journal entries

my concept of love has been demolished by those who couldn’t do it in the past, that i doubt myself more and more. will i ever experience love without condition, without reason? will i ever experience being loved the way i love? will i ever be hard to leave? or will i go through my entire life being easy to leave and hard to love? what if no one stays? what will i do then? just once i want to be so incredibly important to someone that i can 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 it. i want to be someone’s first choice. i want someone to look for me in a crowd of people. i just want someone to 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦. i’m tired of being alone. i’m ready to love. i’m ready to feel loved. i think i’ve always desired it, always craved it 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩. honestly i just want a hug. i want a hug from someone who loves me. i just want to feel like i’m not as horrible as i think i am.

but what if i can’t? what then? what if i give up? what happens then? what if i can’t keep going? what if i can’t keep “hanging in there?” tell me, what on earth do i do then? i don’t think i can continue on like this. everything hurts too much. they always have an answer, but what can they say then? am i still worthy of care? am i still worthy of attention, of love? what if i lose this battle? what if i give up? please tell me what happens then? can i bear it? can the world bear it?

i want to stop being plagued by worry and anxiety and memories and fear I WANT TO LET GO!!! this world is so wide and so vast i have so much to do, so much to see, i’m overwhelmed with experiences i have yet to have. i want to make memories with people i love and forget the painful times of my past. i want to be confident enough of myself to forgive those who hurt me and those who have yet to. i want to stop existing and start LIVING. i want to be so incredibly in love with being alive that i never return to my self destructive ways. i want to be kind. so incredibly kind that it radiates off of me and inspires people to be their best selves. i want to mean something to someone. I WANT TO MEAN SOMETHING TO MYSELF! I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF! I AM SO YOUNG AND I HAVE SO MUCH TIME! I CAN LEARN TO LIVE!!!!!