Deirdreams

Coping with it is kind of a long process, one that took me more than 6 years to really get over. The legal process of annulment of their marriage took almost 3 years (completed a couple of months ago) and by then I was pretty okay with it because of the extra years of adjusting prior to the filing for separation.

Now I’m guessing the divorce took you by surprise, as you feel like your life is falling apart – that’s how I felt when my parents first opened up to me about their marriage problems when I was 15. What I did to cope with that was a mix of desensitization and distraction.

When I talked to my parents, I kept asking them about why things were going the way they were and I tried to see it from their perspectives. I didn’t shut them out of my life; I heard them out as much as possible. It’s a slow process and, I’m not going to lie to you, it hurt like hell, but eventually I found my way to understanding what led them to such a decision. It took a LOT of maturity for me to set aside the anger and disappointment, but I want you to know that you shouldn’t stop yourself from feeling those things if you do – even I still feel negative emotions up to this day. I set them aside mostly when I talk to either of them because it allows me to keep an open mind about the situation, but I never forget that I am 100% allowed to feel this way. As the eldest, I also had to make sure I talked to my siblings about what they were feeling: my sister felt betrayed, and my brother felt the need to either blame himself or my mother.

Anywaaaaaaay the point is I basically drowned myself in everything about the whole separation until I finally reached that point where I can be chill talking about it now. You know you’re there when you no longer find yourself in tears when talking about it with people you love and trust.

Also, because I had the convenience of staying away from our home for the last 5 years, it was pretty easy for me to distract myself from what was going on. I didn’t let it consume my life so I was still able to focus on my studies, meet new friends, concentrate on my interests, etc. I guess what’s important for you to survive the whole thing is to not lose yourself in the process of the divorce. This was difficult for me because I’m kind of a family-centered person, but the good news is that I didn’t lose that part of me either despite the separation. If there’s anything you’ll allow this to change in you, make sure it’s to make you a better and stronger person. I fought to rise above the depression it brought me by fixating on the kind of person I would be by the end of it, and that really helped. It wasn’t so much a positive outlook, but a neutral one that allowed me to maintain decent relationships with both my parents.

I hope this helps in any way. The wounds never fully heal but you can learn to live with them. I can’t promise that it won’t hurt when you accidentally pull on the stitches from time to time, but the important part is they’re closed and cannot get any worse.

I can't believe it's been a year since I graduated from college! I guess this means I won't be considered a "fresh graduate" anymore because a new batch will be going through a transition period of soul-searching and job-hunting. That said, I figured that this was a good time to talk about the major career decisions I had to make in the past year. I wanted to impart some lessons I've learned and discuss the things I've discovered about myself and the real world so that the next set of fresh grads can take them into consideration when deciding on what to do after graduation.

So before anything, just a quick recap of when I was in those shoes: I was offered a nice job even before I was handed a diploma, and I quickly accepted (I didn't know what else was out there for me, and it seemed like a comfortable way to try out HR while earning a fine salary). And well, we all know how that turned out after a couple of months so I was back to job hunting. I knew better that second time around -- I knew what kind of work I didn't enjoy and what type of environment wouldn't help me develop the skills I wanted to develop.

I wanted a marketing role and I wanted to join a company where my efforts would visibly affect the group's growth. I wanted coworkers who would be able to embrace my tendencies to be a focused introvert or a really chatty smart-ass. I wanted bosses who I would ultimately respect because of their achievements and not because of their seniority. Basically, I wanted so many things and I wasn't even sure if they were possible, but I went right ahead and attended interviews, openly expressed the kind of person that I am, and quietly watched out for what I wanted.

After about a month of job hunting, I was able to narrow my choices down to two (I had to be brave enough to immediately say "no" to offers that I knew weren't gonna make me happy). One was a management trainee position in a Hong Kong IT company, and my main responsibility was to market an app they were working on. Another was a marketing role for a home-grown company managing three food concepts and launching another concept soon. Of course, both opportunities had their pros and cons: the MT position would allow me to travel to HK, UK, etc for work but involved tasks that would utilize my (nonexistent) people skills more, while the other would allow me to be creative and analytical at the same time but it felt risky working for a young company. In the end, I chose the latter primarily because they were working on a concept that was close to what I wanted to work on in the long run.

Fast forward to four months later where not even a little bit of myself regrets the decision I made then. And to be perfectly honest, I'm a bit surprised. Job satisfaction wasn't something I expected; I figured I would be bored or tired or, worse, empty by now -- y'know, the usual things people feel when they're corporate slaves fooling themselves into believing that they're making a positive impact on the economy or something. Then it hit me: I'm not just another drone working for a corporation; I don't go to work in the morning only to wait for the hours to pass so I can go home and repeat the process again the next day. I'm part of a startup(-ish) company and that, I think, makes all the difference.

So anyway, long story short, and for some folks who would prefer I would go right ahead and make an easier to read and digest version of this post, here goes:

3 Reasons to Work for a Startup

1) It's the perfect environment for aspiring millennials; it's both challenging and accommodating.

Just to get this out in the open already: startups have a limited budget to work with. This means that they don't have the resources to hire people who 1) bring too little to the table and 2) are too specialized in a field already to be flexible. So what does this mean for millennials? Well, for one, startups motivate you to shine -- you come in as a diamond in the rough but under the competitive pressure (and I say this in the non-traditional sense! Don't picture people dragging each other down, but imagine being surrounded by A+ students and all you want to do is prove that you can get an A+ too), you can come out feeling like you can cut through anything life throws at you.

This also means that startups prefer people who are jack of all trades (Millennials) than those who are master of one (most people from Gen X). This is a big deal for me because it doesn't limit my contribution to the company. A huge chunk of my satisfaction right now is actually drawn from the fact that I get to utilize my HR background (I'm so grateful that my 5 months at my first job didn't go to waste) and my publicity and promotions experience from college. I'm given the freedom to do interviews and photoshoots and to manage special projects -- which are all things I enjoy doing, but unfortunately fall under the responsibilities of different departments in a conservative corporation. Luckily, my bosses are very accommodating of my skills and of the things I want to try out. In fact, my job description and responsibilities change every couple of weeks! (And this is definitely a good thing if you're looking to beef up your resume.) Startups are just so flexible that way.

2) It encourages quality relationships with bosses and coworkers.

Another thing you need to know about startups is most of them don't have enough people to fill up a complex organizational chart. I currently don't report to a team lead or supervisor or head who then reports to another name in a box on a chart; instead, I have one-on-one meetings every week with one of the owners of the company. I get to talk to the managing director, who happens to be in-charge of marketing, about stuff I want to post on the concepts' Facebook pages or the props I want to buy for our photoshoots. From time to time, she coaches me through some marketing concepts I still need to understand (after all, I'm no business ad or management graduate) and she tells me stories about her previous job that I can use as learning points. During another day of the week, I meet with another boss to discuss the special project I'm working on. Around once a month, we get to talk about my personal career development plan; we look at what my strengths are and where I can utilize them more. I take comfort in the fact that my bosses care about my growth as much as the company's.

I guess you folks might think this is just good practice of the open door policy, but it's more than that because don't even have doors. The layout of our office is so open that we can see our bosses working at their desks just a couple of meters away from ours. The floor plan allows open communication between the employees that one can even hear the marketing team laugh and talk about other restaurants' campaigns. It's so damn open that people from across the room are invited to laugh along with us. It's gets crazy sometimes but this is where harmony in the workplace starts.

3) It's fulfilling.

I'll admit that it's not the most financially rewarding opportunity out there, but working for a startup is more worthwhile than sitting at a desk and pretending to be of use until the clock strikes 5. I draw satisfaction from the fact that I'm making an effort to be the best I can possibly be and that I’m not wasting my time at a job that isn't even meaningful for me. Now this may differ from startup to startup and from person to person, but working on a project that is of personal value doesn't even feel like work sometimes. The money is still there, of course, but the fulfillment from doing something of impact is a lovely bonus that not everyone can take home as a reward. 

1) People skills are required.

I took an HR job and I obviously missed the memo that one had to be a people person to fit in. I’m not exactly the most agreeable person so it’s no surprise that I didn’t find anyone I could get along with nicely until one of my college friends joined our team. Things were easier when I had someone to eat lunch with (I often preferred eating at my desk with minimal human interaction) because I learned how to be less of a snob and be more of a friend.

Unfortunately, I was (probably still am) the type of person who didn't return greetings like "good morning" and didn't go around trying to make small talk with people I couldn't really tolerate. As a result, I think I became one of those people in the office that only a few got along with. And to be honest, that was completely fine by me. It was just that I felt like if I didn't graduate from where I graduated and if I didn't perform the way I performed, I would have been easily passed up for better opportunities.

The point here is you should NOT BE LIKE ME. I didn't bother fixing this because I didn't plan to stay in HR or in the company anyway. But if you like where you are now and who you’re with, I suggest you make the extra effort to not just tolerate the people you work with/for, but also to be a decent human being. I'm not saying that you should be 'plastic' or that you should force yourself to be friendly (which is especially difficult for introverts like me), but perhaps be careful about how you treat people because you'll never know how a short interaction or small gesture can affect your career.

2) Ideals are (sort of) for the naive, but give you something to work for.

I was able to live with the HR job for a while because I initially believed that I could help a lot of people get jobs and make their working life somewhat easier. It only took me a couple of weeks to realize that it wasn't gonna work that way; I was rejecting so many people -- people who traveled miles and miles away from their home just to take an exam. It used to break my heart turning down hopeful applicants but I eventually got used to it and became sort of numb about the entire thing (probably even made me more cynical that I used to be).

However, this eventually led to me not caring so much about my job anymore. I felt like I wasn't really making a difference anyway and I realized that the system was always gonna be that way. I guess my point here is that if I still believed in my reason for joining in the first place, I wouldn't have been demotivated and I wouldn't have left. 

3) Appearances aren’t everything, but still make up 3/4 of your total confidence.

I never really understood the value of wearing make-up on a daily basis until I started working. On top of that, I liked wearing basically the same ten items of clothing again and again. So obviously being part HR (the first department employees face when they join the company) challenged me to change the way I carried myself. My boss even used to remind me to wear make-up because I looked pale :))

I grew conscious so I made efforts to wear contact lens and dress appropriately. I eventually got tired of it though, so I started wearing my glasses in the office more often and wore clothes that were more comfortable but only looked passable for work. This made me more relaxed, but also made me feel less confident about myself because I interviewed applicants who were dressed better than I was, and stood in the elevator with people who seemed to master the art of power-dressing.

Anyway, it didn't take me long (well, maybe it did) to realize that there are merits to the whole corporate attire requirement. Looking professional on the outside made me feel more professional from the inside; it kinda gave me the power and confidence boost I needed to get through some days.

4) The corporate life isn’t for everyone.

I work for a start-up(-ish) company right now and things are so different! I guess the contrast is so stark now that I'm in a new environment, but even before the new job, I have already decided that the corporate life wasn't for me (at least for now). I learned that working for a big company meant that all my efforts can actually be reduced to a single ripple in a vast ocean. I felt like a replaceable part in a well-oiled machine and I did not like that at all. I happen to work better when I'm able to see what my contribution yields, when I'm able to quantify just how much I help the organization grow.

One Song

Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

Two Movies

The Last Five Years

The Imitation Game

Three TV Shows

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Selfie (someone please resurrect this show!)

The OC (been feeling nostalgic lately)

Four People

My house elf <3

My sister

Ingrid, one of my best friends

Chelsea Fagan (because of her tweets obvs)

Five Foods

Steak by The Boyfriend

Burgers by The Boyfriend

Mushroom Tofu Sisig at Sisig Society

Shio Ramen and Fried Salmon Set Meal at Hokkaido Ramen Santouka

Chicken Pastel Empanada from the Starbucks near the office

Six People to Tag

jelliedfish

findinglenity

abbeylieve

brentstevenbueno

kezianthology

That said, the most important thing I learned from covering major events is that you can’t do it alone. A partner is very very helpful, especially when too many things are going on already (and this happens a lot during gatherings!) If your friend didn’t ask anyone else to cover her wedding (i.e. hire a professional team to do it), then I suggest you inform her that you might have a hard time doing it alone. Ask another friend who can assist you in taking photos because you can’t just keep running around to shoot different angles of one very precious moment. Trust me on this, I thought it was easy if I just push myself to keep an eye out for everything that happens but you’ll end up giving your friend a one-sided perspective of her big day; an assistant photographer adds valuable insight and photos different from yours that may improve the selection of photos you’ll hand over to the bride and groom :)

Second, it’s always best to manage expectations. When I was an assistant photographer for a wedding before, I appreciated that the main photographer and the clients discussed 1) the kind of photos the photographers can take and 2) the type of photos the clients want. Your friend might want more posed and traditional photos of the families and guests OR your friend might want candid and unique photos of the event… OR EVEN BOTH. I had to deal with a couple before that wanted all the photos to be black and white. I appreciated knowing this so I knew what kind of photos I needed to take. Some clients would even come up with a shot list, where they enumerate the crucial moments that you need to cover (e.g. the bride’s reaction when she was surprised with a horse and carriage in place of a bridal car (this actually happened it was so cute and touching)) OR significant details they want you to shoot (e.g. the bride wearing running shoes under her dress (also actually happened)). I wouldn’t have captured these moments or details well if we didn’t discuss what I had to expect from the wedding.

In turn, don’t forget to also set your friend’s expectations; this is especially relevant because it’s your first time. If you’re limited in terms of equipment, inform her of the limitations of the shots you might be able to take (like if you’re using kit lens, tell her you might not be able to take close-up shots unless you’re really near the altar / if the venue is kinda dark or if the reception’s in the evening, tell her you might have difficulty with lighting or something). It’s okay to doubt yourself in cases like this (and at our age, it’s definitely fine and understandable), because it’s better to surprise yourself with better photos than you expected than to disappoint a friend who might have expected perfection for her big day.