Sunny-D Photography

These things are not initial reactions to everything. Fuck you society stop trying to make me perform acceptable/preferred emotions when things are beyond difficult and shitty. 

I’m not a negative person, I’m not an unhappy person, but ever so rarely things beyond my control blow up in my face and I’m tired of hearing, “Well you can be happy and you can be more positive.” 

Being sad and not necessarily positive is authentic emotion and maybe sometimes I’m tired of hiding behind in-genuine feelings, I can’t keep numbing myself because others expect me to.

There is a nest inside me. It has hatched and there are wings, needs, and cries scraping my chest and my heart. 

There is an ocean inside me. I can’t breathe, it is taking, strong and full of heavy waves flooding my mind.

There is a flower inside me, it is dormant, it is bloom less, and it is colorless. It is not full of virtue. 

There is a canyon inside me, it is empty, it is hollow, it is arid. It is plenty with rock slides and vulnerability.

There are whispers within me. They are deceiving, yet gentil and filled with secrets.

There are scars on me. They’re healed, their stories are obscure, they’re damage is displayed.

There is lacking in me, lack of sleep, lack of purpose, full of violent reminders.

But it’s okay, I’ve accepted it, it’s beautiful, I am liberated,

but here is why I have found my new freedom:

I just discovered I am building interest on a student loan daily (silly me, I thought it was monthly, like everything else in the world, but no my adulthood is a joke, like my life).

So the interest in about $2.36 daily, which will grow as my debt grows because interest is based on percentage. So after another 6 months of me not having enough money to securely pay anything on a loan to even cover the interest and feed myself as well (but hey do I really need food if I have no financial future to begin with?), it will obviously increase. Currently I’m about $73 a month merely interest, after a few more months that’ll be about $90 and it will grow again, etc. So to even put a dent in the loan after paying the interest currently I would have to pay $74-$75 and that will only realistically put $1 towards the actual loan, ideally to $84-$85 just to take of a decent $9-$10 off the loan.

And I know what you’re thinking, GET A JOB LOSER, stop sitting on your ass, what’s stopping you?

Well I have a temporary job right now (before that all I could find was minimum wage jobs that only offered 12 hours a week), I have a job (it pays about $900/month, my rent is $435, my other bills are another $200, but again do I really need to eat? Do I need a soda/beer/cocktail after a long day? Do I need any sort of social interaction, probably not, I’ll just hermit to put aside possibly $100 for any savings or maybe the loan, who needs a savings? I won’t be going to the hospital for any reason right? I won’t have a flat tire?) for the next 6 months, but guess what, out of the 370+ jobs (I applied for in one year), this temporary job is the only one I received. Granted my resume could use some polish, it’s not bad, but fuck it, I take full responsibility, I should have put money (once again that I didn’t have) towards some more unpaid summer internships in other places, you know put $100-$200+ towards a destination in gas or a ticket to fly, another $250+ on a long-term hotel (a really cheap one), or (again a really cheap) deposit on an apartment to live (don’t forget the rent for 3 months) at while I work for free for 3 months, don’t forget the food expenses. There is too much lack of a fuck to even calculate that at this moment. 

You know what though?

I can sell my car (a 2012 model) and pay off...approximately 2/3, have no transportation, but less crippling, building interest. Just a candle at the end of the tunnel, not the light, not, but a little candle because after that I will have added many years to my life where I won’t have to pay debt  until I die.

“I’m going to fight these elections with my art.”

NO, that’s cute, but NO. There’s been so much art and it’s great, like I LOVE art, I make art myself, but that’s stupid.