Sheep's lumps of pixels and visual shitposting

I have played almost all games with Wario in the title, and many titles with Wario as a playable character. It’s disingenuous to call him a libertarian. He’s an anarcho-capitalist.

1. Wario’s Color Scheme - Yellow (and Purple)

The significance of Wario’s color scheme is absolutely nothing to be ignored. Color is significant in the Nintendo universe, as Mario and Luigi (red and green) represent the communist and socialist forces of the proletariat rising up to defeat the fascist Koopa dictatorship / feudal state / whatever. Yellow is Wario’s color, and yellow is the color of classical liberalism. Civil liberties, political freedom, minimal government, laissez-faire economics.

As for purple, there is more open to interpretation. From a US perspective, it might be representative of the politics of a “swing state” (red + blue = purple), indicating some degree of social policy centrism. There is the slight possibility that purple may indicate a preference for homosexuality (again a US perspective). However, my theory is that the purple color of Wario’s overalls represents royalty, aristocracy, and wealth. Purple has been a color of nobility for quite a long time, beginning around the time of Roman emperors. Asian cultures also use purple as a nobility color; considering that Wario is a character created by a Japanese game company, the symbolism isn’t lost. This interpretation is easily backed up by the massive amount of money Wario makes in his various ventures.

2. How Wario Spends His Time

Wario’s life is an intense chronicle that can be split into separate categories. I do not intend to list all the games featuring Wario, but many will be mentioned. They are significant because the activities themselves help characterize Wario as an anarcho-capitalist. These categories are:

Exploration / Treasure Hunting / Reclaiming Stolen Property

Business Ventures

Having Fun

Wario is an explorer. His interest in exploration indicates a desire to drive into the unknown to accomplish deeds. His goal is treasure. His journey is relentless, and not easy. This is not pilfering, this is achieving. In his quests, Wario has chased pirates more than once, explored a magical pyramid, and other strange locales. The journeys are treacherous, the rewards well worth it, and the consequences of his deeds end oftentimes by improving the quality of life of the people around him. Wario has even done his share of rescues - at least a village and a princess! Many of Wario’s adventures involve “getting even”. In Wario Land II, pirates steal his treasure, and he reclaims it. In Wario Land 3, he is misled by an evil entity, and then beats said entity in a method reminiscent of the childhood game “stop hitting yourself”.

Wario’s business ventures revolve around the highly successful series called WarioWare. This series is both popular in real life and within the game universe. Wario shows serious business savvy in his adoption of the minigame as a saleable item. Wario knows the formula works, and is not ashamed to wave around the fat stacks of money he makes through the sales of his minigames. There have been several games in the WarioWare series, and though the mechanics may change, two things remain unaltered: the length of the minigames, and Wario making fat stacks of cash off the sales. It might not be inaccurate to say that he is the father of the modern microtransaction! Wario also owns a pharmacy in Mario Kart: Double Dash!!’s Mushroom City.

Considering his leisure activities, Wario enjoys the occasional nap, lounging around, playing sports with other Nintendo characters, and hanging out with a unique group of friends only featured in the WarioWare series.

Considering his non-leisure activities, one might actually refer to him as a Randian Hero in complete seriousness - “a man who perseveres to achieve his values, even when his ability and independence leads to conflict with others”.

3. Wario’s Attributes

Many people are quick to find fault with Wario. He can be a slob, or disgusting at times. Keep in mind though that these are idiosyncrasies and not political attributes. So yes, it’s gross that he picks his nose sometimes, but that doesn’t disqualify him from anything.

Wario can pilot automobiles, motorcycles, and planes. Wario can invent incredibly complex machines in short amounts of time. Wario is creative enough to come up with original game ideas and design them himself. Wario is incredibly physically fit and is difficult to directly harm in most cases. The invincibility might have something to do with the huge amount of garlic he eats. In Wario Land 4, he pumps iron before boss fights. According to commercials for Wario’s first two games, he is an accomplished hypnotist. Wario also owns chickens as pets, and it is hinted in multiple games that he farms in his spare time.

(No larger image, sorry)

The point I’m trying to make here is that Wario is not a bad guy. He’s a very smart guy. He’s motivated. If you say that his motivation is greed, take a look at his lifetime accomplishments and realize you are looking at a self-made man.

4. Trouble Spots

Here I will list some of the problem areas that people might use to criticize my argument to Wario’s anarcho-capitalist nature.

In Wario: Master of Disguise, Wario steals the crucial gameplay element (a magic wand) from its owner. This sets in motion the entire plot. Theft is unacceptable, so how can this situation be rectified? Easily. In order to obtain this magic wand, Wario uses his prolific inventing skills to make a helmet that allows him to reach into the TV. This instance is a metaphor for intellectual property and software piracy. As such Wario commits a “theft” but not really a crime. Crisis averted.

In Mario & Wario, Wario is considered the villain. Wario puts a bucket on Mario’s head, and a fairy has to guide Mario around and help him. In Wario’s Woods, Wario casts a spell on the inhabitants of the “Peaceful Forest”, turning them into his minions. Peaceful creatures were no longer welcome in the woods. So, is Wario the unequivocally the bad guy here? NOPE. These particular instances actually stink of statist propaganda and it’s not difficult to dissect the metaphor. Mario having a bucket on his head, or a “spell” being cast on people is in reference to the concept of “wage slavery” or unenlightened proletariat. Wario is framed as a villain, much like all capitalists are considered villains by leftist armchair Marxists. Further and more devious, the fact that Mario is guided by a fairy in this case appears to be a defense of welfare state nannying. The canon interpretation of this game can be considered propaganda.

In Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins, Wario is the main antagonist because he has stolen Mario’s castle. However, this game is played in the perspective of Mario and as such is also biased in support of Mario. Ask yourself how many games you can recall that have Mario living in a castle. Mario lives in a small house. This is supported by many games like Mario RPG and the Mario & Luigi series. Mario visits many castles, but lives in none. This false claim of theft is merely an accusation and cannot actually be proven. The castle was either unoccupied to begin with or originally Wario’s and stolen by Mario. Note that the setting for SML2 also appears in no other Mario games. Wario’s castle, however, appears in many Wario games and appears almost identical in each iteration.

So, we blame theft on Wario?

…right. Mario is a chump. Typical parasitic prole scum.

5. Conclusion

Not much more really needs to be said. I think Wario really said it best: “I’m the best!” He’s right, and he knows it.

ArtStation - White city jan 2019, Laurent Palmier