BUTTHOLE EYES

troye: you're smarter than you look, davidson.

I guess it was just.. a sudden urge to talk to you and to see you again. I don’t know maybe I just.. I guess sometimes I miss our connection. Is that crazy?

Believe me, I know crazy, and that ain’t it. Romantic or not, nobody can deny that the connection we had was fuckin’ strong, and for as little as it lasted, it definitely made us happy, so...no, not crazy. We’re all just out here chasing some form of happiness, right? I just figured you had enough good people around you to ever need to talk to me again? 

You know, I was kind of looking forward to just seeing my profile along your back and now i’m just let down here. Which dire wolf is it, though? Maybe you can redeem yourself here a bit, sir. I got a whole bunch of stuff from the set so just come scoop them whenever you want. If I see them on EBay I’ll be acting like I know nothing when the Game of Thrones people try to call me. Damn, how did you know my selling point was humor and good looks?

Don’t tempt me, ma’am. I met Hillary Clinton once and got her face tattooed on my leg - what followed was a long, secret, sordid love affair, but we don’t talk about that. ( Some even say it inspired Taylor Swift’s ‘Sad, Beautiful, Tragic’ ). Also please don’t ask me such silly questions - you didn’t expect that I’d be sober while getting that dire wolf ink only six episodes into the first season, did you? I wouldn’t be surprised to learn they just grabbed a photo off Google images of a regular wolf and traced it. Bet, and if you see them going from someone on eBay with the username David Peterson - for all you know, he’s a used car salesman from Michigan, no relation to me at all. Apparently, humor and mediocre looks are this seasons ‘tall, dark and wealthy’, they don’t even need to be good looks. 

It’s all apart of the Shawn Mendes charm, Pete. All in the hair and the eyes, you know? Really charm the people with this boyish charm I got going for me. I mean, it still kinda sucks but I’m slowly building myself back up here since she cheated on me with the one guy she told me not to worry about. Trying not to dwindle too much on it because I can’t care about a girl that clearly didn’t about me. Still kinda stings.

I’m sure the abs and voice of an angel got nothing to do with it, at all. That...seriously fucking sucks, dude, I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine how insane and paranoid that would make me going forward. I’m sure everyone’s already saying it - but it really is her loss. I hope you don’t think everyone else is gonna take you for granted like that.

Kiernan: Well, I hope it goes well for you. I'm not even looking forward to picking up the courage to talk to him again.

Kiernan: I'm telling you, I don't need the ring. Just the money and the sex

Kiernan: hey, i didn't say i would NEVER give it back. just that i don't see it happening for a while

Kiernan: besides its cold as fuck in new york???? everything you wear is oversized so it's like a warm comfy dress on me that i don't need to wear pants with :)

Pete: honestly kiernan, you've done literally nothing wrong, so you don't need any pre-thought out message to come back with. literally just text him one day like "consider this a blessing".

Pete: smh, you get your face on one seasons smartwater promos and suddenly the golddiggers come out of the woodwork. you just want a lifetime supply of free bottled water huh i know your game

Now-a-days people think they’re cool if they don’t like something everyone else does. They feel like they’re finally “different and original” because they are saying they hate something that’s actually good. Social media is a huge reason, I think, too. People get really bold behind a screen because no one can see them or know who they are. I mostly just use my social media stuff to post stuff of Redford or keep up with my friends’ stuff and promo my own things. The haters can stay mad as i ignore them. Real talk though, Petey, if you ever need me I’m here. I’ll be your protector forever. We didn’t start the DavidCo Defense Squad for nothin’.

I heard we’re all pretendin’ to not like Ed Sheeran anymore because he got too ‘mainstream’? Not like everyone knows in an industry that’s always changing you probably gotta adapt and sell out a little if you wanna keep doing what you’re doing. I fully believe that, too - I know you’re the kinda person who’d be like the best fuckin’ friend to have and lean on, so this is a win for me. 

I promise. As long as I’ve made my point and you rescind all claims of Cami being Hufflepuff…I’ll let this go.

I’d put out a formal apology video online if I could. So, screenshot this, tweet it, do whatever you must: I, Pete Davidson am regretful to inform you all of some sloppy decisions I made on the eve of the 16th November and hereby suggest you all entrust any future Hogwarts housing with Lili Pauline Reinhart. I am deeply embarrassed that I could’ve been so blinded in telling Camila Carraro Mendes to ‘wear a yellow skirt or somethin’ when I should’ve asked for proof of a pre-completed personality test first. 

Cami: don't be rude.

Cami: okay, okay. i can take a hint. i won't push. mmm, i know you are. i'm just teasing.

Cami: bahahaha poor thing. she'll move along eventually. you'll survive. i promise.

Pete: 404: request not found.

Pete: i just breathed out a sigh of relief, fr. i just wanna start moving on from it all.

I don’t think that can be classified as needs. Kim can buy literally anything, maybe Staten Island will humble her. Besides, that technically makes you the Prince Harry of Staten Island and that’s pretty much as good as you’re going to get from anyone. That kind of title doesn’t come around very often! Wear it with pride before SI turns it’s back on you again. I guess you could move into my new place in Studio City… but you’re not allowed to make it gross or have like wild orgies with your zillions of cougars you seem to attract. I already rented one out to a friend of a friend, Jacob Elordi. I guess I could handle you both since you’re not there all the time.

Would you call not shitting your pants a luxury? Literally anything? Well fuck, why doesn’t she just buy all of Staten Island - I’m sure it’s on the market for a whopping fifty dollars. So I’m getting demoted now? Master Judd Apatow already dubbed me the king, and what that man says goes. I’m not here to fuck around with no Prince Harry title, fuck. Although...you know that scene in one of the Ice Ages where Sid the Sloth thinks he’s the king when really his minions are just trying to toss him into a fiery pit of lava? I’m mildly aware that that’s my relationship with the people of SI. They’ve been wanting to roast me on a spit for years. Ah yes, the Aussie giraffe of my dreams - I’ve known the dude for a while actually, we’ve always got along like a dream, despite the whole sharing an ex thing. I’m sure he pulls in more attention than me, so...if he’s allowed his Kaia’s and Zendaya’s round, justice for me and my cougars. I’ll soundproof the walls real good?

Cami: i thought i might switch it up and ask the birthday boy.

Cami: if you're upset, it matters. it's your party and you'll mope if you want to!! aw, petey. look at you getting all sweet on me. yeah, i did still manage to have a good time!! i always do.

Pete: cheap-ass.

Pete: honestly, when aren't i upset though lmao? sad's my norm, so it's fine cami seriously. idkwym i'm a damn sweetheart all the time ??

That is…shameful. And you call yourself the ultimate Potter fan? You decided she was a Hufflepuff because her favorite color is yellow? Pete, sit down.

She’s clearly a Gryffindor. One, she’s outspoken as heck and is constantly speaking her mind and she loves being the center of attention. That’s also the Brazilian in her, but still, very Gryffindor traits. She’s incredibly loyal which, yes, could also be considered a Hufflepuff trait but she’s loyal to the point where she’d cut a bitch if you even looked at someone she loved wrong. She’s stubborn and brave and daring and adventurous. She’s constantly pushing you out of your comfort zone. She’s Gryffindor. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

If I get into a little ball on the ground and start crying and repeating how ‘gryffindor as fuck’ Cami is do you promise to spare me my life? I’m a lil afraid of you right now, not gonna lie. Please, ‘o powerful Reinhart, I don’t want no smoke, I just had a lot of shit to think about that day.

troye: HOW DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT I WAS DOING?

Just callin’ it like I see it, man. Note to self: tell Pete you got a date with a Hipogriff and run in the other direction. Damn Slytherins, can never trust ‘em. It’s the arms, I think. Been working out post break up and I guess it paid off a bit, didn’t it? A free concert for the masses is a sure fire way to get everyone loving you. I could have dressed up like that on wizarding band from the fourth film. It would have been fire, but now my dreams are crushed.

The only excuse I’ll ever accept for anyone to bail on me - I’d just wanna know how you even managed to charm another species without being able to talk to them...must be the hair. Aw, dude, I’m sorry to hear that. Or...am I sorry? Are we sad or are we celebrating? What’s the vibe here?

Metaphors are just apart of my charm and we all know it. That would have been fuckin’ hilarious, mate. Could you imagine just everyone showing up in fur coats and the park people are just there looking like a bunch of standing person emojis? Iconic. Wait, you have a Game of Thrones tattoo? You must show me, like, now. I think you and your poodle would ROCK it as Sansa and a dire wolf. Make it your costume for next year. Might even have some Sansa stuff around the house you can use. Aww, are you trying to hook me up with your friends, Peterson? I’m feeling loved right now.

Well, I mean...I did. It’s kinda fading into the abyss now because I’m getting all my tats removed, but you can still see it, it’s a dire wolf on my arm - you disappointed it’s not just one of your face all across my back? Damn, if I was getting to wear authentic pieces, how could I even consider any other costume? I’m sold. I just like seeing funny people with funny people, you know? There’s nothing more fun than watching them vibe, and even if I get to witness it just for a night? Yeah, I’m buying front row seats. He’s pretty easy on the eyes too, if that helps?

Cami: according to lili i should've asked her which house i'm part of. she does not agree with you.

Cami: who missed out on the birthday party of the year? i wouldn't have missed it for anything.

Pete: i'm surprised you didn't, don't you girls always need to confer on what you're wearing before you go out ?? and you trusted me of all people ??