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I created a new blog. I can't corrupt this one anymore. I'll be re-following you guys throughout the day. If you want to continue to follow along with my current shitshow and read along with the unraveling of a life once lived, let me know and I'll send you a link to the new blog. If not, I understand.
In the best of times, I could really murder a moment or a day by overthinking a conversation, interaction or absence of something expected. Now, in the worst of times, I massacre the seconds of everyday because overthinking is the new normal. But that's not the worst part. The worst part is knowing your right.
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I had a breakdown yesterday. I had panic attacks yesterday at my mother's new apartment. I thought of having to move back there and start over. I thought of checking into mental institution. I thought of checking out. I've come to the realization that I am only bringing negativity to those around me. I am exuding nothing positive. I am the subject of anger, worry,depression, resentment, nervousness, pity, stress, and apathy to those who know me. I have no release. I don't even know what I would if I did. I was drenched by a man not paying attention to his hose while washing his car today. I didn't even get mad, even when he noticed and ran over to apologize. I told him to get away from me and kept walking. I have become, maybe always been, a doormat. I am fighting with every fucking ounce of my body and mind to keep everything together. I find everyday is harder than the last. I stopped looking toward tomorrow. I discover a new obstacle to overcome, a new problem to fix everyday. I am a walking problem. I don't want sympathy, I want to be allowed to feel what's there. I have love in inside me. I have the kind of love that can scorch the Earth for my family. I'm not pure, or innocent, or perfect, but my love is. I think about that when I lay awake at night. I use that to get me out of bed. I am fractured shell of myself. I am depression, anger, worry, nervous, resentment, pity, and stress. I know who I am.
I mentioned the other day that I've added anxiety attacks to my repertoire of crazy. As much fun as that has been, this morning I upped the ante by throwing up during an attack this morning. The cause of the attacks? The pattern seems to be, when I think of the various scenarios where I am no longer the husband and father I want to be (if that's vague enough), looping memories of many years ago that will never stop, and a current constant uncontrollable issue that gets worse at every instance (vague again, whatever). Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, clammy palms, can't sit still, and now, vomit. Welcome to Fuckedupville Jared, we've been expecting you.
I came onto Tumblr to reply to some messages and noticed my number of followers has increased from the last time I looked at it from 22,397 to 22,559. Everyone loves a train wreck right? Well, I don't know how much I'll be posting, maybe more, maybe none (I'm leaning toward the latter for now), but it sure will be fun to watch won't it?
Anyone taking bets on my crazy? What are my odds here?
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Sorry if you're on a phone or tablet, there's a read more thing here. It's gonna get a little vague too so may as well just keep going.
I've run out of places and people to turn to for help. Everyone I know out here in the world of flesh and blood, really wants nothing to do with me. Old friends, family, everyone just can't be bothered for whatever reason. I don't know what I did, maybe nothing, but it doesn't matter. They don't give a shit anyway. Not even enough to fake it for a five minute conversation about nothing. I'm not even looking to unload a world of problems on them, I just want to a few minutes of distraction. But they really can't bear to give that much. It's ok, I'm sure I'll get used it, like everything else. But I'll be fucked if it does't hurt a lot. Another spear in the ribs.
I took/am taking a break from Tumblr for many reasons. One of which I have a hard time of sticking to, but I just can't help myself. I've taken to writing in an old notebook as opposed to Tumblr, not that it really helps in the slightest, but I feel I need to do something. I have to right? So, going to the internet or a piece of paper makes me feel unwelcome and weird. Sort of how I feel in real life. Only a lot worse. So much worse than that. I'm posting this here because, honestly, I'm just too tired to move the pen around the page right now.
I break down several times day, have been for a few weeks now. I don't know how well I hide it. I wonder if Christina can see that when she comes home from work? I haven't been eating well at all. I lost 20 pounds this month. I don't sleep well tfor a few reasons. One of which is I'm scared of what I'm going to hear next. Wether it's words or silence, it's never good. I'm trapped in my own head and a slave to my emotions. I feel like my silence is detrimental to everything, but my voice creates more potholes in an already rocky road. Damned if I do, fucked if I don't. I can't seem to get a handle on things. My brain is running a mile a minute and doesn't stop. It's torture.
And then came the anxiety attacks. In a not so surprising turn of fucked up events, I started getting anxiety attacks. I got 3 throughout the day yesterday, each lasting longer that the last. I wound up finally falling asleep around 3:45am. Is there anything we can possibly throw on this shit pile? Is there any other obstacle I should overcome before getting to where I want to be? Happy. Strong. Loved.
I went to my first therapy session on Saturday for my first step toward getting well. It went as well as you might expect. An intro, why I'm there, and a see ya next week. I know it's just part of the process, I'm just questioning how long I can hold out during all this waiting, how long Christina can hold out. I'm hopeful things will be on the right path very soon. I don't have a distraction. I don't have that little mental break where I can escape it all, even for a few minutes. It's a constant bombardment of emotions, memories, and fears. And panic attacks. Not eating. Barely sleeping. Never a quiet moment and too much silence all at the same time. I'd scream right now if it didn't look so stupid on the screen.
And there's the 11 hours of alone time with Dylan. Dealing with the crumbling of one's world makes good parenting seem impossible. I'm trying my best for him, of course it's not good enough, but then again, has my best ever been? When Christina comes home from work, she's much better at that than I am. Again, that's no surprise though.
I cannot properly explain or express all the sad, angry, guilty, worried, and anxious feelings that fight for room in my head every second of the day, so I won't even try.
To those who have reached to me, I cannot tell you much I appreciate it. I know I haven't answered everyone, but that's because I read your messages and they're actually nice enough to make me sad. And these days, writing through tears is too hard. Speaking of which, I think it's time to go now.
Anon is back on. There's no need to create fake fucking blogs to get to me. No need to harass Christina anymore. Leave her the fuck alone, you faceless fucking zero. You have something to say to me, about me, about my problems, my marriage, go the fuck ahead and ask away. I'm fucking fed up with the amount shit I have and currently swallow, but I'll gladly take this shit away from Christina. I might deserve it, but she doesn't.
Call me an asshole. Call me pathetic. Tell me my wife doesn't love me and is going to leave. Go ahead and tell me how great she is while pushing me down. What else you got? There's nothing you can say that I haven't thought before. Gimmie a new one to chew on you fuck. I'm waiting.
I feel like I'm nose deep in shit and my lifelines are too far to reach. These past weeks have been a roller coaster of mild highs and some low lows. Currently, I'm riding the lowest low. I am barely able to get out of bed in the morning, and spend the day on autopilot. My failures as a father, husband, and human being, and there are many, have caught up with me ten-fold and I am reaping the consequences. Constantly teetering between unrecognizable rage and fucking soul crushing sadness is no way to go through the day, especially considering my love for Christina and Dylan. But it's happening anyway. It's the love that images hurt so fucking much. The isolating feelings, terrifying future, and awful thoughts have been making my days alone with Dylan so difficult. I can't even fake it anymore. He doesn't deserve a father like that. Who thinks the way I do. Christina doesn't deserve a husband like that. They are perfect in my eyes.
I am seeking help, but I fear I need much more then anyone can provide. I tried to save myself, but I couldn't. I made things worse. I'm trying to make things better.
I need to walk away from this site because it makes me so sad. I see the things I used to write about and how I felt, and it's so different now. I see the things a lot you guys write, and I just get jealous. I see the things Christina writes and it makes me sad. I just can't add anymore to my eyes and heart right now. I can't even look at Christina or Dylan without wanting to crumble to my knees. I just can't add anything else to that feeling.
I hope to come back sooner than later. Maybe I'll change my mind in 10 minutes, who knows. But as of now, just imagine I'm hearting all your posts. I'm pretty sure Christina isn't going anywhere, so I know you guys are getting the better half.
I wanted to post a public "Thank You" to everyone for their support, comments, and messages. If you follow me and/or Christina, you know there are a lot things going on these days. Too many negatives, not enough positives. There are things I haven't shared here that are also happening but I guess some of my recent posts have reflected that. The days are long, and the nights longer. Normally, I would bury myself in something to distract me, but this time I'm letting myself feel the flood. For better or worse, that's what I'm doing. I've been spotty on Tumblr and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Sometimes it's hard for me to read and see some of the posts that come up, so I punch out for a bit. But despite that, many of you have showed your support and encouragement despite not knowing the full scope of the situation. That's special, and I really appreciate it.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Youre a fucking piece of shit and I hope you choke on a dick. That goes double if youre someone I talk to on a regular basis. Stick five dicks in every orifice and pump.
So, messaging my wife was your next step? How's that working out for you so far?
I get it, you're digging on Christina and you don't like me. But I'm wiling to bet it all and say a few anon messages trying to bring me down isn't going to get you any closer to her, or push me further away. Your messages are the joke. You attempts at...whatever the fuck it is your trying, is the joke. Go fuck your own face.
baratheonpilled
prguitarman
dededos
