Dear Self ... Why can't you remember who you are?
Well today it is myself I am disappointed in. After so many damn times you think I would learn, you would think that I would see the red flags and run!! Why do I continuously let people break me down, why do the ones we love the most always end up being our nemesis and yet at the same time our kryptonite? You know I am a pretty strong woman even on the worst of days. I was out on my own at 15, I got pregnant at 16 raising her on my own by 17, survived an alcohol addiction at 18, still managed to finish high school. I survived not one but two horrible abusive relationships, went to college and now I work full time as a PSW, I am constantly trying to help those in need always trying to put greatness into the world... never acting selfish... so why, why cant I just have one day where I get some good news... or heck, I would just take a day without getting bad news.
Now at 33, 34 in just a couple of weeks.. I have two children that I am raising on my own. Sort of. My oldest child, a 16 year old trans woman - who has given me a run for my money her entire teenaged life, in and out of trouble with the police, fighting, she also has Asperger's and gender dysphoria, and then and my youngest who is my 4 year old son who is an angel but a handful, I am stuck co-parenting with my abuser, but he is a good dad so apparently that is just the way that goes. I try not complain because my little one loves his daddy very much. Where as my first borns father has never been in the picture and I seen how damaging that was for her.
As I work & parent full time, I am also trying to do some upgrading online so that I can hopefully, eventually go to Nursing School, and taking an online course for esthetics so that I may be able to make a little money on the side to help pay for Nursing School. I am constantly just trying to better my life so that I have something that I can leave for my children when my time here is up.
I have officially lost count of all the times I have had to start over and then when I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.. poooof! Back to square one. I either get distracted with something or someone, or some seriously crazy shit happens and I have to do damage control, or someone gets sick. It extremely hard to stay motivated these days. Im drowning and it feels like I just cant fight anymore. But I still wake up every day and keep trying.. but when is enough enough??
9 months ago I met someone - after over a year of talking online. We had so many mutual friends and what not we both thought it was insane that we had never met before. And I had to fight hard to get this guy to even spend time with me. I could tell he had been hurt and he struggled with his own insecurities, but I still tried, something about him was intriguing. Well we ended up hitting it off... except he "wasnt ready to date" and well in the beginning after 3 years of being single I wasn't sure I was ready either so I thought "this is perfect, finally someone on the same page as me... take it slow." WELLL, we spent every single day together for basically 6 of those 8 months together. He pulled me out of a pretty dark place and out of my shell. He seemed perfect! He cooked dinner for me, ran me beautiful candle lit baths with flowers in them, he took me to watch sunsets, and we chased waterfalls and went on all sorts of adventures. He did however have his dark side, a gambling problem and some anger issues. Some nights I would go over and he had placed some sports bets and when he lost he would tell me I was bad luck.!! That was hard for me after the previous abuse I endured. And any time we got into an argument he would say things like "I would never date you" when other days when things were good he would say "If I was ready to date, you would be my first choice." So there was a lot of mixed signals that I tried to look past because well at this point I have clearly already fallen for him.
Well recently we have had a falling out, I cant be certain as to why because if there is one thing I do know he is not being honest with me. And sure we are not and were never dating ... but respect and honesty are huge even in a friendship and I have always been real and honest with him so I am so confused as to why I don't deserve the same. I am certain he has met someone new and just does not want to tell me. He wont hang out with me unless it benefits him and apparently as long as we do not go to his place anymore. He says he is just doing him, but I know him well and I know when he is not being truthful.
So WHY? Why does it hurt so much, why can I not walk away? I already know how this goes. I've felt this pain before. So why do I keep doing this? I am so disappointed in myself today!
Sincerely,
Sad
