The Deistiary

Found in fragments over time, we still don’t have the complete tale, although it’s a much more coherent version than we had just a few decades ago.

One misconception earlier scholars of mythology had (looking at you, Frazer) is that the story is about Inanna going into the Underworld to save her lover, in a story that would parallel that of Aphrodite and Adonis. This version of the story is a bit more generous than Inanna deserves. 

No motivation for the journey seems to be given in the text—she claims that it’s to attend the funeral of her brother-in-law Guglanna, but given the animosity between her and her sister Ereshkigal, Queen of the Underworld, this seems unlikely. Some interpretations are that she is seeking Underworld me, or is just in pursuit of knowledge. Maybe she did it for the vine. 

Before she goes, she puts on seven symbols of power—her crown, lapis beads, her royal robe, a make-up with the catchy name “Let him come, Let him come,” a breastplate (called “Come, man, come!”, a sentiment probably shared by many women in heterosexual relationships,) a gold ring and a measuring rod and line.

After conferring with Ereshkigal, Neti, Ereshkigal’s minion in charge, agrees to let Inanna through the first gate under the condition that she remove her crown. When Inanna asks why, she gets a resoundlingly clear answer:

Quiet, Inanna. The ways of the Underworld are perfect. They may not be questioned. 

The same ritual is repeated at the second through seventh gates. 

When she finally reaches the Underworld, she is naked. Ereshkigal greets her estranged sister by killing her and hanging corpse on the wall. 

Ninshubur (the bestie, and in this case, Inanna’s back-up plan,) has been waiting near the gates of the Underworld. When Inanna doesn’t come back for several days, she goes to the other gods for help. Both Enlil and Nanna are unwilling, reasoning that Inanna is the one who marched into the Land of the Dead and what did she expect? You don’t come back from that, kid. (All three of the gods refer to her as ‘daughter.’) 

Ninshubur then moves on to Enki, who probably facepalmed before asking “What has my daughter done?” He then creates two demons to help her out. 

Back at the Hell Ranch, Ereshkigal has gone into labor. The demons offer her sympathy in exchange for Inanna’s corpse, and clearly there’s not enough sympathy in the Underworld, because they secure this deal. The catch is that when one soul leaves, another must take its place-- so when Inanna leaves, the galla demons of the Underworld follow her, looking for a victim. 

The first person they meet is Ninshubur. The galla suggest taking her, but Inanna argues that Ninshubur just saved her ass and that would be really rude—plus, Ninshubur is her bestie. Next they find her sons, who have been doing the proper mourning rituals that one is supposed to do when your mother has disappeared into the Underworld, and Inanna won’t let either of them be taken either.

Then she gets home, and finds that in her death, her husband has not been doing the proper mourning rituals. Instead he has taken over her throne and seems to be quite happy ruling.

And not to victim blame, but Dumuzi did marry the goddess of battle. He probably should have known better.

Inanna suggests that the galla take him in her place. Dumuzi prays to Utu, saying that he didn’t warn him that his sister was homicidal when he got Dumuzi to marry her and could he help a bro out? Utu agrees that this is covered under their Bro Code, and turns Dumuzi into a snake, allowing him to flee. 

What follows is a long saga of Dumuzi running, hiding, running and hiding. He takes shelter in a field near his sister’s house. When the galla demons arrive, Geshtinanna refuses to give up his whereabouts—they move onto his friend. Dumuzi’s best friend is clearly not Ninshubur caliber, because he gives up the shepherd immediately.

Utu turns him into a gazelle; he runs away; he circles back to Geshtinanna; they catch him. 

He is brought to the Underworld.

Now Dumuzi was a popular guy in the city, and people go into mourning. Also, Inanna is getting thirsty, and regrets sending her hubby out to die even if she sort of felt like he deserved it.

It’s around this time that Geshtinanna, Dumuzi’s sister, comes to Inanna to express her desire that her brother not remain dead. Here’s where the story gets sketchy: in the missing piece, a fly apparently gives Inanna some vitel intel, and in exchange she gives it permission to live in taverns. Then it’s decided that Geshtinanna and Dumuzi can switch places in the underworld every half a year, making them the reason for the season.

Everybody else probably lives happily ever after.

Enki then drunkenly gives her most of his me—including, but not limited to, the aforementioned tavern, prostitution, the kissing of the phallus, the dagger, black clothes, colorful clothes, kingship, heroics, plundering cities, and kindness. Inanna puts them all on her boat and immediately sets sail for her home in Uruk. When Enki sobers up, he asks his minion in charge, Izimud, what has happened to all of his tablets. Isimud explains that he had given them away.  

Enraged, Enki sends windstorms after her, but Inanna’s bestie Ninshubur is able to fend them off, letting Inanna arrive safely in Uruk with her new treasures.

In most circumstances, such a move could have created a bitter rivalry between the two deities. Enki, however, sort of nodded and said “Well played.” (Actually, he said “Let the me you have taken with you remain in the holy shrine of your city, let the children of Uruk rejoice,” but same difference, really.) He then becomes her ally in some of her later adventures, most notably her Descent into the Underworld.

For the most part, he and Ninshubur tend to be her only allies—a recurring theme in Inanna’s stories is the other gods’ failure to help out when she asks, and she learns that she doesn’t need them anyway. One of the most obvious examples of this is in the story of Inanna and Mount Ebih, written by the high priestess Enheduanna (one of the oldest known poets.)

In this tale, a mountain shows up with paradise-like properties: shepherdless sheep, fruits all year round, everything is awesome. Inanna is miffed that it is breaking the rules, but when she confronts it, it refuses to bow to her, to “wipe its nose on the ground,” or show fear in any way.

This pisses her off.

She goes to An, the king of the gods, and asks for help. An goes on record declaring “Oh, yeah. Ebih. That mountain. Yeah. That mountain is super powerful and is breaking all the laws of nature and is kind of freaking the rest of us out, so you’re on your own, kiddo.”

This also pisses her off.

She proceeds to channel her frustration into smashing the holy hell out of Mount Ebih. With style.

Enheduanna wisely ends the poem with a testament to her greatness as the primary goddess of ancient Sumer. Inanna also made it to Babylon under the name Ishtar, and may have influenced Anat and Astarte who in turn may have been earlier versions of Aphrodite and Athena. Like Aphrodite, Inanna was associated with the planet Venus, whose movement was accounted for in the Descent into the Underworld.

The problem with the sun living in a cave is obvious. With the world in darkness, the other gods did not have the luxury of waiting for her to get bored and come home the way most people do when a family member chooses to become a hermit. They all ended up gathering around the cave, begging and bribing her to leave.

Ame-no-Uzume took stock of the situation, and then, in a moment of divine brilliance, started to strip and/or do her sexy dance. The other gods started laughing, prompting a curious Amaterasu to come out to see what was so funny. Uzume has been connected with dawn and dancing ever since. (She may be related to an ancient Indo-European dawn goddess that also became Eros.)

The stories of how she met her husband vary. Sometimes she is trying to claim land for Amaterasu-- other times she is accompanying Ninigi (first emperor of Japan) to earth. In both versions, a monster blocks their path. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

Saruta-Hiko: Go away. This is my land.

Ame-no-Uzume: Okay but have you seen deez titties?

Saruta-Hiko: Damn.

They married, and presumably lived happily ever after.

In the first saga of “Anat Solves Baal’s Problems”, Baal (the storm god) feels that he has not gotten enough swag from their father, El, and deserves more land/wealth/power/whatever. Anat storms up to El and threatens to brutally murder him (“make his gray hair run with blood and his gray beard with gore,” if you want to be specific) unless he has a new palace built for her favorite brother.

There are debates as to whether or not the relationship between Baal and Anat was sexual. Many older sources assume that that it was, but some recently have pointed out that nowhere in the literature is she shown being sexually active: indeed, she’s often described as ‘maiden’ and ‘virgin,’ and unlike many goddesses of the time, she was never shown naked. (She also mourns Baal “like the heart of a cow for her calf, like the heart of a ewe for her lamb,” which implies either a purely familiar bond or some creepy kinky Oedipus shit.)  Either way, she is never subservient to a man, and lives in her own palace. Presumably, if she was having sex, she did it the way she did everything else: exactly how and when she wanted to. After all, Anat is the reason why Waldo is hiding.  And Death once had a near-Anat experience.

No, really.

Mot (god of death and the dry season) had made the mistake of killing Baal—Anat Solves Ball’s Problems, book two— in a move that suggests a drought. Anat’s response to this was diplomatic and practical: she pulverized Mot, tore him into pieces, ground his bones into dust, and fed him to the birds. Due to some sound myth-logic, this brought Baal back from the dead, and served as an explanation for the change in seasons (although unlike Dumuzi and Persephone, there is no mention of Baal having to spend time in the Underworld.)

She’s also been connected to Athena by writers in Cyprus. (Which is interesting—her response to a mortal who wouldn’t give her a really awesome bow and implied that women couldn’t shoot anyway was to kill him, which is more of an Artemis move.) Though the height of Anat’s cult worship was during the Bronze Age, she later made it over to Egypt where she was favored by Ramses II—eventually she blurred into Hathor.