David Hadley

We will never forget these times. In the years long after we have gone to the far lands those that come after us, our children’s children and their children, will remember the long times. Already we are making the dances that will show these times, and the words for the songs of this time are already forming on our lips.

It is hard to remember the seasons now. It has been a long time since the…

‘Hang on.’

‘What now?’

‘What about my backstory?’

‘Your… what?’

‘My backstory. How did I get here?’

‘You came through that door. You ought to remember, it was only a paragraph ago.’

Tara, the protagonist sighed. ‘No not that. My character, how did I get to become the world’s greatest secret agent?’

‘Do we have to go into this now? You are in the antagonist’s lair after all.’

‘I know. That’s part…

The Girl of My Dreams

I first saw Gillian in my dreams.

I didn’t know her name then of course. She was just a figure I saw in the background of some occasional dreams. I had already half-forgotten her before I noticed her – if that makes sense. I slowly became aware of her in the background of my dreams. I used to have dreams about parties, things like that. Gillian would be there in the background of those dreams,…

If I were the one telling this story, I would not begin here. There is too much that remains untold about her. For example, many call her Marily, but that was not her name, not then, not now. I was there. I was there at the real beginning of the story, and I am here now. She has promised me I will be with her when the end comes.

Both of us know that does not give us very long.

We like to tell…

The Power of Numbers

Think of a number….

No, not that one… how could you?

We all know the sort of mind that thinks of a number like that… don’t we?

Of course, it is all well and good thinking of that particular number when you are young, and… shall we say… a bit frisky.

But when you get to our age.

Well, it hardly seems… fitting.

And you can take that look off your face. You know what I mean.

After all, from around…

The Victorians and Black Pudding

Of course, back then everyone knew the name of Stirruppump ‘Nickname’ Paradiddle. Nickname, as he was always known in the media of the day was one of the Victorian era’s greatest adventurers and explorers. In an era known for its men – and scandalously, on occasions, women – willing to give it all up and set off for the great unexplored regions of the world, Paradiddle stood out as one of the…

Marmosets in the wainscoting can be quite an awkward thing to have to deal with, but – fortunately – it is not often a problem that besets rural folk to the extent it seems to plague city dwellers.

No, out here in the wild untamed lands far beyond any supermarket car park, where city dwellers fear to tread* we have far more dangerous infestations, but leaving Grand Uncle Stagnant to one side for…

National Lemon Meringue Pie Day

As you all probably know by now, today is National Hand a Lemon Meringue to a Structural Engineer Day. After the media blitz of the last few weeks when it seemed every other news story, or media advert contained either a lemon meringue, a structural engineer, or both in some hastily contrived situation, it is good that the day is now actually here.

No doubt over the next few hours there will be…

It is not always obvious.

If it were, she’d no doubt complain that it was in the way all the time, blocking her view of the TV or dangling in her breakfast porridge, or something like that.

Luckily though, most of the time it is unobtrusive, going about its own life in its own way.

After all, it is not like the teenage years when it is always there, always ready, always on alert like some early…

Common or Garden Perversions

Of course, the most obvious difficulty with common or garden perversions is often that what is suitable for a common, or other area of open ground such as a park, wasteland, supermarket car park or sports pitch, is not suitable for a garden, or vice-versa.

To take an example at random, the frequent use of trellising in garden-based perversions is not appropriate for common-based perversions as…

I stared at it.

It wasn’t mine.

I know hands do look very similar to each other. But this one wasn’t mine. Nor was my left hand when I looked at that.

After all, I am thirty-seven. By now, I should know what my own hands look like. These weren’t them… either of them.

There wasn’t much else I could see, apart from the hands that weren’t mine. The arms they were attached to weren’t mine either.

Aft…

Of course, being in the heart of rural England means that we here at Little Frigging do not have all that much call for deep-sea perversions, at least during the normal run of events. Such things as multi-porpoise lubricants, codpieces and squid restraints are not often discussed, even during the late night sessions down at The Pervert’s Appendage. That is, except when Old Feebletrousers brings…

The Book of Cheese

‘And so it came to pass on the second Tuesday after Donkeymass Eve, that Stan the Bloke left his cheese crackers on the shelf in his pantry.’

As religious texts go, this was not the most inspiring, transcendental or luminous opening. But since its rediscovery in the latter half of the eighteenth century by Josiah ‘Sanitation’ Herbaceous, the Book of Cheesebecame one of the most influential holy…

Toast Stoataffronter is now not really one of the most famous of people. After all, neither you nor I have ever heard of him before. However, I have discovered just how famous – or, rather, infamous – he became during the Victorian era and its immediate aftermath, and that is only because I discovered his Secret Diary whilst rummaging through a box taken down from Grand Uncle Stagnant’s old attic.

The Rise of the Robots

It may look like that in a certain light, but then what do you expect these days?

They – whoever they are – say you get what you pay for, and I’m certainly paying for it now.

As you are too… probably, if you made the same mistake.

After all, the adverts promised a life-changing experience.

Although, the thousand if not millions of us who bought one didn’t think it would be a life change for the…

It Was a Dream that Held Us Close in Our Falling

It was a dream that held us close in our falling. Shandra’s silent scream lost in the churning as we fell over and over, around and around, clutching each other close as we fell through the nothingness. We had dreamt together a few times before. The Dream Masters had – they said – chosen us for this one dream because we dreamt so well together.

The Dream Master’s did not say, but we could tell…

Little Frigging Women’s Royal Volunteer Perversion Services

  Recent events have brought along with them a new sense of austerity in this great country of ours, which even we here in Little Frigging have not let go by unnoticed. So, the ladies of the Little Frigging Women’s Royal Volunteer Perversion Services (WRVPS) have been using their last few meetings to discuss various ways off introducing more home-made perversions into the regular weekly village…