Everyone's a Catgirl! Ch. 1: The Bench
It all happened so fast. βYou Diedβ didnβt flash before my eyes. There wasnβt a guardian angel or that βlight at the end of the tunnel.β I didnβt even get the memory reel that everyone talks about.
Just a giant vastness of nothing.
When my consciousness returned, it didnβt come with a body. Well, it kind of did, but not the corporeal flesh-golem Iβm used to. It was more like an outline, hinting at where the edges of my skinΒ shouldΒ be. I thought Iβd lost all five senses before I found myself standing in a room, staring at the hinted shapes of other people.
Dead people?
There were a lot of ways Iβd imagined the afterlife, and this definitely wasnβt one of them. I was in the lobby of an enormous building flooded with stringent white light. Rooms lined the hallways to my left and right, extending further than I could see. Each section was closed off by glass panels, allowing curious onlookers to peer into what looked like courtrooms. Stern-faced judges in black robes sat at the head of every room while other soulsβat least, thatβs what I assumed they wereβstood at the defendantβs table. The whole setting had a dream-like quality that I couldnβt seem to shake, but something told me that this was very, very real.
βAm I in hell?β I wondered aloud, happy to hear my own voice emit from a source that I was sure had lost its lungs.
βI dunno, man. I just got here.β Another form next to me shrugged. βBut this sure is my idea of hell.β
I wanted to panic, or run, or do anything but stand there and stare into what was sure to be my final judgment. This was all too fast and too damn soonβIβd just barely turned twenty. I couldnβt be dead yet.
βMatthew Kelmer?β a kind voice called over the crowd. I looked up to see a young woman who couldnβt have been much older than me but contained a more solid-looking body. Her blonde hair fell in waves just past her curved hips, and she wore a sharp black jacket with a tight skirt and brightly colored scarf. Made me think of a sexy flight attendant.
βThatβs me,β I said, stepping past the other souls.
Her smile was brilliant and unnervingly comforting. But what else was I going to take comfort in? βCome with me, please.β
βHey! Whatβs the deal? He just got here!β a man in the back shouted.
βThis way, please,β she repeated, ignoring the outcry.
There was an annoyed grumbling from the heckler. I squared my shoulders and fell into step behind the stranger.
βWhere am I?β I asked once we were far enough away from the crowd.
βSurely youβve heard of purgatory?β she asked.
βWell, yeah.β I realized that being called back so quickly probably wasnβt the best thing to happen in purgatory. βWait, did I stamp a one-way ticket to hell or something?β
βNo, silly. Quite the opposite. Here, please.β She stopped in front of a large metal door and held it open for me. It was one of the only rooms not sectioned off by glass.
I stepped inside and waited. βWho are you?β
βMy name is Leiana. Iβm one of the managers of purgatory.β
βManagers?β
βYour world refers to them as goddesses, I believe.β
I wanted to pinch myself and wake up. But there was nothing to pinch. βUm. Okay.β
βYou see, Matthewββ
I bristled. βJust Matt is fine.β
A corner of her smile twitched downward, but her cheerful demeanor remained. βYour heroic death has earned you another chance. A new life in a different world.β She circled an oak desk and took a seat.
My what? In a what?Β A dozen questions assaulted me. βValiant death?β
A virtual display appeared above her desk with a few presses of her fingers. A movie in stunning high definition began to play, and I watched in silence. It was me at the gym Iβd been standing in not an hour before.
I was lying on the bench, preparing to do a bench press without a spotter. Who the hell needed a spotter? It didnβt look that hard. Iβd never done one before, but I knew the other girls in the gym loved to watch guys compete against each other with the weights. And there was a girl there I had my eye on.
βYou battled against this metal beast with such courage!β Leiana exclaimed.
The dots began to connect.Β Oh, Jesus Christ.Β In the video, it was clear that I hadnβt secured the weights well. Briana, the girl Iβd been hoping to catch the attention of, had noticed. Sheβd jogged over to the bench just as I lifted the bar. Her lips were moving, and she was waving her arms, but Iβd had my headphones in and didnβt hear her.
βSee how you struggled!β Leiana clasped her hands and swooned. βYou protected her with all your might.β
Yeah, I struggled, alright. As I pushed harder on the bar, my face turned beet-red, and the veins in my throat pulsed against my skin. Iβd racked up almost three hundred poundsβnearly twice my weight.
The bar tilted in my unsure grip, and my arms buckled. As my shoulders gave out, the bar hurtled toward me past the catches on either side and crushed my windpipe. I must have died instantly. Briana sunk to her knees and plucked out my earbuds, shouting words I couldnβt make out.
βAnd as all tragic romances end, true loveβs kiss,β Leiana crooned.
Briana had tried to give me CPR. I wanted to crawl under Leianaβs desk. I hadnβt even stayed alive long enough to feel her lips on mine, goddammit. The screen went dark.
βI could not let your judgment pass without offering another chance.β Leiana sighed. βThese are the stories that go down in history.β
God, I hope not.Β I had no idea what to say. βSo, another chance?β
βYes. As a manager, you see, I can grant second chances to special cases such as yours. There are hundreds of other worlds that could use your strength and valor, with a few stipulations, of course.β
βSuch as?β
Leiana giggled. βIt depends on the world! Every world has its own set of rules.β She replayed the video from the beginning. βGoodness, I believe I could watch this for eternity.β
And now Iβm in hell.Β βCan we talk about the other worlds?β
βOh! Yes, of course. Letβs see what we have available.β She closed the window and opened a new oneβsomething akin to a spreadsheet program. Names and languages Iβd never seen nor heard of scrolled by at a blazing speed. Her smile wavered. βHmm.β
βWhat?β I was beginning to wonder if Iβd rather risk it with the judge. I hadnβt done anythingΒ tooΒ terrible in life to deserve eternal damnation, right?
βWell, you see, I only have three worlds available at the moment.β
βOut of that whole list?β I couldnβt hide my surprise.
βThere are many specifications, requirements, overrides, and a lot of paperwork that goes into such a feat. But weβll make the best of it, Matthew, I promise you!β
βMatt,β I corrected flatly.
βOf course, Matt!β The giant list condensed down to three names, all composed of symbols I didnβt recognize. She selected the first title, and a screen filled with bar graphs and pie charts overlayed the spreadsheet. βSo, our first potential world has a moderate difficulty rating, a balanced monster score, and vast opportunity for growth!β
βDifficulty rating? Monster scores?β I probably couldnβt feel dizzy, but I took a seat in the chair across from Leianaβs desk anyway. βLike a video game?β
βYes! Very much like the video games of your world. You must complete tasks and earn yourself a place in their society by honing your attributes and gaining Skills.β
βAre you saying I have to level up?β
βSomething like that.β
βAre all worlds like this?β
βNo. However, the three available are.β
Okay, maybe this wouldnβt be too bad. Iβd played enough games to have a handle on that sort of system. βWhat are the rules of this one?β I gestured to the graphs.
βYou must begin life anew as a dungeon.β
I paused. βA what?β
βA dungeon. Itβs very popular, from what I understand.β
I pictured dark, scummy caves filled with bats and spiders and bears. I imagined smelling like stale water and mold. βWho the hell would want to be a dungeon?β
βWell, many before you have chosen this option, but we can move on,β Leiana mumbled, seeming distraught. She quickly regained her composure and pulled up the second set of charts. βOur second world begins in the Kingdom of Rhodes. The difficulty rating is low, the monsters are on the gentler side, and magic powers the realm.β
Boring.Β Iβd played every JRPG on the planet. The last thing I wanted to do was live in a tropey, easy fantasy land. βNext.β
βYou donβt wish to hear the rules?β
βNo. Next?β
Leiana sighed and pulled up the third name. The graphs for this one looked more intense compared to the other two. She chewed her bottom lip and glanced at me before looking back at the hologram.
βWhat?β My interest piqued.
βWell, the difficulty rating is quite extreme, and the monster score is on the higher end of what Iβm familiar with. And, wellββ she trailed.
This sounded interesting. βWell, what?β
βEveryoneβs a catgirl.β
If I still had a heart, it would have stopped. βWait. Itβs a world full of catgirls?β
βYes.β
βLike girls with cat ears and tails?β
Leiana narrowed her eyes. βYes.β
βDo I have to be a dungeon?β There had to be some stupid catch. This was way too good to be true.
βI do not believe so.β
βDoΒ IΒ have to be a catgirl?β
She opened another document and glanced through the illegible script. βNo. Per their stipulations, you would arrive just as you were before you passed. But your attributes and profile would be entirely reset. Matt, I donβtββ
βIβm going there.β I leaped from the chair. My head swirled with pictures of beautiful, petite girls with adorable kitty ears and bells. βSend me there.β
Leiana drummed her fingers along the top of her desk as she stared up at me. βAre you sure?β
βAbsolutely.β Catgirls wearing maid outfits, in silk lingerie, in bathing suits. It was like the ultimate dream come true.
She paused. βThe difficulties will be immense. We cannot change this decision once youβve made it.β
βI understand.β What part of βSend meβ didnβt she get?
She frowned. βYou are certain, then?β
βIβmΒ moreΒ than certain.β How many times was she going to ask me? I didnβt careΒ howΒ hard it was or how awful the grind could be. It was a whole damn world of catgirls. I wanted nothing more. βSend me.β
βAs you wish.β She stood and signed off on the bottom of the stipulations sheet. βYour necessary tools will be given to you after you arrive. Please check your inventory.β
βWait? How do I do that?β In a video game, my inventory was accessed by a button. How did someone pick through a physical inventory? Would I get a suitcase or something?
She ignored my question and made a series of hand signals. A warm glow surrounded her fingers, and her final gesture pointed toward me. βFor your valor, Matthew Kelmer. Be reborn!β
For the second time that day, the world went dark.
Now Loadingβ¦
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