finishing up on the road and quite enjoying it. i've been underlining my favorite passages and highlighting interesting repeat turns of phrase. sometimes all i can do is reflect on my own fear. fear is the enemy and i know it and god we all know it but we huddle up twitching, scared anyway. my friends are divided into different camps on my life choices and these are; yank the evil out by the root and burn it, keep openness in your heart as long as you are still self-centered in your gentleness and grace, and do whatever you want as long as you come out with all your appendages intact and a good fucking story to boot. the yank-the-evil-outers are often disappointed in me because i just don't do this. i can't even cut off my evil parents and still my friends are worried about the little boytoys i delete but don't block. there are worse evils! there are worse terrors! i get by somehow regardless! i think ultimately i am afraid of the new year because i feel like i haven't changed but i think even besides all the existential depression i am calmer and more still than i used to be. i worry all the time (fear is the enemy) that my life will never go anywhere and I'll never want anything but at the same time there is a muted faith that i will be okay. primate knowledge that bones break and still time heals.
today i have one anthropology final due that i started making good progress on at 8am and then went downstairs to make coffee and read and never picked back up on the assignment. c'est midi et demi maintenant et je dois continuer Ć Ć©tudier. mon franƧais est meilleur qu'avant! je continuĆ© Ć apprendre. here's the truth (ici, la vĆ©ritĆ©): i think the evil that needs to be pulled up at the roots is my life. i always think this. over and over i pull out my life, then get confused when nothing remains to come back to. but my home was built around someone who doesn't live here anymore. my schedule is a remnant of a different life. i like waking up with the dawn even if i can't do it very well. i like working in the mornings and resting in the evenings. i really want to be more engaged in school. i want to take more classes, try harder, care more. it frustrates me that i don't care as much as i'd like. about everything really! i wish i could care all the time about it all and try, barefaced, shamelessly, raw! i sit in bed and watch morning make its race to dusk every day, little clock ticking, pigtailed kid tugging on my hand, stomping, pushing it down, not caring. nothing to do. nothing to be done. nothing i want. nothing i could have. so much nothing and nowhere to go with it. i was traumatized and scared in my formative years so now, still, from the security of my big comfortable room in my warm and loving home, i feel everything collapsing and i always need to run. there is a drumbeat in my stomach that tells me it is time to go do not look back o pillar of salt o sodom o fiery gomorrah let the evil be ruined behind you do not miss your material things do not miss what you must only leave. i think i convince myself i'd have a better life if i got the hell out of dodge, over over over again, because i don't know how to restart with my feet planted. people know me and so i can't change. how silly is that? when was it that i wrote "i don't believe in the change of people who don't believe in change"? really life is endless and we are specks and thus we can do anything at any time at all. but it all feels so big and immovable when you're young and numb and tumblebrained and empty. here i lie in my bed day in day out, how could i do anything differently?
i have a loose plan. my semester next is planned out but after that i want to start exclusively working mornings, taking night classes. i think this might fix a lot of my problems. i don't go out anymore and even when i do it's not like my life needs to mold around fitting that in. i'm going to start exercising, i think. i need to exorcise fear from everything and what's the point of being a strong fast runaway if i'm weak and brittle from inactivity. it's so like a mid-december writer to say i'm going to go to the gym next year! but i want to. of course, and of course i always want to, but it's all about the wanting to. i'm saving up money to start traveling again. honestly i think a lot of my problems would disappear if i lived on a different schedule. evening jobs disorient me, mean i don't leave the house for the first twelve hours of my day. i need a life again. i can't go on like this, feeling like i'm not living this one. i have to start fucking trying. i have to care about anything. i don't know what i'm doing and i don't think I'll figure it out soon but i can't spend this time feeling like shit. anymore.
i think i am my greatest fear. i am so afraid that i'm just too lazy and unmotivated to make myself happy. i don't want that as my self-fulfilling prophecy anymore.
