The weight on my ...
I'm trying to understand if I'm only lying to myself or are things just a manifestation of my own insecurity that I am putting on my boyfriend, and I'm pinning it down to specific memories that trigger those.
For instance, let's say: I want to lose weight. To be specific, I want to lose my hanging belly fat. The only non-invasive way to do this is to totally lose body fat as a whole. I'm currently exercising (resistance training, doing 15k steps more or less with my dog on a daily basis) and I eat a pretty balanced meal. But I have suddenly hit a plateau and some hormonal issues (which I am getting addressed next week).
Put that note aside and commit to memory.
Here's another memory. I once confronted my boyfriend if he would still love me if I gain weight. He answered, very carefully this time and said ... "I think I would still love you, but I know honestly that maybe I won't be as attracted or it would be harder to feel attracted" and I get that. Most girls would probably be upset and say "NO, if HE REALLY LOVES YOU, HE WILL ACCEPT YOU NO MATTER WHAT SIZE YOU ARE" and that is still true. And even if we spin it the other way around, I too would find it hard to be attracted to him if he ballooned and let himself go.
Put that note aside and commit to memory.
Part 3, after coming back from the holidays, I said I want to look good for February (we're going to his friend's wedding). These people know his ex and the competitive part of me ignited my insecurity. So now, i am doing extreme calorie deficit for two reasons: 1) I'm at a plateau about this weight loss and 2) a part of me wants to impress these people. I know that he wants to impress these people too, because other than his career he's honestly mentioned to me before that "i know it's shallow and I find you absolutely great as it is in everything, it's just I want that trophy girlfriend. Like no one can say anything about her. Like she's talented, smart, beautiful and sexy. Great body. And i know I could be flaky sometimes about working out or my diet but for 70-80% of it, I show up.
I have been good for like 4 days. Yesterday, I had to meet up with my friend who's come from Europe. She only comes every 2 years or so when she wishes, so I thought I'd go do some activity with her and perhaps skip dinner so I can stay on track of my diet. But obviously, that's not going to happen. So I told my boyfriend, that I will join dinner and I promised I would just eat meats. Well I, in fact did, with the exception of some bean curd skin, a little bit of meepok. BUT MOSTLY meat. I was sooo full. We reached home to have some wine and I have this nagging feeling of disappointment from him. Went to be bed as soon as they left and I asked him if he was mad at me. He said no. A part of me, or most of me doesn't believe that.
Put that note aside and commit to memory.
There was a time when we were still dating and he was mad at me for eating a hazelnut tart before dinner. Like just angry at the idea of indulging.
And that's why I think I don't believe that he's not mad at me. That I was undoing hard work that could've brought me closer to his dream. It disappoints him that I can't give him that, that I don't try. It sounds like I'm failing him.
The past few days, I've allowed myself to be more honest with him. I was planning on NOT telling him about me hanging out with my friends because he knows my friends know no limits. Or at least their limits go beyond mine. I suppose it's the same as him drinking with his friends. I don't like it when he comes home late, but I am understanding and I show him that. I guess I just want that same assurance so that I don't go thinking about so many things.
Because if not, i will go down harder on myself. I see it as punishment. I start going back at it again like "I didn't want this" or that "i don't have to suffer like this, I'm a good person" or that "why do I have to change myself, I was like this when he met me". But I suppose, it's not about that isn't it. Why I'm on a diet or that I have to suffer, I blame it on him. I guess when you cut out a certain portion of my meal, it cuts out all the fun I have with my friends. It cuts out a significant portion of what brings me joy. And then I blame him and I cry.
















