DECKFIGHT

Mila Kunis puts her hands in her pockets and fiddles around for change before pulling out an old tissue and wiping her nose with it.

Broom Broom the engines rev, the girls are hot wearing less than bikinis.

Paul Walker lOOks across to the Rival Car. The window is manually lowered.

‘So, this is it. This is the race where all bets are off, to whit...there can be only one winner, am I right?’ Paul Walker places his tongue between his teeth and bites down, his eyes bulging.

The rival racer looks over towards Paul Walker.

‘Maybe, maybe not. You are the legitimisation of the UGly TRuth that predicates all that is wrong with This Community. You race hard but you are a Narco, a Former Fed. You place racey cars as a Hobby not a True Art Form. You need to be pHased out in double quick time. And, yes, it is true, I am-’

Ludacris shouts ‘Let us do this’ and the cars whizz away, their engines growl like perturbed domestic shorthairs.

Time freezes, in both the movie and the movie theatr. The rival driver looks across and into Paul Walker’s eyes.

‘Now is not the time, now is not the place. Let him win, let the HATers think they’ve won, the Underground Race Community must feel a low before it is brouGHt back into the MajesTic State I believe, with a passion, it can Reach again.’

The rival driver puts his car into the Neutralised Gear and unfreezes time in both the movie and the movie theatr. He looks over to Paul Walker and smiles. Paul Walker mouths ‘thank you, but what is your name?’

1. IF YOU’D LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS MYSTERIOUS RACER AND THE FIRST MINUTE AND A HALF OF HIS ALLOTED TIME TO GET ACROSS... MIAMI? I THINK THIS IS MIAMI... THEN CONTINUE READING AFTER THIS SECTION, DOWN WHERE THE TEXT HEADING IS HEADED SECTION 3. TRUST ME, DESPITE THE FACT THAT I JUST SPENT A HUNDRED OR SO WORDS TALKING IT DOWN, IT’S STILL NARRATIVELYIMPORTANTANDINTERESTING.AND EVEN IF I’M LYING TO YOU, READING IS HEALTHY FOR YOUR BRAIN, SO GET INCENTIVISED.

2. IF YOU THINK YOU CAN MISS OUT ON THE INITIAL ATTENTION-GRABBING CAR CINEMATICS OF THIS NOVELISATION, SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE THIS IS A BOOK, SO THE CINEMATICS OF THE SCENE ARE HARD TO CONVEY AT BEST AND COME ACROSS AS CHEAP AND FLAT THROUGH WORDS AT WORST, PERHAPS YOU’D BE INTERESTED IN SUPPLEMENTARY “FUN FACT” INFO ABOUT THE REST OF THE MOVIE TO COME, WHICH WILL ALLOW YOU TO GAUGE HOW FAR YOU REALLY WANNA TAKE THIS “BOOK READING” THING FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS. IF SO, READ THE TEXT WITH A HEADING SECTION 1 AFTER THIS EXPLANATORY SECTION ENDS.

3. IF YOU, LIKE ME, ARE SUSPICIOUS AND CONFUSED AS TO HOW THIS MOVIE MANAGED TO PREDICT THE EXACT PLOT DETAILS OF THE CLASSIC VIDEOGAME “NEED FOR SPEED: UNDERCOVER” NEARLY FIVE YEARS IN ADVANCE, THEN PERHAPS WE CAN TAKE OUR SHORT TIME TOGETHER TO SHARE CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND MUTTER DARKLY ABOUT HOW THE GOVERNMENT AND HOLLYWOOD HAVE BEEN STEALING IDEAS FROM THE FUTURE, WHICH, THROUGH A COMPLEX PARADOX I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO EXPLAIN, IS WHY THE ONLY MOVIES IN THEATRES TODAY ARE SEQUELS. IF THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS ENTERTAINING OR EVEN SANE TO YOU, READ THE TEXT WITH THE HEADING SECTION 2.

1 ~~JUST THE FACTS: STRAIGHT TRUTHS THAT YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THIS MOVIE~~

Ludacris does all his own stunts, raps, and built all of his own cars for the movie. His real life is actually much closer to that of his character than anyone suspects. All of his lines in the film were just improvised things he would normally say in a situation like this.

One of the people in this movie had never driven a car before! READ THE BOOK AND SEE IF YOU CAN GUESS WHO. (Hint: they do a surprising amount of driving!)

It was written into Paul Walker’s contract that none of the cars he would have to drive would go faster than 88 miles per hour, because he believes the Back To The Future films are a three-part documentary, and that he might one day accidentally get sucked into the past. Any scenes where he had to go faster than 88mph were shot using an uncredited stunt double who many cast and crew on set described as, “Weirdly identical to Paul, but like, 15 years older, at least.”

That dude in the gold sweatpants in this opening race scene is named “Orange Julius”! Does he have radical street cred and a fondness for smoothies, or is this just really cool product placement? YOU BE THE JUDGE.

That technology the police use to stop the street racer cars with electricity later in the movie totally exists in real life, but the cops made everyone involved with the production promise to pretend it was just a movie prop, and that they had seen nothing.

There are parts of the movie that were put into the film backwards from how they were originally shot! The giveaway for this is when one of the people on-screen starts talking in that freaky backwards way.

~COOL COUNT: LOOSELY TALLIED FUN FACTS ABOUT THINGS THAT OCCUR A LOT IN THE FILM~

Number of times the word “bro” or “brah” or “breh” is said: like probably 160. If you notice at any point during your reading that nobody has said “breh” “brah” or “bro” in a couple minutes, consider sprinkling a few in the margins or some shit. That writer wasn’t paying attention when they did their scene.

Three of the cars in this movie don’t actually exist. You imagined the scenes they were in when you saw it in theatres - though when it comes to the part in the book where these imaginary cars don’t exist, you can feel free to envision them anyways. This is America. You can do whatever you want.

Number of bullets fired: None. This is a movie. No live ammunition was ever used on set. That would be crazy.

Number of times a car does impossible shit: So many. Oh man. At one point a windshield just... explodes, or some shit, like they’re waving a gun around and it starts to explode without any sort of reason, the gun isn’t even pointed at it, but bits explode out of it at random, like the car is angry at them for fighting. And cars jump over all KINDS of shit. Is that a thing cars can do, and I just don’t know about it? I was never able to do jumps and hops and stuff while riding my bike as a kid but everyone else I went to high school with knows how to do that. Maybe it’s the same with cars. Sometimes the cars even jump over each other. The number of car jumps alone probably deserves its own “cool count” fact paragraph, but this one is already way too long.

Number of crimes committed in the making of this movie: One. “Chrono-plagarism.” (CHECK SECTION 2 FOR MORE INFO) Number of cars in the film: Actually, only seven. I know, right? It’s crazy, but they just repainted the same seven cars for every different shot, and special technicians used crafting putty to bulk up the bumpers, add spoilers, etc. Which means that in total they used about 187 coats of paint, and the weight of about 32 cars in putty. It ended up being a lot more expensive than just renting more cars. The director was very embarrassed.

Number of times somebody flippantly tells somebody else to shut up?More than 30! I know, right? The people in this movie have a SERIOUS ATTITUDE PROBLEM. Talk about impolite! If you ask me, between this, all those rude as hell lies, and the swears these racers say to each other over the course of 103 minutes, they oughta call this movie 2 CRASS 2 SPURIOUS.

Oh, by the way, the number of swears in this movie: a TON. I’ve already used a handful of them just talking about it! Not safe for children, probably. Or babies. Especially babies. There is too much danger, excitement, and swears. If you are a baby, PUT THIS BOOK DOWN RIGHT NOW. You can come back to this when you’re older. Just mark your page with some drool or something, alright? Everyone else can keep reading. We just needed to make sure the children were safe first, because here’s one more bit of trivia for you: The children are our future.

2 SO YOU’VE REALIZED THEY’VE RUINED EVERYTHING, EVEN THIS: A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO BLAMING THE GOVERNMENT FOR LAZY SCREENWRITING USING TIME-TRAVEL CONSPIRACIES

Ahh, excellent. A kindred spirit, capable of seeing through the lies of the glittering world around us; untrusting of the government, the electrical transfer of sensitive information, and the all-pervasive complacency of every other helpless soul on the streets of whichever city you inhabit; a fellow anarchist fighting the good fight through complex media analysis.

You came here because in 2008, (or perhaps in an entirely unrelated incident) you picked up a copy of one of my favorite videogames, Need For Speed: Undercover (or any other videogame, or maybe a book, or watched a movie or something, I don’t know you) and recognized it immediately for what it was: a relic of a once-possible future where the ideas contained within had possessed originality. Flair. Life.

Now, it was only a sad trope. A copy of a copy. But then you opened your eyes, and you saw the world for what it really was: A place slowly being robbed of everything good, by its past - by the Hollywood of long ago, in collusion with a nefarious government project. The evidence is all around us. We’re on the 5th or 6th movie in innumerable franchises that so recently in our minds seemed fresh and exciting. We’ve rebooted multiple comic book series into movies, multiple times. They’re making films out of JRR Tolkien’s unfinished stories, now, and movies based on Bourne novels that Robert Ludlum didn’t even write. We live in a world devoid of ideas. Where did they all go?

Tell me this: Have you ever heard the expression, “Remember the 90s?”

And if you haven’t before now... well, do you?

Remember how awesome everything on TV was? The impossible variety of Sunday morning cartoons? The way TV execs seemed to take a chance on everything, and always come out on top? Remember Seinfeld, and Ren and Stimpy, and how many classic, original movies there were?

WRONG. EVERYTHING YOU REMEMBER ABOUT THE 90S IS A LIE.

The 90s sucked. They were awful and boring, and nothing happened. Cultural capital in America was at an all-time low. But in 2008, everything about the 80s, 90s, - and now - changed forever.

The year was 2008, and the final movie in the Star Wars series, The Return Of The Jedi, had just been released in theatres. Everyone was amazed. It was a masterpiece of modern sci-fi storytelling. True genius. Even the president loved it.

“How inspiring,” thought George Bush, the President of The United States. “If only there was a way we could have had these films, with their ubiquitous accessibility, and fantastical tales of morals and imagination... but in the 70s, when myself and every other current rich white person was young!”

And so operation “Hack-Lustre” was launched, designed to excise and transplant cultural capital of the wealthy and creative 2000s back to the years of dry, boring inactivity where nothing cool happened, in the past.

The initial “Star Wars” program, designed to copy the entire series of America’s favorite movies, was botched in its past-based receiving center, and the final three plots were the only scripts that made it through the pan-dimensional vortex back to 1972.

“We’ll sort it out later,” said Hollywood. “Just make four, five and six now, and we’ll extrapolate the first three from there.”

With that, the career of chrono-scientist and amateur filmmaker George Lucas - one of the leading figures behind the future reclamation project - was launched from anonymity to stardom. This was the first of many things that Hollywood’s future-based Idea Siphon would steal, and eventually ruin.

And in that moment, things in the world we know today began to crumble and fall to pieces.

The prequel series of Star Wars aired in 1999, but the scripts of what was initially an original block-buster sci-fi trifecta had been lost crossing the universal divide, and Lucas was forced to improvise. This was a glaring giveaway to discerning chrono-scholars, along with the three-year gaps between releases to milk the franchise as long as they could.

“It’s like he’s regressed to a child, wildly destroying the elegant creations of his early success,” critics at the time remarked. But what they couldn’t know is that George Lucas never wrote Star Wars.The man who actually had written Star Wars - not so long ago, in a universe far, far away - died penniless and alone, deprived of the future that had made him a brilliant auteur. Meanwhile, George Lucas was lost, terrified, and confused - just as the critics had suggested.

Still not convinced? Then think back, perhaps, to the abundance of creative television from your childhood. Now think about how everything today seems like junk, and all the good “classic” shows, like The Simpsons keep running long beyond the point where they should end. This is because the initial airing dated for the first episode of The Simpsons was moved 12 years into the past, rendering the show 12 seasons stale before it officially even began. We’ve got at least three more years of this junk before we’re caught up to the original cancellation of the show in Universe Prime.

WAKE UP, PEOPLE. The classics of the modern era are being stolen from us. What if tomorrow, we all remember Inception hitting theatres in 1990 instead of 2010? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE SPECIAL EFFECTS? CAN YOU IMAGINE WHICH SEQUEL NUMBER WE’D BE ON BY NOW? And there’s more: I swear Woody Allen used to be half the age he is now. I can’t prove it, but I think he’s one of the first human subjects to actually travel back. It explains why he’s been able to do double the number of movies of any normal director, and also why his wife is now roughly forty years his junior. We are losing the greatest ideas of our generation to our grandparents, and the holes in reality where these movies once were are replaced with a dim reflection of the cinematic gems they once were: endless hordes of sequels.

We don’t yet know what to do to stop it. But I hope after reading this, you can take solace in knowing that you’re not alone. We have to believe we can fight this. We have to break free of the cycle. We can quit repeating ourselves, making mocking copies of copies of copies. Go out there. Live. Contribute new ideas to the world, before we lose it forever.

But aside from all that, enjoy the rest of this Novelization of 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, the critically acclaimed second film in FAST AND FURIOUS series! Read on, stay focused, and remember to check the IMDB top 20 once a week, to make sure your favorites aren’t being stolen by government time-thieves.

3 ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE ACTUAL BIT ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON IN THE MOVIE RIGHT NOW

“You got four minutes, man.” “All right. I’ll be there.” Paul Walker threw down the phone and ran out of the room without even asking for directions. His character was the best racer on Earth, he would later argue with the continuity expert, and thus had an innate “race-dar” that would allow him to find any street race within a hundred miles, with pinpoint accuracy. If the continuity expert thought that was dumb, then perhaps a more personal examination of the scene’s plausibility was in order. Maybe the continuity expert ought to spend a few takes in Paul Walker’s trunk, getting to know the character better, Paul Walker suggested. The continuity expert politely backed down. Nobody else argued with Paul Walker’s character decisions after that first day of shooting.

Just like in prison. Act crazy on the first day and everybody leaves you alone, Paul Walker thought to himself as he raced across the city at deadly speed. He was not bothered by the apparent subconscious insinuation that he lived his life as if jailed by his glamorous career and everyone’s expectations of him. Maybe he didn’t realize he was doing that. Maybe being such a popular actor just did something to your brain. His handsome, talented muscles manipulated the controls of the car with a careless, handsome ease. Outside the vehicle, dozens of cameras panned around the green-screen podium where the vehicle sat motionless, capturing footage for CGI later. Paul Walker wondered what all of his other street- racer cohorts were doing with their extra four minutes, though in reality he knew that everyone was waiting in their trailers for the next scene to be shot, and not actually partying in expectant apprehension while he raced across town. Handsome, he thought, looking at his reflection in the rear-view mirror.

At the street race across town, sick jams were being pumped from speakers in a fancy car while people did cool breakdancing moves to the beat. You can find the song they were dancing to at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa7nrbZ11UU. Thanks, Mike C! The Internet is great.

Ludacris nodded, smiling as so many people danced and partied to a song he had made. He was proud of himself and all that he had achieved. Truly he was a man who had lived life to the fullest, he realized, catching sight of his afro in the gleaming reflection of one of the movie’s seven real cars. Ludacris experienced an immense feeling of personal satisfaction at this thought. It would be really great to be Ludacris, I think.

Hundreds of extras milled about and got rowdy to the sounds of Luda’s wicked track. They worked up an incredible amount of energy for a bunch of people who had been standing off to one side drinking bad coffee and muttering ten minutes ago. After this they would all go home. In a week or two, they would each receive a check for a few hundred dollars by mail. Later, when the movie hit theaters, every single one of these people would drag friends and family to see them onscreen in this one fleeting moment of dance parties, heated brawls and flirtatious filler dialogue. In a sense, this scene was the most important part of the movie for a lot of people. Some of them might have even walked out of the theater after this scene, having watched all that they needed to. Rest assured, hundreds of extras: your contributions do not go unrecognized by the rest of us.

Sadly, the moment was cut short. Paul Walker’s car slowly rolled on set, being pushed by a couple of key grips and a best boy who really had other important stuff they should have been doing at that time. Inside the vehicle, Paul Walker wiggled controls and revved the engine to make cool sounds. He figured there was no need to put the car in gear when he had all these people who loved him to push the car around.

The crowd parted before the rumbling vehicle like the Red Sea, which did very little to help Paul Walker’s messiah complex. Candid shots of people making confused and upset expressions at the sounds of his arrival would actually be used in the movie, and Devon Aoki’s heated mutter of “Shit, it’s Paul Walker,” would be later dubbed to whatever Paul Walker inevitably decided to name his character. It was in his contract that he be allowed to pick the name. Paul Walker felt this added a personal touch to every role he performed, as if he was christening each part as a child of his own.

The crew members who were pushing Paul Walker’s car collapsed, panting, as he rolled up to the starting line. Steam vented from weird parts of his car for no real reason. Soon the race would begin. Paul Walker got out of his car. He was worried about the window tint obstructing people’s view of his face, and also it was in the script.

//

BRAD KENNEDY WEBSITE: ??? (pls help)

The ground there is a girl

group of car. This is a

very sexy girl with

fight ladies of hell

waiting for someone like you:

someone lower than of all the people.

There is sexy air

hair and

people who use cars as chairs

people who have parties

the world has a collective boner.

World boner. Couscous machine car

comes. It is not a hot. Girl and his cloth skirt girl,

working for equivalent of man ass,

need for a cemetery of pleasure.

more new car people shiny

people. rampant sexism man.

talk of “babies”

And as mentioned above, they

are distinguished from unknown girl,

and they are sexy people

and “did not want to have a good effect.”

[consideration of cat shame]

2.

HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATION BETWEEN LUDACRIS /

THE FOURTH:

He make an announcement:

“Gee, to make sure that

that is the desert valley

of Spain… to maintain

the control of all that,

I want you to ruin me.”

[There is a hot standby.]

“Up in you?”

“Yes. With no vagina.”

“I lock the many children in Africa.”

“I give the best of our crazy.”

“I go sexual.”

“It is found creating inches.”

“Gee, it’s hot.”

“You are satisfied.”

[2 men, pants]

3.

“Why am I here in the world

like a bright ass pink mobile phone?

What machine, to call another room in the world?” - Ludacris

//

GET THE BOOK

You hear the sound of an engine revving; your mind turns the logo into the centre of a chrome hubcap and it spins into oblivion as you feel yourself tearing towards your destination; the adrenaline jumping in your veins.

The truck stops and your eyes snap open. Instantly alert, you jump to your feet, grab a traffic cone and join the others as  you play your part in the action; stamping the cone down onto the tarmac alongside the ‘Road Closed’ sign that grins its false truth out at passers by. With a clap of hands accompanied by someone’s whoop of joy, you jump back into the truck and the wait begins again.

This time you travel with your eyes wide open, savouring the scene around you. The roadside filled with souped-up cars; crowds of people waiting around, casting euphoria off their bodies as they anticipate what is coming, their hands grasping onto plastic cups filled with beer. The sound of their conversations deafens out the music and, as you reach your goal, it is all you hear alongside the sound of engines.

The truck stops. You jump to your feet and grab a cone, ready to slam it down against tarmac next to another ‘Road Closed’ lie. You do this and turn back to the truck. Your role is played and the scene cuts to:

A man with an afro and the ludicrous name of Tej Parker talks into his phone. ‘Yo, Jimmy man, gimme the status. Tell me we’re good.’

A voice murmurs a reply in the positive.

‘Beautiful. It’s gonna be an all-timer tonight.’ He snaps the  phone shut as he walks out of the door and addresses the crowd. ‘Alright, alright, alright. Fire them up.’ The assorted crowd cheers. ‘We go live in five. It’s time for ignition.’

Everyone continues to cheer and you join them. The energy rising off  you like strobe lights flickering across the sky, weaving their way through the crowd and across the tops of the revving cars. You close your eyes and watch the lights dance and slow, burning themselves into the name of this moment of your life’s film: 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.

//

GET THE BOOK HERE