Deans Story

so yesterday i was supposed to have the talk with ls, and it never happened. we both tried to pretend we werent having issues but we both knew otherwise. so today i told her that i was around her part of town and that we should both meet up before work.  it went better than expected. we both agreed to atleast wait a week between hang outs and to never hang  out while drinking. because we all know how that will turn out. -km happy with how it went because i know she needs a friend right now because she doesnt have many, and shes still having issues with her mother which is hard on anyone. i would explain but its not my place to talk about. i just feel great lol. anyhow, just about to start my shift. peaceeeee!

so yesterday i was supposed to have the talk with ls, and it never happened. we both tried to pretend we werent having issues but we both knew otherwise. so today i told her that i was around her part of town and that we should both meet up before work.  it went better than expected. we both agreed to atleast wait a week between hang outs and to never hang  out while drinking. because we all know how that will turn out. -km happy with how it went because i know she needs a friend right now because she doesnt have many, and shes still having issues with her mother which is hard on anyone. i would explain but its not my place to talk about. i just feel great lol. anyhow, just about to start my shift. peaceeeee!

For me, anxiety is the worst intangable thing in the world. Anxiety is this pain inside your head when your thinking about some problem that your going through and it is a problem that you cant solve at that point in time. The thought of that problem overwhelms you and you cant think of anything else. Next comes the panic. The panic of not being able to get your mind off it. Then you feel your stomach cramp up.. you just feel like your going to vomit, but you never do so it continues to hurt. In some cases you find it extremely hard to breath and feel like your going to faint, which causes the hyperventalating that actually causes you to faint. Those are the stages I go through anyhow. I dont know if its the same for everybody. Oddly enough the two weirdest things in the world cause me to be able to calm down when im having anxiety. The first being booze, and this is odd because for alot of people, they most commonly have anxiety attack while they're drunk. The second thing that calms me down is video games lol. I think this is because it distracts me on all levels. Have you experienced anxiety? Tell me about it.

California :)

To summarize this situation before I go into further detail, having a friend with benifits is probably the worst thing you could to to yourself unless your a completely emotionless person. Everyone thinks that it would be so amazing but you dont know untill you have had one for a long period of time. No matter what you do you can't help but become attached to the person, and without you realizing it, your in some kind of bind that you cant get out of. What happens when one of you finds someone that you want to commit to? Can you just tell your FWB that you no longer want to see them? That you just want to be friends without benifits? Unfortunaltely it doesn't work that way, it's almost exactly like breaking up with someone. In my situation what has happened was that I was sleeping with someone that I will name by her initial ( LS ). LS has a boyfriend when I met her, and we became very good friends at first, alot of flirting. We started to hang out alone and became intimate. At first she acted as if she she didnt know what she was doing, but she knew her intention was to cheat on him with me. As time passed by we continued to hang out and we continued to have sex and everytime it became more simple, it was almost as if we were dating. She was at my house atleast four times a week. Sometimes when we would lay there in my bed afterwards it was like I was falling inlove with her. Only untill her boyfriend would text or call her phone, then I would snap back into reality. This continued for atleast four more months untill I decided that I wanted her to be mine, soley. I tried to convince her to break up with him two times, threatening not to be her friend anymore untill she did. This never happened. The first time I met her boyfriend was at her fathers funeral, RIP wayne. I feel like a fucking piece of shit for even showing my face there, but he was a great man and I respected him alot. Her boyfriend had recently lost a friend too, so I went to meet him and shook his hand, telling him that I was sorry for his loss. I regret that day so much, I feel like a made a mockery of both her father and his friends death that day. A month goes by and by this point it had been a year that I had been sleeping with her, and he finally finds out that she had been cheating on him this whole time. The first person she came to for comfort after going through the break up is me. But how much do I want her now? I finally realize that she wasnt cheating with me because she wanted me, she wanted to be with him all along and just came to me for the attention and sex. I feel like a complete idiot. I'm trapped inbetween being her friend and wanting more from her because I really do feel like I might love her, but I could never date her because of the trust. Do I just delete her from my life? Or is losing your father, boyfriend, and bestfriend in one summer too much pain for her to handle? Tomorrow were having a talk and I'm pushing her out of my life. Wish me luck.

You lie to me about the simplest things. like that night I asked you if you wanted to meet up with eric and you said no, but then i later found out you wanted to go to gracies because he was there. why lie about it when were supposed to just be friends? and also when I asked you if you were interested in him and you still say no, I know its a lie.. even though you might not be ready for a relationship I still know that your interested in him one way or another. Its hard for me to be your friend because I want more than that and I know you never will. I feel used in the fact that I've always been second in priority, first with kyle and now with eric, Ill never be first, not that I would ever want there to be someone else in second place. I was just always there for you to pick up the pieces when your feeling down. Now with all this drama lately I feel like its hard for me to believe a word that comes out of your mouth because I feel like your just trying to hide things from me.. I dont get it, just be honest with me. I cant even stand the thought of you being involved or interested in another guy, it just feels so shitty even to hear about. I feel trapped inbetween being one of your best friends, and wanting more, but at the same time I cant see myself being with you because of trust issues, I just cant put that past myself. I want to just delete you out of my life completely, but I cant do that to you, I just feel so depressed having to know that I cant be with someone that I like more than anyone else because of trust and the fact that you may not like me the way I like you. So I dont know what to do. I want you to help me.

Things will get better, I know they will. You dont need anti depressants, you've been through this before. You will find someone. School is starting really soon and you will be motivated, because this is your last chance. If you fuck this up, you can never get a real job, and you'll never own a house or nice things. You will meet someone during school. everyone meets someone eventually.. you just have to find a girl you can put your trust into and someone you can finally love. Look past exterior even thought I know that is hard for you to do, but I know you can see the good in people, past the looks. Remember that every day you improve yourself and you learn from your mistakes.