my days feel so monotoned. just walking to an uninspired, repetitive, boring rhythm, unable to get myself to seek anyone or anything otherwise. distancing myself from everyone as per usual... essentially feel like I'm waiting around for something to happen... this depressive episode is so different from others I've had though. the feeling of dread and suicidal ideation replaced with a weird sense of hope, like theres so much more to life than w/e my life has come to currently. I think about the love I want to give and feel one day, romantically and for my community, without hesitation and unashamed... so dissapointed in myself for letting myself go the way I did, knowing all the things I have or need to do, but I can't be too mad at it. everything has been so dissapointing. home doesnt feel like home, feel like I have no agency at work, feel like I haven't felt a genuine emotion in months. people owe me fucking money that would really help rn.... 2 steps forward type beat. all I can hope is that this will lead to some kind of break within me. I just hope it isn't too much for me to handle, given how fragile my state seems right now. all I have and can do right now is hope. and give myself enough love and grace till I get to where I want to be. inshallah