maybe i never truly loved you
maybe i just need to do it for myself
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@deafmaninalake-blog
maybe i never truly loved you
maybe i just need to do it for myself

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Vex, please save my DNA code in the DFMNLK archives... Iâm about to transmute, and I will probably want to undo it
La verdad, me duele bastante esa frialdad. SĂŠ que no es algo malo y asĂ es tu forma de ser, tan solo me estĂĄ costando mucho quitarme ese peso de encima.
And I suck at making conversation
me
Youâre being possessive
You canât afford being possessive
Not anymore
Not again

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Hexcraft
Behind all sodomy There lies a soft and wounded heart
The looks that fall on me This winter lured the witches back
The voice that rarely shuts Convinced me to sit around
While lusting on my pain It gets it when I kill my time
>>>>>>>>
I kill my time It started when she whispered hexcraft And now They manifest each time I close my eyes
My eyes x2 + delay
>>>>>>>>
And soon the little things Began to happen less and less
I ceased existing here My mind stranded somewhere else
I begged a crone for help And sold my soul to BaphometÂ
But nothing ever changed Now thereâs a noose around my neckÂ
>>>>>>>>
__ __ The soul held in me eyesâ being sucked away And now I agonise each time I close my eyes
 My eyes
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I keep making Entire conversations in my head But they never turn out the way I planned
Iâm still winding Looking for an answer to my bane But I always end up where I began
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
__ __ It started when she whispered hexcraft And now Iâm petrified each time I close my eyes My eyes
Me siento vacĂo. Estos son dĂas de vacĂo.Â
Lo Ăşnico que deseo es> No puedo esperar para>
>Verte y llorar en tus brazos
An old song from 3/2 years ago (just so I wonât lose it)
Awkwardly standing at her party You are drunk, she is not Letâs her see all youâve been through
Now sheâs high to the bone Not marijuana, not alcohol Something else, that will haunt you
Haunt you for ages haunt you for years It makes you see, makes you see You close your eyes, you close your ears
But it makes you see, makes you read Pure hate gospel, helps deceive Try to do something, try anything
Sit right there, staring at static Youâre fantasising, all that youâve wantedâs Going away, waving goodbye, like
Fog dissipating, you are missing Try to do something, try to do something God, these meds are not working again
------------------------------------------------------------
Give me time
Itâs been a whileÂ
Since I felt or since I tried
To leave this behind
The things you donât say
Are pushing me further away
So what is it that I like about her? Is it the fact that she pays attention to me? Is it the fact that it is a lot of this attention? Her affection? The fact the she is willing to fuck me? Te let me suck her nipples? To lick my penis? Is it the fact that out of all the people she knows. amazing people at that, she chose me to do this with?
Sounds great, huh? Even coming from your fucked up self. So where does all the hate come from? Is it because she is not begging? Because Iâm not the only one she thinks about all the time? Because Iâm not that important to her? Because Iâm not the only one she is willing to fuck? Because she doesnât desire in the slightest to be monogamous? Because you know sheâs right and you only desire to go back to old habits with her? Head is not straight, manâŚ
Have I actually ever felt something for her? Done something good for her? Sheâs got a pretty good life, she doesnât really need that from me. Have I actually ever changed positively because of her? Am I actually deconstructing myself? Or just buying time? Is it normal to feel like this? Or am I just being the monster I always end up being?
I guess thatâs also why I canât have sex with her for long. Why I end up on distanced sex positions instead of close ones. Full view of her body, but no way Iâm touching it while being aroused. I know Iâm doing something dishonest when weâre having sex. But not because I donât love her, or respect her, or like her, or her body, or her. I just feel that I donât deserve her, sheâs just too good. As a person, as a woman, as the closest human Iâve got right now. She shouldnât be with a fuckup like me. I better not get close. But I end up doing everything wrong, as usual

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So what is it that I like about her? Is it the fact that she pays attention to me? Is it the fact that it is a lot of this attention? Her affection? The fact the she is willing to fuck me? Te let me suck her nipples? To lick my penis? Is it the fact that out of all the people she knows. amazing people at that, she chose me to do this with?
Sounds great, huh? Even coming from your fucked up self. So where does all the hate come from? Is it because she is not begging? Because Iâm not the only one she thinks about all the time? Because Iâm not that important to her? Because Iâm not the only one she is willing to fuck? Because she doesnât desire in the slightest to be monogamous? Because you know sheâs right and you only desire to go back to old habits with her? Head is not straight, man...
Have I actually ever felt something for her? Done something good for her? Sheâs got a pretty good life, she doesnât really need that from me. Have I actually ever changed positively because of her? Am I actually deconstructing myself? Or just buying time? Is it normal to feel like this? Or am I just being the monster I always end up being?
Te odias? Va, cabrĂłn. Si no lo vas a hacer por ti ahora porque amas autodestruirte, entonces lo haremos por el futuro de Daniel. Te cuesta y te caga sentarte a trabajar? Chingon, pues como la vida no tiene sentido y todos vamos y amamos sufrir, entonces te voy a sentar a programar horas. A ver si asĂ se nos pasa y de paso Daniel sabrĂĄ hacerlo bien en unos aĂąos. Te da miedo enfrentarte a la gente? CĂĄmara, si te todas maneras vas a andar sentado en tu cuarto sufriendo vamos a sufrirla chido y someternos a la vida social. Con suerte y Daniel en un futuro podrĂĄ hacerlo mejor que nosotros.Â
Okay, itâs time, I can feel it. Since starting college Iâve written a few short films - a college dramedy that I wrote, directed, and edited, a couple of little âslice of lifeâ things and one very shlocky, fun horror movie that I wrote with a friend.
But I feel itâs time to write a simple, yet effective psychlogical thriller, which is possibly my favorite genre of movies. It will inevitably fall into the broad âhorrorâ category, but like films such as Get Out, Halloween, Psycho, etc., it will be more about the suspense, the atmosphere, and the psychological element that taps into a part of our brains that allows us to use our imagination in the darkest of ways.
Now Iâm just hyping up something that will probably end up being another failed idea, but hey, you never know.
Sounds really nice, I wish you the best of lucks
Today i kinda discovered that I (probably) quit my life projects halfway there cuz Iâm afraid they wonât be as good as I want them to be. As expected, this level of perfection I want from myself is ridiculous and unobtainable, an unreachable expectation. To know where it comes from I need deeper analysis of myself.
But now I know I spend my days in youtube and not working on my game because I always feel the code could be better, or at least I convince myself of this idea. And so I also doom myself on purpose (though unconsciously). If I donât work on this I will never fail, but I also wonât ever be better at it. I procrastinate my life away.
How long âtil I hijack myself to death? Or even worse: to a meaningless life...
Once again
I lost a friend...

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Something good came out of today... It felt like a shitty-ready to be forgotten day, but just at the last moment, a song came out, and Iâm really enamoured with it. Hopefully David will cease to be angry at me, I kinda deserve it...Â
Youâre on a massive spaceship with whatâs left of humanity. Itâs the only ship, whatâs on the ship is all you have. There are no humans left except for the few thousand people on board.
There are a few Star Trek-style replicators throughout the ship. These produce food, clothing, medicine â all material needs. In order to produce enough for everyone to live comfortably, they require a few hundred people to use stationary bikes for a few hours each week to generate the required energy.
Paradise, right? Enough people are more than happy to spend some time helping the community meet its needs, and many just enjoy the exercise, so there shouldnât be any problem getting those replicators running!
The trouble is, immediately after boarding the ship, a few people camped out by the replicators and claimed them as their own. Using the resources from the replicators, they have bribed some people to guard them and âtheirâ replicator and beat up anyone who tries to use them.
Now that these people have total access to the replicators, they have total power over who gets food, water, medicine, etc. They demand that everyone on the ship use the bikes every day, all day, or they will not be allowed to eat or drink. (The exception is their enforcers, who are rewarded with more resources for keeping the population in line in a variety of ways.)
Overworking everyone else produces enough energy for the replicator-hoggers to live like kings. They order up luxuries for themselves from the replicators, and eat and drink when and whatever they want. They order up food and throw it away when they decide they donât want it. Huge piles of objects go unused in their quarters.
They make rules for how everyone else on the ship has to live, under threat of violence from their enforcers. People who canât or wonât spend all day using the bikes are deliberately allowed to die from hunger and thirst, and the resource-hoarders say itâs because life must be earned.
The resource-hoarders allow the ship to fall into disrepair, and even throw wild parties and break things. Engineers beg to be allowed to effect repairs, but the resource-hoarders refuse, even when warned that in a few years the ship will break down completely and no one will survive. They call the engineers liars and conspirators.
And people just⌠sort of get used to it. They rationalize it, they say that the resource hoarders work hardest of all because they decide who gets what and when. Even though there are thousands more being forced to work than there are resource hoarders or their enforcers, people are afraid, or donât want to think about it, or they justify it, or they dream of the day when they can work their way up the ranks of the enforcers and hog resources too.Â
And, I mean, itâs not human nature to hoard resources. Most people share their rations and help each other survive as best they can. Itâs literally like eight jerks just camping out by the replicators surrounded by guards they bribe with the fruits of everyone elseâs work.
But we let them do it. And the idea that we shouldnât is considered wacky and fringe.