Dear Diary, I

I was dead

Breathing by machines

Living in my mind, body in a coma

Dreamin’ alive with living

Not only survive

Touching myself

Searching for a sensation

Rough. Delicate. Numb

Heart racing, breathing heavily, fingers trembling

Oh oh oh

Eyes locking with yours

Heart beating in rhyme?

I don’t know, I don’t fucking care

Just care if your hands are still

Working like a defibrillator

And taking me from my coma

Keep touch me

Rough, slow

Sweet but starving

Make me feel alive

By your eyes

By your lips

By your hands climbing between

My legs

I used feel numb

Searching for adrenaline

Living only in my mind

Too locked to live in the real world

Surviving between the chaos

Touch me

Make me feel alive

Rough and sweet

Fast and slow

Touch me

Until I come alive

Looking in the mirror

I scream

Wake up

You awake up and smiled, the sun is shining and you feel that the day will be amazing. You awake up and think: “Today is my birthday, today all my friends will sending me a message!”.

During the rest of the day you check your phone hourly, minute by minute, second by second ... But almost no messages arrive.

Then a message arrives and you are happy, but then none arrives for a long time. None of your best friends congratulate you and you are forced to hold back crying because you don't want your family to see you sad on your birthday.

Almost at the end of the day, one of your three best friends writes a cute text for you and posts it on Instagram. You smile, she feels uplifted for a moment until she remembers that she was the only one who remembered her birthday.

She was the only one of the only people you wanted to remember her day and you. And again you hold the cry.

So it's already night, almost time to sleep and receive a message from a known person congratulating you, again you smile until you remember that she only remembered because she saw your stories on instagram.

When you lay your head on the pillow and your house becomes silent, that's when you cry. You cry because nobody remembered you, you cry because on her birthday you didn’t feel wuerida and you didn’t feel special in any way...

Do you know that girl who is kind with everyone? Tha girl who everybody knows her name? That girl who everyone wanna be? 

That girl is not me. 

I´m wish be her, but I don´t. When I was a kid I was that girl, but when I grew up I changed.

Now I’m that girl who nobody knows o see. That girl who don’t speak never, even when she gotta a question. I’ m the girl who start to cry out of nowhere, cause she got a panic attack thinking that it is not enough. I am afraid to come home and make some shit that will make me go cry at the bathroom. That girl who needs some love, even if this is wrong. 

Even more that I try I never will be good enough. I not perfect enough for you. But nobody is perfect. I think that you forgive this but don’t matter.

I know this and haven’t I guess that I never will be good ir perfect enough to live, love or be loved for the others, I can try and is this what I’m doing, trying be good enough.

I'm sitting on my throne

Living in the garden of evil

  Screwed up, scared.

Doing anything that I needed

Shine bright like a diamond, show what you’re capable of. Show them. Show them that everything they told you is wrong. Show them your scars, show that your wounds heal and that your pain has turned into happiness, show them that you have forgotten everything. Forgive them 'cause all they did was out of fear, out of fear of the strong and smart girl that you are. Forgive them the laughter and the tapas that made you suffer so much, forgive them. Show them that you are a good person, just how different from them you are. Show me that you have learned to be truly happy, show me that all my advice has not been thrown to the winds, show me that all your tears have turned into smiles, all your prayers have been listened to and rewarded. Now all your pain and loneliness have stopped visiting you every night, now you can sleep every day. Now you are a strong and self-assured girl, who knows what she wants and knows she will be able to, never let people treat you like it's nothing.