wedding, just never like this. You knew she was here without her brother's knowledge— hell, even Daveed probably lied about his whereabouts.

Nerves settled into your arms specifically as less and less people crowded the doors, meaning that it was almost time. You shook your arms, trying to get rid of any doubts you were having. You were sure this is what you wanted. You loved your fiance and when the proposal happened— it just made sense.

There was no reason to doubt your day.

Soon, your chosen escort— the person closest to you, who was the only one that had the credentials to 'give you away'. Truthfully, it didn't mean much because you have always belonged to yourself— took your arm. The wedding planner was sweating more than you as they tried to keep everything precisely on time. You never imagined this type of wedding, but just like your fiance, it made sense.

Shivers ran through you as the church bells chimed once more. It was so beautiful to you.

You blew out your breath as the music changed to the wedding march you had chosen. The wedding planner cued you and your escort moved to walk first, trying to encourage you along.

However, you didn't feel rushed. You smiled as you started on your own pace, trying to make the walk last as long as possible. After all, you only got to do this once.

Your heart swelled with each step, your fiance was ever patient, smile reflecting your own. When you reached the front of the aisle, your fiance reached out their hand to guide you up the steps.

Your hands were about to touch, the moment of forever was about to begin—

If only gasps didn't ring out through the crowds, catching your attention. Your hand fell back to your side as you turned around to see what had happened, your stomach of nerves hollowing out at the thought of your one chance being ruined. Even if temporarily. With a hick, your breath refused to leave your throat.

Fucking Lin-Manuel Miranda stood in the aisle you just walked down.

He was in a maroon suit, black shoes and dripping wet. Seemingly, despite the golden hour that you had planned for your wedding ceremony, it had rained.

"Don't be with them." He declared loudly, chest heaving as those familiar eyes stared back at your own. The crowd gasped again.

"Lin— I…" You wanted to be angry at him. You wanted to cuss him out in front of everyone and marry your fiance just to prove your point.

He took the chance to speak in your moment of hesitation. "Don't be with them."

He repeated the sentence again as-if he wasn't heard the first time. Except this time, you noticed how defeated he looked. Weeks ago, at the release party, you were too caught in the hurricane to notice how weathered he had looked. Now, soaked to the bone, hair falling into his face and lips trembling, you saw his vulnerabilities and you wondered if there will always be a part of you that wouldn't run away from him.

"Be with me."

Fuck. those words sent you over the edge and tears pricked at your eyes.

"Why now?" You asked him, body weakening as the emotions you've been hiding all this time threatened to take over. You were so close to getting to the other side of losing the love of your life. You had done most of the work and you were on the cusp of it— but he ruined it all.

"Don't you see?" He asked, stepping closer, which prompted your fiance to reach out and try to pull you back. You just shook your head at them, focusing your attention on Lin once more. "It's not now. It has always been."

You didn't know. How could you? When more than a year ago he hadn't chased you out of that apartment. He didn't try to find you for days, for weeks, for months, for a year. You had to move on with your life. You just shook your head, heart aching at the way hurt flashed across his face.

But you didn't miss the determination that took over his features.

"Look— I'm sorry." He stepped right in front of you. "I'm sorry for a year ago, I'm sorry for months ago. I wish I could say I'm sorry that you could write that song about me."

Your breath hitched again. How did he find out about that?

"I—I—I found the demo." He took your hand. The closer he got, the less you noticed but him. You never stopped loving the way his eyes shined when he looked at you.

"You shouldn't have." Your words came out in a whisper, a complete contrast to how loudly he's been speaking. He wanted to be heard.

"Okay, yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have found it… but I did." His eyes searched yours, you didn't know what he was looking for but you were confident that he would find it. It was just a fact that no one could unravel you like Lin did. "And it made me realise what I'd done. It made me realise that I lost you— and that I couldn't live with myself if I stood by and watched you marry someone else."

His eyes flicked to your mouth and everything you've been suppressing started bubbling up.

In your silence, "You should be marrying me."

He emphasized the last word, as he lowered himself onto one knee and took both of your hands into his.

"Lin... I don't think this is appropriate." You looked around the room, everyone was shocked into silence. Only then did you realise that your cheeks had become wet.

"I know. I'm not asking you to marry me— not yet— but I am asking you to call this whole thing off. Be with me. Come home."

Oh how long you've been waiting for him to say that.

You looked back at your fiance, eyes burning more and more. They simply shrugged as-if they accepted the words you hadn't even said yet. You let go of Lin's on hand to take theirs.

"Is it okay?" You asked them softly— afraid that if you spoke too loudly that it would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

"I want you to be happy."

It was anti climatic response, but it felt so perfectly them. You would always love them, in some way. Never in the way you loved Lin. No one would be loved by you in the way that Lin was.

Which only made it right when you turned back to Lin, returning your hand to his. A smile covered your face again, dispersing the worry that was littering Lin's.

"Yes!"

You laughed as Lin jumped up, sweeping you into his arms. In a cliche, he spun you around as your fiance announced that the wedding was called off. Once your face was illuminated by the sunlight again, he slowly leaned in.

You would've guessed that it was so that he could remember every detail about this moment— just like you had wanted to— but he was mostly trying to give you time to change your mind.

He was sure about his future with you and he wanted you to feel the same.

He got his answer when your lips met his… fuck you gave him life.

It was electrifying as you kept pulling back and leaning in again— when his tongue met yours for the first time in a lifetime, you knew that this was your forever. He weakened and empowered you all the same.