dear eleonor

after all these days

words

and

the shiftings of green in a leaf

and

the allure of a meaningless story

that still says everything

and

the tension of the in between

and

that is the place where we meet

safe

but I have to be here

right here

right now

with my grief and pain

with everything that hurts

I want to laugh with you

I want it so very much

but for now

I'm grieving

and it hurts

so very much

so very much

I have an ocean in my chest

of tears

uncried

unwitnessed

this ocean

has grown for 25 years

unspoken of

in secret

in silence

and now it's surface

has grown

so close

let me lie here

hold my hand

let me hear your

heartbeat

warm

and

let me lower my body

into you

slowly

let me feel the boundaries of my body

dissolve

let me become a part of you

for a moment

and be briefly swallowed

by your

immense

I have so much of it

I just need

to

ask myself

what kind of strength

it is

and what it is worth

without

here we go again

oh well

this to shall pass

this to

is a part of me

it is

just

I watch my every step

I'll never be whole

in the eyes

of them

my guardians

I'll never be strong

be brave

be beautiful

I'll never be enough

I wish

to one day become

strong enough

not to be affected

but for now

I need to

distance myself

from them

you know

my dear

when someone treats you like you're broken long enough

you break

But I

I wish to be whole

in all the ways I can

I wish to be brave

I know I'm brave

I wish to live

knowing

mold

the earth

creases

crevasses

cavities

beautiful

shapes

years

of rainfall

ocean mist

salt

wet kisses

run

smooth lines

across my forehead

under my eyes

around my mouth

new forms

new ways to

wildfires

in me

roaring

ROARING

I want you

so much

it's just

that these woods have little water

few lakes and tarns

few rivers

to control

the fire

and I get scared

and then

I need to rest

for a moment