MISCELLANEOUS SENTENCE STARTERS
âThe planet is fine. The people are fucked.â
âWhen anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, âThanks for being a fan.â Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.â
âI did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.â
âBlood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.â
âAccept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.â
âLove means never having to say youâre sorry for a minor stab wound.â
âI just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.â
âIf loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.â
âAh coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.â
âA word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.â
âIf I saw you hitchhiking, Iâd smile and return your thumbâs up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.â
âOh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!â
âI have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.â
âYou know what I like most about people? Pets.â
âThat's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.â
âDo you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?â
âWhat about a compromise? Iâll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, Iâll apologize.â
âThe way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, Iâd be OK.â
âI don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist.â
âI had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald.â
âLove is the jelly to sunshineâs peanut butter. And if I tell you that Iâm in sandwich with you, Iâm not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.â
âOpera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.â
âI want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave.â
âYou should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!â
âYou canât put a price tag on love. But if you could, Iâd wait for it to go on sale.â
âNever trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.â
âYou are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!â
âIf you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around.â
âDo things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.â
âWhoa, who peed in your Cheerios?â
âI wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.â
âToo bad Americans canât export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.â
âI'm placing you under arrest for murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I don't know, possibly littering.â
âFlowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, Iâm currently trying to grow both in my garden.â