DazeyJayne

So today has taken my mood in a better direction. i need to thank the angels for answering my prayers, but not in the way I expected...

Last night while i was trying to get to sleep i got myself all worked up about the fact that i was meeting Eric today to close down our joint Bank account. i wanted to be able to hold myself together when I saw him. Be the me that he grew to love, but also be able to accept the situation as it is and let him go.  I knew if I was a blubbering mess then it wouldn’t help at all, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to hold it together. i knew if i tried to convince him to give me a second chance it would only push him away further, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to bite my tongue. i’ve said it before; i suck at taking my own advice. So I prayed to the angles to help me through today. I prayed that today I would be able to move forwards and be strong in front of Eric.

The Angels answered my prayers, but they went about it in such a way, I have to smile :)

This morning when i woke I called Eric to check on the plan. Of course he didn’t answer, so I went off to have a bath. When I returned he had messaged me to inform me that he had far more important things to do today and may have to take a rain check. We messaged back and forth a little and he was kinda mean to me; Not calling me names or anything but just a little harsh. he wouldn’t know, but i was pretty upset and had a slight anxiety attack. I was worrying about the bills and how he could possibly resent me so much. i attempted to pull myself together and hopped on a train to Bournemouth to pack up some things at the flat ready for storage.

Eric and i smoked a lot when we were together and on my journey to the flat I received a message from a dealer and mate of Eric about bits that he had in. i’ve not been smoking since i moved out but figured i’d grab a little just to cheer myself up slightly.  So I went over and picked up. i really fancied a spliff and mateys girlfriend was talking to me about my situation with Eric so I rolled one up and smoked it while I was there. 

When i left, Eric had messaged me saying ‘enjoy your smoke’ and i was literally like.... ‘hey?’ i didn’t reply. i just didn’t know what to think about it. What on earth did he send me that for? Obviously he’s heard what I just did but why on did he feel the need to message me and say that? What kind of game is he playing then? Earlier I was pretty cool with him when he was telling me he couldn’t meet me. I did try to persuade him not to cancel and was like ‘this is important’  but then i was like ‘OK do what you have got to do’ he came back with ‘stop hassling me, give me room!’ which kind of made me slightly confused. I’d ended the conversation and he was saying ‘stop hassling me.’ alright then? So why the fuck does he feel the need to message me now telling me to enjoy my smoke?

I’m pretty sure he is just being bitter now. I can’t really tell exactly how he’s feeling towards me but it would seem that he doesn’t like me very much and he’s pouring salt in the wound intentionally. It’s such a shame really because I thought he was such a nice boy.

It woke me up though. It gave me the knock i deserved. What on earth am I doing crying every day for this guy who clearly no longer gives a toss about me. I am better than this. i should aim for better. It’s about time that I pick myself up and move on forwards. I’ve learned a lesson from all of this and i can keep on going and get to the next chapter. the angels answered my prayers and I am grateful to them.

They gave me a shove in the right direction! Ok I’m not going to pretend I don’t completely miss Eric. But that hard heavy feeling in my chest has lifted a lot and i can see that light at the end of the tunnel again. Theres a positive vibe inside me and it feels great :)

Today was a big step. I had two of my best friends help me and my aching heart pack my clothes up and move into Annettes spare room. The past few days alone with no Eric has been torture so leaving is a step closer to letting go.

There’s been an awful lot of tears on my part today and for the last week. I know I talk about ‘embracing change’ and ‘moving forwards’ but knowing that I have bought this entire situation upon myself is rather devastating. It didn’t help that I caught some sort of flu in the middle of it.

My efforts to keep upbeat are failing. Every moment of positivity is immediately followed by a pain in my chest that has doubled in size. As if my heart is punishing my mind for daring to be happy.

It’s going to have to be a case of taking each day as it comes for the rest of 2016. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m missing Eric so much that the thought of the Yachts just isn’t exciting to me right now. 

I have such a fantastic group of friends who are surrounding me and supporting me and I don’t know what I’d be doing if I didn’t have them. I’m sure that they will tire from my waves of sadness soon enough so I have begun removing myself from the room every time I feel another rush of emotional agony coming on. unfortunately it hasn’t gone unnoticed. 

I know pain is a medicine in its own form. This will help me grow and I already know that I am a better person from it. I’m aware that it’s going to take me to where I need to be. it’s a journey. Times a healer. I get it. All that I know won’t stop this pain.

I have a theory that you can’t move on unless you want to move on, but I am in denial and i can accept that. i know deep down he’s never coming back and I also know deep down that he will. It’s a very confusing time. I don’t want to let go and make another mistake. 

Do you ever walk right into a mistake? like you see it coming.. you know your going to regret what your doing but you do it anyway and then kick yourself for not truly believing what you knew all along.

I’m a sucker for not taking my own advice.

I’m pretty young but I’ve had a lot of relationship experience. I know how it works. i know how to play the game and I know how quickly the tables can turn. Despite my wisdom, I still don’t play by the rules.

I’m a free spirit. I act on how I feel. I’m always looking for happiness in other places and I’d failed to see that it was right there in front of me. The point is that I knew I was failing to see what was in front of me. I knew this day would come. I would have bet money on it given the opportunity.

I watched the heart break of a man who loved me. for months and months he tried to change my mind, but I was sure we weren’t right for each other. I was sure I was missing out on my dreams.

And all through our relationship i sweat the small stuff. I let those stupid irrelevant annoying habits of his get to me and I grew bitter. I snapped at him and my words were hurtful. i blamed him for my own unhappiness. and through it all he loved me. He always showed me affection and always made me feel loved.

It wasn’t good enough for me. I’d left a life I loved for him and I wouldn’t let him forget it. i thought I’d made a mistake.

He left me today. He didn’t come home last night after work, he came home today and packed his things and left. He finally moved out like i asked him to months ago. he started seeing a colleague of his a month back and I knew it but I didn’t have the right to ask. When it was confirmed two days ago my world was crushed. He’d been working so late. I was missing him. I’d been doubting this break up and knowing that the time was upon us. The tables were about to turn. And turn they did. 

Now I’m alone again. The one person in the world who loved me the most has gone and i can’t feel bitter because i pushed him to it. 

I know this feeling very well. it’s going to pass. I know it will. this is karma at its best and I should be grateful for it. That pain though. That horrid ache in your chest like a heavy rock attached to chains pulling on your mind, slowly sinking. 

Somewhere in between

Something done and something unseen.

Like cold turkey moving onto clean.

Fears transfixed on where I’ve been.

Hiding a frown.

On the up but looking down.

Lazing in my Dressing Gown.

Dreaming of beyond this Town.

Wasting days.

Watch TV with eyes a-blaze.

Feeling hope behind my daze.

Tell myself it’s just a faze.

I’m broke.

Surrounded in a cloud of smoke.

Regret in my throat as I choke.

Just one more toke.

Like a chore.

Something I do more and more.

It’s encouraged by the flaw

That presses hard upon my core.

without a doubt,

I’ll find that flaw and rip it out.

I’ll cry and pray and scream and shout

They welcome each side of the sun

In one night as one

A moment to be begun.

A time never undone.

Below the moon each mind is open,

Enlightened in lifes token.

A fire has awoken.

A love is left unspoken

‘Last they pass, two sole ships meeting,

Beneath stars clouds are creeping.

Night sky a fire heating.

The moment is fleeting.

One moment in time will never end.

Broken hearts will amend.

Though distances now ascend,

It’s a pleasant winters day, if not a little windy. I haven’t really looked out the window yet but I can see the sun forcing its way out from behind the clouds and I imagine the remnants of the beautiful selections of Brown, Orange and Red autumn leaves that lay across the pavements and I picture people smiling as they pass by. The day has a positive feel to it. I can hear the cars rushing by on the busy streets below my window and the sound of angry winds crashing against the walls of my home that come and go like waves. Its just turned midday and I am still in a ‘Just got out of bed’ state. dressing gown and pjs are on. I’m flexed out on the Sofa in my Living Room, which is a little messy from my being lazy yesterday. I want to play a little music from Eric’s Playstation 4 but it needed updating, so that’s what I’m waiting for. I listened to some Milky Chance tracks that I hadn’t heard before last night. It was love at first hearing.  Which I was happy about because I’ve listened to their Sadnecessary album so many times that I didn’t really listen any more. Excellent; Playstation is up and running. I’m listening to Song Ohne Namen which is now my new favourite song. I’ve got work at 4pm so my dazed state will be short lived. I need to leave at 3pm to catch the train so soon I’ll need to think about getting ready, sorting out food for the next couple of days and packing my overnight bag. I’m doing a sleep shift and then working until 6pm tomorrow evening.

Life has remained relatively the same over the last few days but their have been some changes as fas as my mind is concerned; I’m starting to get the feeling that I should hold back pursuing a return to the yacht industry until after Christmas and just have some fun with my family and friends for a few more weeks. There’s a few events coming up at home and the Christmas period at work should be quite fun. I can finally have a Christmas at home and if I move in with Annette I can spend more time with her and my other friends because she lives right where I grew up. currently with my lack of a driving licence and SouthWest Trains being stupidly overpriced; I have become a bit of a recluse living here in Bournemouth. It would be nice to have some fun at home before I go away.

I have had a tiny bit of interest from yachts; I got short listed for an interview for one based in the East and then I got a confusing email through yesterday from a yacht company I hadn’t heard of about a one way video interview. There was a job description but no information about the yacht itself and so I wasn’t really sure about it. I didn’t 100% fit their stated crew requirements either so I haven’t acted on the email yet. I still have my CV up on a couple of agencies. I figured I’d leave myself open for opportunity but not really pursue it until after Christmas.