Dear One Way Internet

I'm trying to understand if I'm only lying to myself or are things just a manifestation of my own insecurity that I am putting on my boyfriend, and I'm pinning it down to specific memories that trigger those.

For instance, let's say: I want to lose weight. To be specific, I want to lose my hanging belly fat. The only non-invasive way to do this is to totally lose body fat as a whole. I'm currently exercising (resistance training, doing 15k steps more or less with my dog on a daily basis) and I eat a pretty balanced meal. But I have suddenly hit a plateau and some hormonal issues (which I am getting addressed next week).

Put that note aside and commit to memory.

Here's another memory. I once confronted my boyfriend if he would still love me if I gain weight. He answered, very carefully this time and said ... "I think I would still love you, but I know honestly that maybe I won't be as attracted or it would be harder to feel attracted" and I get that. Most girls would probably be upset and say "NO, if HE REALLY LOVES YOU, HE WILL ACCEPT YOU NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE" and that is still true. And even if we spin it the other way around, I too would find it hard to be attracted to him if he ballooned and let himself go.

Put that note aside and commit to memory.

Part 3, after coming back from the holidays, I said I want to look good for February (we're going to his friend's wedding). These people know his ex and the competitive part of me ignited my insecurity. So now, i am doing extreme calorie deficit for two reasons: 1) I'm at a plateau about this weight loss and 2) a part of me wants to impress these people. I know that he wants to impress these people too, because other than his career he's honestly mentioned to me before that "i know it's shallow and I find you absolutely great as it is in everything, it's just I want that trophy girlfriend. Like no one can say anything about her. Like she's talented, smart, beautiful and sexy. Great body. And i know I could be flaky sometimes about working out or my diet but for 70-80% of it, I show up.

I have been good for like 4 days. Yesterday, I had to meet up with my friend who's come from Europe. She only comes every 2 years or so when she wishes, so I thought I'd go do some activity with her and perhaps skip dinner so I can stay on track of my diet. But obviously, that's not going to happen. So I told my boyfriend, that I will join dinner and I promised I would just eat meats. Well I, in fact did, with the exception of some bean curd skin, a little bit of meepok. BUT MOSTLY meat. I was sooo full. We reached home to have some wine and I have this nagging feeling of disappointment from him. Went to be bed as soon as they left and I asked him if he was mad at me. He said no. A part of me, or most of me doesn't believe that.

Put that note aside and commit to memory.

There was a time when we were still dating and he was mad at me for eating a hazelnut tart before dinner. Like just angry at the idea of indulging.

And that's why I think I don't believe that he's not mad at me. That I was undoing hard work that could've brought me closer to his dream. It disappoints him that I can't give him that, that I don't try. It sounds like I'm failing him.

The past few days, I've allowed myself to be more honest with him. I was planning on NOT telling him about me hanging out with my friends because he knows my friends know no limits. Or at least their limits go beyond mine. I suppose it's the same as him drinking with his friends. I don't like it when he comes home late, but I am understanding and I show him that. I guess I just want that same assurance so that I don't go thinking about so many things.

TL:DR; the person I was in a relationship with for 6 months whom I wrote an entry about below is actually a traitor and cheated on me. I found out somewhere around October.

Life update: Since then, met this guy in April 2023 and we've been together every since. Moved in some time in September due to very specific reasons I will not post here (or can't be bothered to). We have a nice beginning, a rough middle and now it's all going swimmingly.

---

But the reason I am here is because I wanted a place to process and document my feelings. I didn't feel safe having a diary around the house. I was too honest in it, it made me worried if anyone spotted it.

(Side note: my mom read my diary before when I was in high school which had a lot of animosity towards her, well naturally ... and well, she was mad but that was about it. Now that I think about it, she didn't really take anything to heart).

----

Before I told him I loved him, I was unsure. But at that time, I said it because I know it would make him happy if I told him that I loved him back. Is that then love? To find comfort that it would make them happy even though you are unsure of how you’re feeling? Is love synonymous to care? How are they nuanced?

Weeks passed I became more comfortable with what I was feeling. I care. I lust.

There was also a period when I started to think about what was next for us. And I searched the internet for guidance but nothing was so unique to what we have. I do feel the love stronger when we are together, after that I feel that love marred by all his troubles. He’s thinking about himself, his sanity, his kid, his assets, and his responsibility to my emotions and in that state, sometimes I feel that he might just want to run away. I feel bad when I pester him to understand if he truly loves me. I should find comfort knowing that he does and just know that’s buried with so much more.

If I step back and try to be a beacon for us (at least for a while), is it worth all my troubles? I will feel neglected at times and I would need to talk myself into snapping out of a downward spiral. And do I have the mental capacity to always be the strong one?

What is with him? Why do I say he means so much to me? When asked what do I love about him? I just don’t know. Is it more like I treasure this feeling of being loved or special for a change? Is it because he’s the best sex I’ve ever had and I didn’t want to let go of that? Or is it because I don’t want him to find somebody better than me because that would hurt my feelings? I have overlooked a lot of things I said I would never entertain, like smokers or divorcees, or single parents. But I did for him, why?

Maybe I was generally curious about what a relationship was going to be like and I felt closer than I’d ever been. Give me this feeling, I’m so close! But I heard that these don’t last and that could be worrying and problem for another day. So I have to understand, why I’m with him. I don’t even have the nerve to introduce him to my friends.

I have just gotten back from our trip in Paris. Prior to that, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it because it’s been 2 long years since I ventured out more than 200km out from my where I live. And not only was I travelling finally since COVID (greatly worried about things I may miss out in terms of requirements), but it was my first time to travel to Europe since I used to live there. I was watching a lot of YouTube videos about things to watch out for when you’re in Paris, and they weren’t good. But I guess what I was also trying to do (or what I told myself I did it for) was the opposite of anticipation. To be as unexcited as possible so that I do not underwhelm myself when the trip is finally happening.

But is that a good thing? Why do I do this? I know.

I have recently been in love. One that included the other party to also confess their emotions. But we haven’t seen each other for a week or so and I terribly miss him. The kind that makes me cry on a daily basis. But let’s back track.

My mom has been staying with me for the past few days (well she planned to stay for a month.) Now for some people, this is a good thing considering COVID came and separated us for two years. But this isn’t for me! I feel like COVID was the best thing to happen for me and my family, to be connected from a distance. Because I honestly cannot stand my mom and we have completely different values. On top of that, I can’t stand that she’s fully dependent on me and not doing anything to help herself. And it’s a quality that I absolutely abhor. This whole month was really a test of my patience. On top of that, my Godma decided to spontaneously self-invite herself on the last week of her holiday. This was without any consideration to me. And expect me to just drop everything to organise everything for them.

Now I know what you’re thinking, this has nothing to do with him. But since last week, I have been looking for an opportunity to just catch up. You know we don’t even need to meet. Just a casual chat. But he just seems to be never available. Then pair that with the heightened stress of my current situation at home. My days feel so long. I am trying to be understanding. I also don’t want to think about anything. And I am tired. I cried every night coz I don’t know why I feel soooo alone.

Maybe he is trying to keep very busy to NOT be needy. Why are we torturing ourselves? Maybe he’s really not into this as much as I am. I mean, he doesn’t seem to be excited or comfortable to share anything to me. Nor does he seem to counter-propose another opportunity to chat. Maybe he just likes the game. Maybe I gave in to easily. Are we already dying?

Today was one of those days where I just felt satisfied.

Scratch that, maybe content is the right word.

Scratch that.

Today, was the day I think that I finally made peace. That this is it.

That I was fixed, everything else to entertain my feelings would be a waste of anybody’s time. Because it’s just a repeat. Come back and try again.

I was alone in this apathetic mood. I was narrating my life to myself, like somebody was watching. It might also be because of all the living alone diaries that I have been watching. I don’t why I’m suckered into the whole thing. But anyway, today I pretended that I was going on a date and that I was getting ready. And I talked about this routine for dates so that I don’t have to think so much about everything else. The standard preparation, make-up, lingerie and the sweetheart dress. All the effort to look sweet and proper so that I can hide what a terrible person I am. And sure I spoke about my many accomplishments and all the words that looked good on paper in front of the mirror, and I acknowledged that I still felt inadequate. Because I’m terrible and I don’t deserve anything. Nothing about me is kind. I’m selfish. It’s just not in my nature to help or care about people. And after that monologue, I pretended that in my vlog … I decided to stay in bed. And that’s why my interpersonal relationships don’t amount to anything.

In my recent crusade to find someone who can tolerate me, it didn’t take them too long before they started asking for more. After a while, I just couldn’t tolerate them anymore. I am impatient and bored. I have been independent for most of my life and I’m not going to let anyone change me. Some may find that the ultimate measurement of success is going home to someone, or something. I think it’s more of a “good-to-have”, we’ll add it in the backlog. For now, I’m focusing on me, me, me. I’m a lifelong project. Having said that, I will probably die before this project is complete. And so yeah, this is it.

And being myself is a terrible thing. I’m a shitty person. It’s in my name. And the only guilt I feel is allowing someone to experience what terrible things I bring, and so I will spare them that. Leave this piece of shit alone.

Signing off.

I had a weak moment. Same as last week. But to be honest, I might’ve just been wallowing in self-pity. But why? I think I was lost, like I couldn’t figure out why was I so sad. But I guess we all have our times and I really wanted to just be in the presence of other people to either a) distract me or b) listen to me.

I was considering booking an ad-hoc session with my therapist and was wondering if I’ve become too dependent. But I thought tonight, maybe I’d give my friends a go. Because normally, you’d have friends to help you get through occasional turmoils, like you know ... a support system? The only problem is, I always feel that I’m wasting their time. And I don’t ever feel that way when talking to a therapist because well, it’s a win for them too. We both benefit.

It’s also catching on to me that I keep saying “My therapist said” ... but that’s because I’ve only ever really confidently shared my problems with her instead of sharing them with my friends.

Also, another reason why I think I’m wasting my friends’ time when I’m asking a moment of spotlight is because I don’t feel that I’m able to give them what they deserve in a genuine manner. Like I don’t know how to care for you unless I feel something. And most of the time, I don’t. And it worries me, so I try to make it up through gestures I think they expect me to do. I would like to avoid conflict. But mostly because I don’t want to be forgotten. And at this rate, I haven’t made a single impact and my existence never mattered.

This probably explains why I tear up when scenes in movies like when Coco’s father was fading away or when the childhood imaginary friend in InsideOut was fading away. Because I can relate so much, that is me.

Before my therapist, I would bunch up in a ball and deal with my thoughts all by myself. Implode. No friend to vent to, to seek advice from and just wish myself a painless death. Until the day I realised that my soul could survive and I would have to deal with myself for all eternity. Because that’s it! When you’re dead, there is no more distraction.

My therapist found another weak spot in me and forced me suddenly tear up halfway as I was talking about myself. But it’s hard to be all reflective now as I’m multitasking; writing down this entry to think about my homework and also watching Rupaul’s new episode.

One thing is that, I’m having this weird feeling of anxiety of what storm my mom is cooking up. It’s really terrifying me. Last week she just attacked my friend just because she didn’t get what she wants. I don’t know why suddenly my mom scares me, and I weirdly feel at her mercy. Like I just want to surrender, and cry and say ... “JUST DO IT, JUST PUNISH ME!” it’s better than all this emotional torture. I feel like that kid who was running away from my mom when she’s about to hit me. It’s stressing me so bad I had a dream about it. And all this time, I have been avoiding discussing my mom in therapy because I thought I was in a place that I didn’t want to touch. I was satisfied with just a weekly chat to avoid any conflict. But eventually, I find it hard to maintain. I find that talking to my mom is draining, and my mom really wants to be more in my life, but I just don’t wanna.

Anyway, what I came here to do is to write down all those moments that I’ve avoided things and what were the pros and cons of each and ALSO to perhaps rethink what are my values in my life. I just thought about it today:

1. I want to be free. That means no debt, no mortgage, no responsibilities. Not to be at the mercy of anything. To be able to make decisions without consequences, and if any that I would only be able to think of myself and nobody else. And to be free of insecurities.

2. I want to love and be loved. And I mean, to have a partner in life. People just assume that I have been so independent for so long, it must be what I want. Being independent is my specialty or that I am happy. We are plagued with this expectation to be strong, that we don’t need love because they think we love ourselves enough. That could not be any farther from the truth. I’m just keeping up with appearances. I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO LOOOVE MEEEE lololol

I just came back from a fun evening with friends. Then for some reason, I reached home and felt utterly defeated. Like this random cloud just went over me and made me feel such sadness, like I just suddenly felt unworthy and inadequate. Like I'm forcing myself to be happy about myself even though in that moment in time, I felt rocks, tomatoes, fish thrown at me and I pretended that it's all alright. That it's all a joke. That I'm all okay.

You don't know the shit that runs through my head to convince myself that I should be laughing. This heavy feeling down my throat, to my chest, to the pit of my stomach.

I was thinking about how much I've changed since I sought therapy. How I am a lot less affected now by things that used to bother me. I was able to see my life through the lens of others and really see how lucky I am. And I feel happy. I don't feel the guilt of discontent anymore.

I am also a lot more open now about how therapy has helped me be better. I was thinking about the time I refrained from telling people how lonely I felt. How I went to bed every night in tears. How I felt that I needed validation for the feelings I was having. Because I was one with high standards, who saw weakness in emotions, and I applied it to myself until I imploded. I was denying myself my feelings. I was telling myself that I was weak. I was very disappointed at myself for caving in. I made everything my responsibility, that all that's happening to me is all my fault. Own up to it, don't fucking cry, you did this.

And maybe that's why I couldn't reach out to people. I don't deserve it. I was told that I might need help. But I was also too scared the therapist will judge me. That my concerns were not valid. That I am just wanting attention, that what I'm feeling is an exaggeration. I decided that I was going to see if what I have is enough to warrant a piece of their time. I was even thinking that for somebody who was paying for their service, I felt like I was going to waste their time.

I felt trapped because I had so much feelings and I didn't know what to do with them. And that it's not a reason to seek help.

But anyhoo, I was dreaming about how I can resolve my VPN issues with work. And I had an idea, and after a while it failed. My only hope now is to make my way to the office and go to the pitstop on the 9th floor and get the IT guys to sort it out for me.