alicia!

all i do is help to make everyone’s life easier and all i get back is criticism, „you’re controlling“ and „i didn’t ask you to“.

i do understand that i can be controlling sometimes, but im working on it and honestly i don’t know what’s controlling when i help making dinner and ask if the fries got turned lol.

i always told myself that i’m too harsh, that you’re really just concerned about my health.

i don’t blame you, it was always my wish to loose some weight too.

so i could look like all the pretty girls. i could dress prettier, get a chance with a boy i like and feel good about myself.

when i started, i felt better and better and now you can really see the first results.

but now you proved me right.

i see it everyday. you’re not just proud of me.

you’re happier about it than i am. you’re always mentioning it to everyone.

how i lost weight, but how i also want to loose some more.

i know i have to.

but when you talk about it you make me feel so worthless. you make me feel like i’m just starting to have worth.

like i was worthless before, like you knew why i never had a boyfriend because who would love someone that is fat right?

i thought okay you’re just proud of me, i’m become the person you always wanted me to be. a skinny one.

but now i see, your biggest fear has changed.

now your biggest fear is not that i’ll never get skinny, your biggest fear is now that i gain weight again.

and you show it to me everyday.

everytime i’m not eating almost nothing, when i want to eat something i crave for once.

you tell me i’m falling back to old habits, when all i want is to eat something i wasn’t allowed to eat for two months because of my operation.

it doesn’t matter if it’s one piece of chocolate or an egg. you’re afraid.

you’re afraid i’ll gain weight again.

and it makes me feel so fucking worthless. everytime you speak about, because you always make sure that i know i’m less worth when i’m fat.

because you never were, right?

you always had to fight being underweight, so you don’t get it.

your eating disorder is so deep that you put it onto me. you’re seeing your biggest nightmare in me.

everyday, everytime.

so all the things you would say to yourself, you’re saying them to me.

you put your insecurities on me, saying you only care about my health.

but you never did, it’s never about health.

tired of always being the ugly side chick to a pretty girl.

tired of being that girl that can’t get a guy falling in love with her.

tired of being the student that is always failing and falling behind.

tired of being asked the same questions over and over again when i don’t know the answer myself.

and i wanna change i really want to but something is always holding me back.

and then i fall back into it after trying for a short amount of time because it never changes.

maybe i’m also afraid of change but i god yes i wish i could make calls to go into therapy i really do.

i think i could be better with that and maybe all my problems can finally be solved and i can get the right medication or whatever.

all these summer people that can’t grasp the beauty of the fall.

for me, i love the fall.

i can hear the rain falling down at night, the wind whistling through the trees and the darkness always had something i enjoyed.

i can drink my tea, watch my favourite show and the air is not too hot, but not too cold either.

in fall, life slows down. i can spend time with myself, just how i like it.

fall inspires me.

whether in summer it’s all hot, bugs everywhere and everyone is meeting, sweaty.

and i’m asking myself, am i really that unloveable?

is it my body? am i too fat? or am i really that unbearable?

i’m so tired of never having anybody.