I am obscene to you, but to myself, I simply am.

everyone more pretentious than me is an insufferable poseur and everyone less pretentious than me is a clueless philistine

oh fuck

ID: a digital drawing of a man in scrubs sitting on a wheeled stool, serenely smiling with his elbow on a rolling cart, where a tablet is flipped open to show an approximation of the Lord Farquaad screensaver. end ID

Reblogging this bc it’s making rounds again

I'm in a little local cafe and the women behind the counter started griping to each other, "Oh Christ, Stephen's back again," "It's him, is it? I thought he'd stopped coming," "It's definitely him, look, it's bloody Stephen on a Thursday morning," "Do you want me to get rid of him or are you going to do it?" and so I was peering outside, trying to spot this nightmare customer, this pestilence of a person, this pox upon the cafe trade, and then one of the women from behind the counter ran outside, clapping two trays together loudly and yelling "GET OUT OF IT, STEPHEN!" and it turns out that Stephen is an absolutely gigantic fuck-off seagull who hangs around outside, menacing people for crumbs

okay. fine. i have a solution that will make no one happy. let's make pluto a planet. if we launch one tungsten cube per day for 200 years precisely aimed at pluto's surface it will become massive enough to gravitationally clear its orbit of other kuiper belt objects. this will be completely useless and extremely expensive as well as potentially dangerous. and it will destroy the heart

pillows have stopped having a cold side some time ago

love when cats hear that you've woken up even just a little bit and they're like hiiiiiii oh my god oh my god!!!!! i wrote some poems in the night let me recite them for you. this one is called: screaming and knocking your water bottle off your nightstand

I’m going to the grocery store does anyone want to sublet my apartment for 45 minutes

How much

Only 3400

hot damn 🏃‍♂️ cmon guys lets go 🏃‍♂️🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🐕🧞‍♀️

ok I’m back you and your boyfriend and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your dog and your djinn can go

weighted blanket's not enough i need to be compressed by a hydraulic press

i know the way people talk about their pets now is probably how we’ve been doing it for all of history. a cat owner in ancient rome saw their cat lounging on the dining pillows and commented “he thinks himself to be the senator claudius 🤣”