definitely, maybe

Tumblr's block feature sucks.

Really, in life it all essentially boils down to security and self-preservation. And I guess lately, I've just realized how unsafe it really is, having people you can't rely on or being on a platform that does not allow your privacy. 

So I have only four weeks of education left before I graduate. Yeah, that's right. Sixteen years of formal education and it all boils down to these coming four weeks, after which I officially enter the working world and become a full-fledged "responsible adult".

There are times that I am insanely overwhelmed by that thought, but I guess I'm trying my best to remain level-headed and calm. Plus I must say that I'm looking forward to drawing a regular salary again. These past two years have sure been a lesson in money management.

Anyway, it's pretty much hell month from now until 17th February. I've got about five major assignments to complete in the next few weeks and I'm seriously not looking forward to it.

I had a long teary heart-to-heart with H just now about friends, and their propensity to come and go in our lives. I guess we've both lost people that we thought would always be there, and had friendships that we thought were solid crumble to pieces. 

You know, the other day I was sitting in class when it occurred to me that the most important things I learnt from my six years in school prior to university were lessons in life. I honestly don't recall the atomic structure of an element, or how to calculate relative velocity. I don't care about genomic science or root equations, and God forbid the day I recall any one of the hundreds of Peribahasa-s that I had to memorize. Yet I know vividly the gut-wrenching feeling of finding out that your "friend" had blabbed about your personal life, the disgust directed at people who spread lies and rumors without even knowing you, the filtering out of people around you until you keep only the ones most worthy. I learnt to close ranks, to put up defenses, to hide my vulnerability with a facade of charm and flippancy. Too many people have come and gone in my life, and over the years, I've learnt to not let it get to me. I learnt to detach myself and to soldier on, protected by a glossy sheen of indifference.

Of all the people I thought I was prepared to lose, I never thought it would be you. I guess H is right, you are the very last link to a difficult adolescent. We went through so much together, it seems impossible to succinctly sum it up. But hey, we all have to grow up one day and maybe H is right when he says that it's about time to let go of all that. For the record, I will always be happy for you.

When I was sixteen, there was a period of time when my life spun out of control. I was flunking school, I was aimless and depressed, and so damn lonely. I survived mainly on caffeine and self-harmed whenever I felt like I was going to drown in the sorrow.

This song was the only one that kept me from actually self-destructing. I'd spend long, exhausting nights sprawled on my bed, plugged to my iPod with this song on repeat and wondering how, with such a seemingly good future ahead (I was already RJ-bound at that time), I got into that state with nobody to turn to for help.

Somehow months down the road I managed to pick myself up and went on to make something out of myself, but I'll never forget the nights when I wished for a runaway train to take me away from all the pain.

I know it's the Twilight OST and I am really vehemently against the very idea of supporting anything from that franchise, but Christina Perri's A Thousand Years is really beautiful. 

And although Kirsten Stewart cannot emote to save her life and Bella looked constipated to see Edward standing at the altar, it was a pretty damn poignant moment, the whole going through thick & thin, hoping and wishing things will be alright in the end, and to finally get married to the love of your life.