* ᶰ̵͟ᵒ̵͟ FEAR .

how / when did he learn about gender and sexuality? when did your muse first realize they’re attracted to the gender(s) that they are? - - - from @heuretourne . when did your muse first become aware that they’re not cis? have there been other meaningful people of the same or similar identities in your muse’s life that they’ve looked for support or understanding from? how did that go, and was the impact positive or negative in the end? - - - from @devours .

it   is   important   to   note   that   matt   was   born   in   the   middle   of   the   1970s.   this   fact   frames   his   entire   relationship   and   growth   towards   his   own   self,   in   many   aspects   —   his   gender   identity   /   presentation   &   sexuality   being   especially   crucial   in   this   regard.   we   are   speaking   of   a   time   when   presenting   as   queer   or   defying   the   cisheteronormativity   of   western   society   in   any   form   was   seen   as   wrong   in   morality,   religion,   and   the   political   field   as   well.   representation   in   media,   especially   of   transgender   people,   was   filled   with   stereotypes   and   blatant   homophobia.   artists   were   complimented   on   their   talent   but   criticized   on   their   lifestyles.   in   a   few   years,   the   united   states   would   witness   the   death   of   thousands   and   thousands   of   people   due   to   the   HIV/AID   virus   —   a   crisis   weaponized   by   the   powers   in   seat   to   further   erase   the   lgbt   community   from   existence.   that   is   the   moment   in   history   that   matt   murdock   grows   up   in.

matt   was   assigned   female   at   birth.   a   healthy   if   a   little   underweight   baby   alongside   his   twenty-four   minutes   older   twin,   michael.   at   that   stage,   maggie   and   jack   tried   to   gender   the   babies   with   associated   clothing   and   accessories   as   a   way   to   differentiate   the   two   in   more   obvious   ways;   hair   bows,   earrings,   bright   colors   and   pink   onesies   for   matt,   and   never   for   michael.   the   articles   of   clothing   were   mostly   pass   -   me   -   downs   from   neighbors,   a   few   more   bought   with   their   own   money.   with   maggie   leaving,   jack   had   now   to   raise   the   twins   on   a   dwindling   cache   as   he   continued   to   lose   fights   and   drink   more   to   cope   with   his   grief   —   eventually   he   quit   fighting   altogether,   preferring   to   make   whatever   money   he   could   through   hustling   and   robbing   for   ROSCOE   SWEENEY,   THE   FIXER.   there   wasn’t   enough   for   two   sets   of   clothes   and   two   sets   of   shoes,   so   he   started   dressing   matt   the   same   way   he   dressed   mike   and   that   was   that.   a   practical   solution   too,   because   gendered   as   feminine   clothing   are   more   expensive   and   the   twins   only   kept   outgrowing   their   wardrobe.

matt   grows   up   and   he's   not   uncomfortable   wearing   masculine   clothing.   he   does   not   mind   that   once   his   hair   grows   a   little,   jack   takes   him   to   a   barbershop   for   a   trim   and   not   a   salon.   it   is   for   the   sake   of   practicality,   yes,   but   even   when   he   first   goes   to   school   and   begins   interacting   with   girls,   he   doesn't   mind   looking   more   like   a   boy   than   a   girl.   he   even   likes   it.   being   a   boy   means   being   like   his   dad.   

but   as   he   grows   up,   he   starts   hearing   from   people   how   girls   should   behave;   what   girls   should   do,   like,   want,   etc.   those   made   little   sense   to   matt   (some   autistic   individuals   don’t   understand   why   gender   norms   are   what   they   are,   matt   is   certainly   one   of   those   individuals).   at   the   age   of   first   communion,   church   demands   that   matt   grows   out   his   hair   and   wears   a   dress   from   the   celebration   —   both   which   he   does   because   it   was   ordered   of   him,   and   he   hated   it.   that   same   night,   jack   found   matt   cutting   off   his   hair   with   the   school   scissors.   he   never   let   anyone   have   a   word   on   how   matt   should   dress   from   that   day   on.   but   the   problems   continued;   matt   was   also   bullied   for   not   conforming   to   his   gender   and,   for   that   matter,   his   sexuality   as   well.

matt   has   always   shown   an   interest   in   women.   at   the   time,   this   interest   manifested   as   wanting   to   spend   time   with   them,   share   his   interests   and   go   to   places   such   as   a   park   or   the   movie   theater,   or   even   just   walk   home   together.   that   and   his   presentation   preferences   had   him   gain   the   fame   of   being   a   lesbian.   he   adopted   that   as   truth   on   the   simple   logic   that   he   liked   girls   and   everyone   said   he   was   one   as   well.   that   identity,   of   a   masculine   lesbian,   would   follow   him   to   college.

at   sixteen,   things   changed.   new   york   has   always   been   a   centerpoint   for   queer   fights   —   matt   grew   up   hearing   about   the   stonewall   inn;living   and   breathing   the   queer   scene   take   space   in   neighborhoods   such   as   his   own.   michael   came   out   first   to   their   father:   he   was   gay.   jack   initially   responded   with   hurtful   denial   —   more   worried   than   angry   at   the   implications   of   having   a   gay   son   and   what   he   assumed   to   be   a   lesbian   daughter   —   but   in   time   that   fear   moved   on   to   acceptance.   this   event   also   prompted   matt   to   finally   come   in   close   contact   with   the   community   personally.   mike   used   to   pull   him   away   from   his   studies   to   go   protest,   or   dance,   or   simply   listen   to   voices   that   pleaded   respect   and   rights   to   their   governors.   it   was   the   first   time   matt   heard   the   word   transgender   in   a   routinely   context;   not   television,   or   concerts,   or   shows.   but   from   a   person   who   had   an   everyday   job   and   a   family   and   real   goals   and   dreams.

long   hours   spent   in   the   library,   using   the   new   computer   service.   researching   in   forums,   asking   his   brother   or   the   librarian   to   read   articles   aloud.   the   more   he   researched,   the   more   the   idea   of   transgender   resonated   within.   matt   decided   to   go   by   “matt”   only,   abandoning   his   (dead)   name.   he   started   being   more   vehement   about   being   referred   to   with   neutral   or   masculine   terms   —   when   it   felt   safe   to,   of   course.   by   now,   matt   has   learned   that   some   masks   were   for   his   own   safety.   jack   didn’t   mind   having   another   son   —   the   up   and   coming   professional   prizefighter   was   more   concerned   with   matt   going   to   college   and   with   mike   getting   his   act   together.   who   they   loved   and   which   pronouns   they   wanted?   those   were   met   with   acceptance   and   care.

speaking   of   care,   it   soon   started   downing   on   matt   that   this   physical   and   mental   dissonance   he   has   always   felt   had   a   name:   gender   dysphoria.   the   clothes   and   haircut   helped,   as   did   the   pronouns   and   new   name,   but   it   wasn't   enough.   he   learned   to   make   his   own   binders,   but   they   also   were   not   enough.   matt   already   struggled   with   derealization   and   loss   of   personhood   as   consequence   of   his   accident,   this   only   made   things   worse.   it   was   jack   who   noticed   his   son   stopped   eating,   couldn’t   focus,   the   long   shirts   and   multiple   layers   despite   the   june   heat.   so   he   did   what   he   couldn’t   have   done   for   maggie:   called   matt   for   a   conversation   and   they   agreed   to   seek   professional   help.   a   therapist   that   didn’t   try   to   convert   matt   out   of   queerness   was   difficult   to   find.   by   the   time   they   had   any   sort   of   reliable   name,   matt   was   already   halfway   through   his   second   term   in   college.   DOCTOR   ELISE   STOKEWORTH,   psychiatrist.   she   was   was   the   one   who   recognized   and   diagnosed   his   autism   too.   but   the   name   for   that   feeling   matt   had   was   confirmed   as   gender   dysphoria.   together,   matt   and   dr.   stokeworth   came   with   a   plan   to   medically   transition   —   both   to   lessen   his   symptoms   and   to   aid   him   in   changing   his   documentation,   since   he   had   to   be   on   testosterone   and   other   forms   of   medical   intervention   to   access   those   rights.   

michael   helped   with   the   testosterone.   dad   already   paid   a   good   sum   of   money   to   the   doctor   each   time.   they   couldn’t   afford   that   and   the   hormones.   so   mike,   whose   relationship   with   his   twin   brother   had   been   shaky   since   he   quit   high   school   in   senior   year,   started   using   some   of   his   dirty   money   from   cons   to   buy   the   injectable   hormones.   he   even   helped   his   brother   with   the   first   injection   ( matt   hasn’t   liked   needles   since   his   accident ).   

[   TRIGGER   WARNING   FOR   SEXUAL   ASSAULT   ]

matt   became   acquaintances   with   a   man   from   one   of   his   philosophy   classes.   this   man   invited   matt   to   one   of   the   frat   house   parties   that   would   happen   on   a   friday   night.   matt   agreed   to   go,   wanting   to   impress   the   guy   and   wanting   to   rebel   a   little   against   his   dad’s   curfew   hours.   at   some   point   in   the   party,   someone   (he   was   never   clear   on   who)   mixed   GHB   with   his   alcoholic   drink.   matt   returns   too   a   semi-conscious   state   half   an   hour   later   with   the   guy   from   his   class   raping   him   on   the   couch.

[   TRIGGER   WARNING   ENDS   HERE   ]

afterwards,   once   he   got   a   clean   bill   of   health   (in   secret   from   his   family),   matt   sought   out   his   psychiatrist   and   asked   for   a   referral   for   a   hysterectomy.   he   told   her   he   had   researched   some   bottom   surgery   options   from   the   list   she   had   shown   him   a   priori,   and   it   came   to   his   understanding   that   removing   his   uterus   and   ovulum   would   speed   up   the   effects   of   his   HRT   by   removing   one   of   the   body’s   main   sources   of   estrogen.   it   was   not   a   lie,   not   with   that   level   of   information   and   argument   in   favor   —   matt   just   opted   to   omit   the   detail   of   his   trauma.   dr.   stokeworth   approved   him   to   a   gynecologist   ( the   same   one   matt   goes   to   now )   for   further   exams.   it   took   some   more   convincing   to   jack,   but   he   eventually   caved   to   used   some   of   the   saved   money   to   pay   for   the   surgery.   matt   removed   his   uterus,   ovaries,   tubes   and   cervix,   a   procedure   known   as   radical   hysterectomy.   

what   followed   were   similar   symptoms   as   those   of   menopause   as   his   estrogen   levels   took   a   dive,   but   it   also   made   his   HRT   more   effective.   in   the   matter   of   months,   matt   had   met   the   testosterone   amount   needed   for   the   government   to   approve   his   document   change.   inside,   however,   those   months   post-operation   were   met   with   doubt,   some   regret   and   many   cycles   of   depression.   matt   knew   it   had   been   a   good   decision   by   the   wrong   causes.   now   with   a   cool   head   and   past   the   acute   phase   of   his   trauma,   matt   recognized   he   didn’t   want   it   like   this.   rushed in with a hot head.   still,   he   kept   it   a   secret.

time   passes.   matt   —   matthew   now,   officially   on   record   —   continues   on   with   HRT.   gets   in   columbia   law.   jack   dies,   mike   leaves.   he   meets   foggy.   he   meets   elektra.   wonderful   two   years   pass   by   her   side   until   her   father   is   murdered   and   she   is   forced   to   leave   the   country.   now,   in   those   two   years   matt   did   come   out   as   trans   to   his   best   friend   and   his   girlfriend.   he   was   once   again   met   with   acceptance   from   both,   but   he   didn’t   extend   that   knowledge   to   anyone   outside   their   close   circle.   he   had   expressed   his   wish   for   top   surgery   eventually,   but   his   savings   were   short   due   to   education   expenses.   foggy   and   elektra   created   a   special   fund   dedicated   to   paying   his   mastectomy.   they   had   a   plan   to   surprise   him   with   it   after   graduation.   elektra’s   leaving   caused   matt   to   spiral   down   to   one   of   his   worst   depressive   episodes   to   date,   though.   in   light   of   that,   foggy   revealed   the   bank   account   she   left   for   him.   

matt   used   part   of   the   money   to   pay   for   his   surgery,   which   occurred   during   summer   break   of   that   same   year.   recovery   was   difficult   because   matt   didn’t   stay   up   long   enough   for   the   drains   to   work   properly   and   the   swelling   to   recede.   the   incisions   infected   and   foggy   had   to   take   him   to   the   hospital.   he   had   pneumonia   and   early   stages   of   sepsis.   it   took   the   entire   span   of   summer   break   for   him   to   heal,   at   least   physically.   the   mental   and   emotional   hurts   would   take   some   more   time.

regarding   testosterone,   matt   took   intramuscular   injectable   hormones   for   fifteen   years   before   he   switched   to   pills.   it   is   not   necessary   after   this   long   on   HRT,   but   he   preferred   to   maintain   the   regimen   for   the   sake   of   routine.   he   stopped   the   hormones   for   good   in   2019,   during   recovery   of   his   second   truck   accident.   

on   long   term,   the   effects   of   hormone   therapy   and   surgeries   lessened   the   effects   of   gender   dysphoria   and   matt   could   finally   truly   feel   comfortable   in   his   body   in   a   way   he   never   has   prior   to   this   long   journey.   he   truly   feels   aligned   to   his   idea   of   masculinity   and   male   identity.   he   doesn’t   try   to   play   with   his   presentation   in   the   least   —   mike,   out   of   the   two   of   them,   has   always   been   on   the   loud   colors,   make   up   and   nails   side;   things   categorized   as   feminine   that   he   liked   to   explore   as   a   cis   gay   man.   matt   just   wants   people   to   look   at   him   and   see   a   competent   lawyer   and   a   man   who   knows   what   he   is   doing.   

that   can   be   attributed   to   matt’s   life   as   disabled   and   again   the   times   which   he   grew   up   in.   ironically   enough   (or   not),   as   daredevil   matt   is   loud   and   rebellious   in   all   the   ways   matthew   murdock   doesn’t   allow   himself   to   be.   it   will   be   some   time,   if   it   ever   comes,   until   matt   is   comfortable   with   some   self-exploration   regarding   more   feminine   presentation   and   stereotypes.   not   to   say   he   disapprove   trans   men   and   trans   masculine   individuals   doing   it,   it’s   just   not   his   cup   of   tea.   his   mirror   of   masculinity   has   always   been   his   father,   after   all.   that   is   the   model   of   man   he   grew   up   with   and   seeks   —   for   all   he   takes   to   imitating   his   brother.

how does your muse feel about not being cis or straight? are they content with it, proud, ashamed? would the situation be the same if the culture or surrounding support systems were different?  - - -  from   @devours .

matt’s   understanding   of   his   own   gender   and   presentation   would   surely   differ   had   he   not   received   the   support   he   did,   or   had   he   come   from   a   more   religious   and   conservative   background.   not   to   say   his   catholic   peers   approved   of   everything   ( as   exemplified   above   when   his   first   communion   was   mentioned ),   but   his   family   has   always   had   a   stronger   influence   on   him   than   religion.   as   it   is,   matthew   is   very   proud   of   his   labels,   even   in   secret   from   the   public   —   even   his   bisexuality,   yes.   matt   took   some   time   to   understand   that   his   attraction   to   men   was   indeed   that,   and   not   some   sort   of   gender   envy   or   desire   to   belong   in   male   spaces.   also   the   fact   his   childhood   ( and   adulthood )   perpetrators   had   mostly   all   been   male.   it   was   a   while,   and   a   tentative   relationship   with   frank   castle,   until   matt   felt   at   home   with   the   bisexual   label.   today   he   claims   it   with   the   same   pride   as   the   term   trans   man.

[   NSFW   CONTENT   AHEAD   ]

to   start   with,    matt   didn’t   learn   to   swim   as   a   young   child.     there   were   no   public   pools   in   hell’s   kitchen   during   that   time    —    the   neighborhood   completely   abandoned   to   crime,    with   little   to   no   effort   towards   actual   betterment   of   lives.     jack   rarely   took   his   children   further   away   from   those   streets,    too.     money   was   tight   as   it   was   without   needing   to   cross   the   island   of   manhattan   to   go   to   a   public   pool.     in   the   summer,   the   kids   would   reunite   in   the   park   and   it   always   ended   with   a   red   hydrant   broken   for   the   sake   of   cooling   off   from   the   high   temperatures.     as   a   result,    neither   of   the   murdock   twins    ever   encountered   a   body   of   water   big   enough   that   they   needed   to   swim   in.

time   passes    ( the   accident   happens )     AND   STICK   ENTERS   THE   SCENE,    coaxing   /   coaching   a   young,    angry   and   lost   matt   into   trusting   him    —    and   from   there,    the   old   man   started   training   him.     one   of   the   things,    beside   the   extensive   list   of   martial   arts   and   techniques,    a   member   of    THE   CHASTE    must   know   is   how   to   survive   in   the   water.     therefore   learning   how   to   swim   and   navigate   underwater   all   become   part   of   matt’s   training   in   the   years   between   meeting   his   sensei   and   the   start   of   his   undergraduation   ( 1987   —   1992 ).

KINDNESS   AND   RESPECT   WERE   NOT   PART   OF   THE   REPERTOIRE.     stick   was   a   rough   teacher,    but   he   gave   matt   something   no   one   ever   has,    especially   not   since   his   accident:     a   chance   to   prove   himself.     didn’t   mean   he   was   given   any   lenience,    word   of   approval   or   praise.     stick’s   methodology   has   always   consisted   of    FLY   OR   DIE     —    it   gave   matt   the   freedom   he   has   always   craved,    but   it   also   meant   he   was   beaten   purple   until   he   learned   to   strike   back,    and   then   he   got   beat   some   more.   ( “GOD,    I   HATED   THAT   OLD   MAN.     BUT   HE   TAUGHT   ME   WELL."    —    daredevil   vol.   3   no.   25 ).     OBVIOUSLY   THAT   LEARNING   HOW   TO   HANDLE   WATER   WAS   NO   DIFFERENT.

matt   learned   to   swim   quite   literally   being   thrown   into   the   water.     the   first   few   times   it   happened,    he   almost   drowned   and   kept   swallowing   chlorinated   water    ( it   always   got   in   his   clothes   and   on   his   hypersensitive   skin,   because   stick   never   let   him   prepare   any   kind   of   swimwear   in   advance.   needless   to   say   how   much   it   hurt   him   until   he   got   used   to   the   sensation ).     stick   would   punish   him   if   he   came   up   for   air   too   soon   or   tried   to   reach   for   the   edge.     he   had   his   legs   bound   with   weights   so   he   could   learn   to   free   himself   and   reach   back   to   the   surface.     once   matt    “GRADUATED”    from   the   invaded   private   pools,    stick   took   him   to    THE   HUDSON   RIVER    for   more   specialized   exercises   and   training.     the   polluted   water   hurt   his   skin   even   more   than   the   pools.   whenever   he   swallowed   any   water,    his   sensei   had   him   choke   down   broad   spectrum   antibiotics   for   two   or   three   days. 

BUT   MATT   LEARNED,    AND   HE   LEARNED   WELL.     it   saved   his   life   when   WILSON   FISK   had   him   tied   up   inside   a   taxi   cab   and   thrown   into   the   hudson.     matt   had   to   swim   back   to   the   coast   unseen,    while   sporting   several   life-threatening   injuries    ( daredevil   vol.   1   no.   228   &.   229 ).    this   is   only   one   of   the   many   times   stick's   brutal   train   regimen   served   its   purpose   well.

it   doesn't   mean,    though,    that    BEING   UNDERWATER    is   something    he   particularly   enjoys.     swimming   on   the   surface   is   fine,    but   submerging   his   body   cancels   out   his   perception   of   the   world.     smell   and   taste   are   useless,    hearing   is   a   confusing   puzzle    ( sound   travels   through   water   much   faster   than   it   does   air,   and   matt   usually   doesn't   have   the   time   to   acclimate   himself   to   the   new   situation )    and   his   radar   is   also   practically   inefective.   all   he   really   has   is   proprioception   —   knowing   where   his   body   is   in   relation   to   the   ocean   /   river   /   pool   floor   and   the   surface   through   differences   in   temperature   and   pressure.   matt   finds   himself   in   a   sensory   deprivation   tank   with   a   countdown,   essentially   cut   off   from   the   world   and   his   lungs   but   a   few   minutes   from   running   out   of   air. 

matt   counteracts   by   trying   to   find   things   that   can   guide   him   in   the   right   direction.     walls,    objects,    currents.     in   daredevil   vol.   5   no.   1,    he   hammers   his   billy   clubs   against   an   object   abandoned   in   the   river   so   he   could    “quieten”    the   water   and   find   an   estimated   direction   to   a   man   who   had   fallen   on   the   water.