Escape

I was walking on my home, holding my umbrella tight since it was raining moderately, or may be I was just lonely, that I needed to be hugged, I decided to write what I was feeling about, and I though tumblr as my platform. I though of this since it is somehow a safe haven since some people who knows me irl doesn’t really goes here, so I guess, I’m good?

I remember the times that I found comfort in this website, and I wish I could find it again. That old times that I was excited to go home from school, and log into the site, to talk with my virtual friend who gave me much comfort. Oh, I do not have any plans proofreading my content, so....

Anyway, I just wanted to share how fucked up my emotions are. I feel frustrated, and become to get obsessed with a though of suicide? I know, I still resist the urge, however, the temptation to harm myself is knocking daily. I couldn’t pull myself not to open the door. Upon opening this door, it felt like it was controlling my feet, leading to a closed space where these temptations are eating me. 

While I was sitting in front of my office station, negative thoughts barged into my chest. They were spilling these connotations that I was not good enough, that I’m not contributing any good to our team, and how a disappointment I am to them. Nothing is new by the way since I already know these stuff. I already realized it way back. 

You know its becoming to be difficult for me to vent. I wanted to tell these stories to both my partner and closest friends, but I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m just a toxic person to them, who had a lot of dramas, or someone who can’t stood for himself. Sometimes, I’m also scared for myself that whenever I share these, they might not be interested, which could lead me thinking that I’m really bothering them.