Words Are The Tracks We Leave Behind

(you proved me wrong) (and i’m very glad you did) (i miss being able to see you)

i deleted my mood tracking app bc nothing ever changes and i have no space on my phone but boy oh boy would this bring the whole mood score dooown. i feel so awful. and it’s worse bc i have been feeling decent... even. hopeful. so the fall is further. harder. and the holidays are always awful for my mental health. haven’t been bad yet this year. but i’m a little worried where this might lead

i feel like my whole life has lead up to this

the passing of the new year just slipped by as if it meant nothing... it wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. i spent it with my best friend... but i feel empty... here’s to 2018

08/07/17 Beach front. Diving boards. And a WHOLE lot of East Of Eli.

08/05/17 Happy happy happy

07/31/17 There's a reason I've always struggled to keep journals. The second after I write something down, I don't feel that way anymore. I don't feel even feel as if I've ever felt that way. Everyone emotion I have is so fleeting. Nothing lasts. Nothing is mine.

07/31/17 Forever grateful for the people I spent the night with. Escape room. McDonalds. Animated storytelling. These are the nights worth living for.

07/31/17 Right brain. Left brain. Establish communication.

07/22/17 It's been a really long time since I've connected with anyone in a substantial way. I haven't had a real, honest conversation with some in I don't know how long. Nothing really makes sense inside of me. Most of the time I don't feel anything, and when I do it is so fleeting, and the second it's gone I can't even remember what it is. This makes me forget how bad it is. I feel so extremely guilty because a lot of the time I don't feel like I'm mentally ill or neurodivergent enough, which is absolutely ridiculous. When it hits it's like a wave and it's so overwhelming. But once it's gone....... did I even feel it at all? I want to die, but there's no substantial feelings behind it other than not wanting to be alive. I don't know why I feel this way, but I also know there's nothing in my life (spare my dogs) that encourages me to stick around. I cling so hard to anything that gives me any sort of feeling, but none of it means anything and none of it last. I feel like I have nothing. I don't have anyone. I feel so uncomfortable existing. And no one even knows. Normally I'd have people I could at least talk through the existential-shittiness with, but I don't have a single person I feel I can open up to. And even if I did, what is there to say?