Welcome

Do you ever get hit with the unwelcome realization that the rest of your life is going to be like this, and you feel like you've been punched in the gut by the Hulk? Like... you suddenly realize that every, single day of the entire remainder of your life is going to be an exhausting, painful, uphill struggle for survival... and the resulting wave of shock and grief and anger that washes over you is so overwhelming, that you actually feel like you've had the wind knocked out of you?

“There’s just some things you don’t want to talk about, you know? It doesn’t make them go away.”

I don’t think people talk enough about the fatigue that comes with chronic pain. Not only directly, because living with pain is exhausting, but indirectly as well. Like the fact that any time I am moving I have to be monitoring myself. If I get distracted (which, surprise, happens a lot when I’m pain fogged) then I can very easily hurt myself by holding my body incorrectly. I have to think of how I want to hold my body every time I sit, stand up, or walk. Not only am I dealing with my brain endlessly complaining about pain, but I have to protect my body from the clumsy movement of everyday life. It is tired.

We do not remember days, we remember moments.

“I just keep thinking that I should know everything: who I am, what I want, what life is supposed to be like, and it’s just making me crazy that I don’t. And so, when someone doubts me, I just crumble.”