&& . — flaw in my code.

Lately it’s been hard to live in my body.
My heart is full of skeletons. My palms
are bleeding from clinging to a love like the sharp edge of a knife. But you kiss me like forgiveness. You 
hold me like I’m hope. Like a promise to
leave more than scars. Your arms are gauze. 
Loving you heals me.

Damn. Karen knew without even having to ask that Devon saw right through Karen’s paper thin act of being okay; they knew each other too well. If this was Devon, Karen would’ve reacted the same way. Her breath hitched and she hugged Devon back. She wished that they could stay like that, safe in each other’s arms. Things with Lily had been so tense, so different, and Karen woke up each day terrified that Lily would change her mind about her. As such, Karen’s expectation of Devon’s reaction had lowered–if she could even get the words out again. “I love you too.” Karen replied, obviously lost in thought and struggling to keep up with the world around her.

   Devon worked hard to keep her expression straight. There was something very, very wrong here and, try as she might, she didn’t have enough to figure it out. Their eyes remained locked, but Karen wasn’t looking at Devon, not really. She’d found somewhere happier   ( or maybe not )  in her head and had made a spontaneous and temporary departure, leaving the brunette filled to the brim with questions.  But this was Karen’s time-- so how could Devon do anything but give her it??

— Sirens. Violet had never been so happy to hear sirens. As the ambulance closed in on the pair, the brunette tried her best to keep Devon’s attention. To keep her present; to do whatever the hell she could, to keep her awake. The fear that coloured both Devon’s voice and her expression made Violet’s chest hurt, although being afraid did mean one thing: it meant you were alive. The words ‘I love you’ had never felt so comforting, although Violet couldn’t shake the feeling that they had been said just incase. She wanted to tell Devon that she was going to be okay, that this wasn’t goodbye. But instead, she settled for the slightly more comforting: “I love you too.” And just as the words fell from her lips, Devon was scooped up by paramedics. 

With the simple twitch of the girl’s lips, Violet felt her sanity start to return. Another shaky gasp of relief (slightly more audible this time) tumbled from the brunette’s lips, a trembling hand going to caress her girlfriend’s cheek. Even though just ten minutes had passed since Devon crumbled, Violet had completely lost her concept of time. How long had they been waiting for the ambulance — minutes, hours, days? It had felt like an eternity, staring down at the brunette on the icy pavement; it had felt like it was never going to end. But everything ends, doesn’t it? For better, or for worse. And thankfully, for today at least, Devon had looked into the void and said ‘no’.

  She didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to leave Violet or Darcy or Ka– but oh, when the wave of nausea hit followed by the crushing urge to just  r e l a x, it seemed autonomy was no luxury she earned.  To seep into the wonders of her mind where there was no fault in blood pressure, no poorly prescribed medication, no divergence from how normal people lived. Just the sweet serendipity of her own thoughts.  But then–Violet’s voice, again snapping her out of whatever mind control she’d been twisted under. Rest your head, her mind tempted, but the organ that did the most feeling of them all pulled her back with: Stay awake. Stay alive.

A small sigh of relief tumbled from Violet’s lips as her girlfriend’s gaze found her own. Fixed, this time, not wandering aimlessly; she hoped that meant Devon could see her. Really, see her. That maybe, just maybe, they were back on the same plane of existence. “Dev,” she murmured, and even though the fear still swam on her tongue, she knew the girl could hear her, this time. A voice still demanding information in her ear, was asking the same question on loop: ‘Ma’am, you said she almost stopped breathing — is your girlfriend breathing?’ 

  Violet was here, which didn’t assist in differentiating dream from reality. When she spoke, Devon was hooked onto every individual word, barely processing them as a complete sentence. She had to be dreaming. If this was real, how did she land up here? Weren’t they...God, Devon couldn’t even remember what planted the two here. What day was it?? It didn’t matter. All that mattered were big brown eyes she daren’t stay from, the soothing voice that, somehow, made her feel almost normal.  Violet’s voice did help, Devon realised, as she began making more sense, as words became more than strung together syllables. Finally, the shortest sentence of them all, got through to her.

Karen slowly got up when she heard Devon knock. Here we go, she thought, stomach twisting and heart pounding. Maybe her appearance could be written off to how late it was? Breathing out uneasily, she opened the door and forced a smile. “Hey…”

  There was a world of difference between sleepy and tired. Sleepy meant groggy bones, slow minds. Tired meant the end of the thread-- exhausted. Karen was the latter, Devon knew, the second she appeared in the door frame. “Hey,” She introduced, immediately wrapping her arms around Karen and resting her head on her shoulder, murmuring into soft brunette hair, “I love you.” She pulled back to close the door and to meet her eye when inquiring, “What’s going on, Kare?”