my youth

       ––  there was a RELIEVED smile on the taller boys face that faded, along with the blush on his cheeks as benji refused them. though, jamie simply pushed them toward him, “ take them, ” he instructed. it wasn’t exactly a question, but more of a DEMAND. he didn’t just want benji to come, he wanted him to get the special treatment, a meet and greet, a good view, and the same meet and greet AFTER the show. he wanted to SEE him again. because after tomorrow night, he didn’t know when he’d be coming back. but, he knew this boy was special. he made him feel like jamie acosta, but with much LESS pop star and much MORE, guy in a diner. “ c’mon ! really ! ” jamie pushed them a bit closer, almost teasing him “ besides, why do you think i’m carrying them ? i give them to fans who can’t afford to come. and for brighton, i choose your pretty face and whoever you wanna bring. ”

    ––  with his feet propped up on the stools base, he leaned over the counter. elbows keeping him from collapsing completely. simply just EXHAUSTED from staying up this late after a show had ended. there had been far too many days where jamie felt like he was going to PASS OUT because he never seemed to find enough time to sleep. he’d only been touring for a few years, he still wasn’t accustomed to getting three hours of a sleep, a morning radio show, and afternoon interview and a show the night just to repeat it all over again. it all seemed a little overwhelming. but, talking to benji brought him back to reality– even if it was only a for a little bit. getting to listen to someone just speak about real life problems that he didn’t have to deal with made his heart warm. remembering that there were still REAL people out in the world. not just fake happy news anchors, crazed fans and money hungry friends. “ your price range ? ” jamie questioned, holding up a hand. “ jus-just stay there ! ” he grinned, rushing out of the diner, finding his parked van, rummaging through dirty clothes and papers that needed his signature. two VIP passes making their way into his hand, hung on special edition lanyards. only to rush back, placing them on the bar. “ here you go. ” he whispered, slightly out of breath. “ for you and a friend. ”

       ––  a large grin played on his lips as his arm snaked around the woman to his left. it was tough for him, having to LEAVE benji behind and pretend to be in love with a woman. and god, that hurt him to the core. jamie felt like his insides were FREEZING the second he felt the flash against the frames of his tom ford’s, pushing them up on the bridge of his nose. lots of names were being called to look over here and over there. “ alright, alright. i’d like to eat dinner with MY GIRL, guys. thank you. ” he smiled for one more picture, putting his hands up as a thank you, guiding her into the restaurant, BACKING her up as if he were her body guard.

    ––  jamie watches him slowly, eyes following every motion his body made, not sure which part to focus on the most. it was like benji’s body was moving at once and he didn’t know how to help and it made him feel like such a FAILURE. he couldn’t help the one person he loved the most in this world; there were only very few people who could say that and jamie was one of them. the only time when being unique was the worst thing in the world. things took a strange turn when benji raised his voice, he’d never heard him get so loud before and the fact that no one came running to figure out what he was talking about made his features soften. “ am i –– am i the FIRST to know ? ” for some reason he knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it come from benji, himself. EVERYTHING else they’d been talking about was forgotten because the answer to this became the most important thing to him. “ or am i the LAST ? ” he could feel his heart stop as he asked if he was the last, just the feeling of being the last to know about something so big made the TEAR that remained in his heart deepen, feeling the A C H E in chest as his heart hung onto their halves by a thread.

     ––   a soft chuckle comes from his LIPS, rolling his eyes softly as he settles comfortably in his chair, elbows resting on the bar. of course, he didn’t mind being told he was tall. he remembers jumping to the size he was. it was the summer between grade eight and grade nine. he was usually on the SHORTER SIDE of all of his friends, until that quick growth spurt hit him like a ton of bricks. “ oh, uh, y-yeah, ” he laughs, looking at benji, “ get that EVERY time. ” he responded, his voice softer than usual before looking up at him trying to recover from his mistake. “ no, no, you’re okay ! it’s nice to meet some of my fans out here. were you at the show earlier ? ” he asked, leaning over the counter, eyes focused on the blue boy. “ i feel like i would’ve remembered a PRETTY FACE like yours, though. ” jamie teased him, his voice simply drowning in FLIRTATION as he chuckled, resting his chin on the apple of his palm. a toothy grin still a part of his features, brown eyes focused on the reaction to his attempt at flirting on the other.

     ––  jamie could feel his brain stop working, the function it held just pausing. his body froze, muscles tensed just letting it SINK IN. the phrases ‘ it came out as positive ’ was playing on repeat. it was like this was all a dream, vivid and surreal, but a dream. it was just so strange to think about how could this have happened. jamie vaguely remembers the horror stories he was told in health class; all about safe sex and how one time and your partner could be pregnant. but, it was always bullshit. according the porn he watched, it was all BULLSHIT. and of course, jamie with this mindset, was the one to fuck up. “ wh-what ? ” he mumbled, not wanting to benji to repeat himself, just reminding himself that this reality and that he was most definitely NOT asleep. from his kneeling position, he pulls benji’s legs down, letting them hang off the bed once more, moving a bit closer to him. “this –– hey, don’t CRY, this is okay. ” he mumbles, not believing it himself. hands came up, resting on the sides of the smaller boy’s cheeks, thumbs wiping at the tears that came from his eyes, following the path of those previous. “ c’mon, LOOK AT ME, baby boy. ” jamie told him, eyes wide as he looked back him. “ we’re gonna figure this out, alright ? ” 

      ––   pursed lips were the expression that stayed on his face as he thought about what to get. favoring what the waiter ( now known as benji ) had said, he scanned through the breakfast foods. everything looked far too H E A V Y for what he was feeling in the moment, looking back up at him he shrugs and says, “ what about... the waffles ? maybe a few banana slices on them if the BIG GUY back there doesn’t mind. ” leaning back to see the chef readying up his stove for jamie’s batch of food. looking around, he spots the bar knowing that his friends would continue to be boisterous. fitting himself between the waiter and his seat he chuckled softly, the height difference between the two being a bit frightening. “ sorry, i’d just rather separate myself from them. ” an excuse that wasn’t a COMPLETE lie. “ –– jamie, ” taking a seat on one of the bar stools, “ by the way. i’m jamie. ”

     ––   how could it be HARD to say ? it was just a conversation between the two, they’d been dating for god knows how long, and benji still couldn’t tell him O N E thing. if jamie wasn’t so focused on him, he could’ve taken it the WRONG way and his heart would’ve been BROKEN. but his mind was only focused on the boy before him; scared for what could possibly be wrong. if jamie had done something, if someone else had hurt him, if he wanted to break up with him. whatever it was, it must’ve been pretty terrible for benji to ignore jamie’s attempts to help. “ just –– just FUCKING say it. ” jamie paused, hands reaching out to sit him down on the bed as jamie followed, kneeling before him. “ please. i’m just scared... ” jamie mumbled, not really wanting benji to hear that he was simply terrified. “ talk to me, it’s just me here, benji. ” jamie whispered, keeping their voices HUSHED and only between the pair.

    ––   a L A U G H escaped him again hearing the other ask for reassurance that they weren’t intoxicated or inebriated. they definitely weren’t, he and his friends still riding the HIGH of the show jamie had done a few hours prior. their ears were ringing, their eyes glossy, and their clothes were covered in the smell of hundreds of girls COTTON CANDY AND VANILLA scented bath and bodyworks body spray. jamie simply smelled of cologne and old spice from being on stage, but his friends masked that, unfortunately. mentally waving the smell from his nose, he looked up at the boy who appeared taller than he was, looking down at the menu. “ uh, i definitely know what i want. you can forget about these dummies. ” motioning to the boys he sat with, eyes back up on the boy. ADORABLE. he thought, clearing his throat. “ well, actually, what do you recommend... ” jamie trailed off, eyes narrowing on his name tag. “ BENJAMIN. ”

    ––   it’d been days, maybe weeks, he’d honestly lost count. just watching benji practically ignoring any question about how feels made his HEART ACHE. benji, of all people, should know that jamie’s temper was quick. it was like a light switch, he could be grand and happy one moment and want to punch a hole in the wall the next. it’d nearly all gotten to him before he got a day to relax and chill. the stress of shows mixed with his boyfriend not telling him a damn thing TORE HIM to pieces. “ hey, benji, can i –– just come here. ” his voice seemed a bit more forceful, obviously angry, but not as anger as days before. shutting the door behind the pair he looked down at the shorter boy, “ what the FUCK has been your problem these past few days ? ” it’d been WEEKS, jamie. “ like, why won’t you talk to me ? ” a step or two was taken to stand in front of the door, not letting the other leave until he’d told him.

     ––   arms were outstretched as he followed his friends into the small diner, exhausted from a show only a few hours before this. they decided to eat something before they all fell asleep on his tour bus and wait for the show the next morning a venue near the small diner. it was mostly empty, the only diner open TWENTY-FOUR hours. he heard the nostalgic bell ring, noticing the hosts that someone had walked in, a smile on his lips as the hostess looked up at him. “ uh, four for jamie. –– or ACOSTA. ” he grinned before the she took out for menus, letting his friends go before him, taking a seat on the outside of the booth, finally relaxing a bit. jamie turned to his friend as he told a joke, a loud laugh coming his lips; creating a SCENE that grabbed the attention of the few patrons and the waiters around the restaurant. “ they probably think we’re some hooligans who just finished smoking. ” jamie teased, “ we’re sober ! i swear ! ”