Dear Alyssa,

Grief is strange. You don’t realize it at first. You just are rooted in the pain. But as time some how moves forward you are reminded in small and large ways how strange it is.

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Mentally and physically it’s like my body is sensing November is near. I can feel the grief and the pain navigate into parts of myself that I try to keep grief free. Which is impossible. I’m learning more and more that I’m allowed to be sad or feel grief throughout the year. Not save it all for November and July. Again, grief is weird.

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It's been a long while since I've written. I'm sorry about that. Not that I haven't thought of you, and the world without your energy in it. So much has happened, that I know you see from your perfect spot, perched somewhere high up, taking in all the golden light.

It's not the same of course. The wanting of you here on the earth plane, the seeing what I'm doing, who I'm becoming, being able to meet wildflower, meet me for coffee, a facetime. It's still so strange that you will not appear somewhere saying hey, sorry I'm late. And it's even more strange that we are coming up on 12 years gone. That seems too long and then at the same time too short? Time is weird and it continues to remind me. No matter how far we are from this time in 2011, I still have the urge that I can outrun it.

Strong minded girls. The two of us. I just want you to know how much I miss you. How much I love you. How I wish you could be here, and I could be shopping for Christmas gifts or sending each other funny memes.

10 years. 10 years of memories lost, new ideas found, and a hole in my heart that will never quite be full. So much has happened in this significant chunk of time. Some big things (hey I live in a new state and have a baby that's named after you), and some small things (I like spicier foods now). But all these moments hold significant weight in my mind and in my soul. When you died, so much was taken from me. The naiveness I had for the world, the dreams I thought we would build together, the bond that only sisters can have. It evaporated so quickly I spent many of those first few years of you being gone in a dense fog. Trying to find any parcel of you, of myself, of the life that I thought I would have. But it was all gone. Just like you. And a new path was thrown in front of me. One I didn't want. The unfairness of it all coated all over me. And I spent the first five years of this loss engulfed in denial, depression and anger. Sitting at the start of this grief path, refusing to deal, to heal or to take one step forward. I then finally found myself in my therapist's office and she asked, what brought me here? I told her that my sister died and it has really fucked up my life and I needed help to not be succumb to the depression and the anger. And since then, I have begun the walk down this new path of life. Begrudgingly at times, five steps forward and then two steps back, through tears and screaming I have continued forward. Simply because I know it's what you would want of me. It's what you would demand actually. And I can't let you down. No matter how hard this is, how empty I can feel at times. I must continue on. Leaning on friends and family for support I'm able to do it. Truly. I'm so very grateful to those who continue to carry Alyssa's spirit and legacy on in their own lives. Whether it's asking me about her, listening to me when I'm in a low grief wave, taking rocks with you places and everything in between. I know my sister would be happy to know I have such good people in my life.

Dear Alyssa,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written you a letter like this. It lately has seemed you have been pushed to a small corner of my heart and mind and flare up in the most magical of moments. It’s your birthday today. You already know. Thirty. It seems almost unbelievable to say out loud. This is your thirtiest birthday and you are out there in the specks of sunlight, I hope you are celebrating in the utmost fashion. Laughing, tripping over your own two feet, smoking a joint, eating frosting out of the jar. Very Alyssa things. If you knew her, count yourself extremely lucky for many weren’t let in and she truly was the kindest and sweetest soul. 

It’s hard you aren’t here sis. Truly this week has been one of the hardest emotionally for me in a long while. I guess big milestones like this are. I feel you are around but you missing out on Alice here on this earth makes that crack in my heart just a bit deeper. You would love her and she would be obsessed with you too. I make sure to show her your pictures and she will know all about you and your escapades. Not knowing the directions to our own house, or being drunk on my kitchen floor in NYC eating all the mini cupcakes laughing until our sides hurt and everything in between. 

Birthdays are a lot about reflection and wishes and hopes and dreams. I hope that you know that our love has continued to grow, that no time our space or dimension can stop it. I continue to reflect on our memories and time together and try to lean into gratefulness of it all, even in the darkness and sadness. I wish for you to continue to show me signs and visit me in my dreams. When you’re not too busy hanging out with Bob Marley or Kurt Cobain. 

time doesn’t seem real when I read that sentence back. being in quarantine for most of 2020 and having time to reflect on lots of things transports me back to that first year. The first year when it was painful to get out of bed or brush my teeth. That first year were a dark cloud of anger, grief, sadness and suicidal thoughts followed me around on a daily basis. Each day tempting me to succumb to the darkness but I fought. I fought to get out of that dark place. I fought to put one step in front of the other. I fought to build a life that you would be proud of.

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