I Want To Die

I’ve ruined everything remotely important to me. Everything.

I told my grade one teacher my mom suffocated me with a pillow and ended up in child services. It was true but now I lack any family connection. They are there but not apart of me.

I fucked up every friendship I’ve ever had. All those who I valued most.

I started secretly seeing my best friends enemy. She kicked me out. Cops were involved and it was messy. I fucked up.

I moved into a trap house thinking I’d be okay. I wasn’t. I fucked up.

I introduced my best friend to this guy who is addicted to heroin, and now they are addicted to heroin. I fucked up.

I controlled my ex and probably ruined them emotionally cause I was too psycho. I created lies cause I was hurt. Now they hate my guts. Understandable. I fucked up.

I took too much molly and almost ruined my entire life. I fucked up.

I got addicted to cocaine and spent too much money on it. I fucked up.

I tried to encourage communication to my bestfriend if I do anything wrong and they never did. Maybe I was that crazy and not confrontational at all. I don’t know. I fucked up.

I offered my friend a place to stay since their roommate moved away, and last minute I pulled out of the agreement. I was scared of everything. Now they refuse to talk to me. I fucked up.

After I ended the agreement I said some things I shouldn’t of. In result I lost an additional two friends from college. I fucked up.

I confronted a family member I valued and respected about financial issues they were having. I shouldn’t of said anything. They hate me. I fucked up.

I gave advice to a friend about their partner about their past. Thought some insight would help them understand better. They threw me under the bus and I reacted and was angry. Now they both hate me. I fucked up.

I lost my one person. My one goddamn person I’d give anything to talk to again. I talked to their ex and befriended them, understood them and related to them. Ultimately, they were okay with it and then they were not. No communication until it was too late. I was blocked. 10 years lost. I fucked up.

I create goals and want to be successful and travel the world. I’ve planned over five trips the last 6 years and bailed on each one. I fucked up.

I go to the gym for two months and stop randomly. I fucked up.

I am lazy. I don’t work hard enough. I should of studied harder in school. Taken everything more seriously. I fucked up.

I keep thinking about ways to vanish entirely. I think about my negative impact on those around me. It’s painful. I’ve hurt too many people to deserve any happiness. I’ve hurt myself. I’m hurting. I can’t fix what’s broken.