datceken

i’m not unhappy about becoming old. i’m not unhappy about what must be. it makes me cry only when i see my friends go before me, and life gets emptied. i don’t believe in an afterlife, but i still fully expect to see my brother again. and it’s like a dream life. i am reading a biography of samuel palmer, which was written by a woman in england. i can’t remember her name. and it’s sort of how i feel now, when he was just beginning to gain his strength as a creative man and beginning to see nature. but he believed in god, you see, and he believed in heaven, and he believed in hell. goodness gracious, that must have made life much easier. it’s harder for us nonbelievers. but, you know, there’s something i’m finding out as i’m aging - that i am in love with the world. and i look right now, as we speak together, out my window in my studio and i see my trees, my beautiful, beautiful maples that are hundreds of years old, they’re beautiful. and you see, i can see how beautiful they are. i can take time to see how beautiful they are. it is a blessing to get old. it is a blessing to find the time to do the things, to read the books, to listen to the music. you know, i don’t think i’m rationalizing anything. i really don’t, since this is all inevitable and i have no control over it. i have nothing but praise now, really, for my life. i mean, i am happy. i cry a lot because i miss people. i cry a lot because they die and i can’t stop them. they leave me and i love them more. … almost certainly, i’ll go before you go, so i won’t have to miss you… i wish you all good things. live your life, live your life, live your life.”