☽ dark moon recovery ☾

feeling: good, a bit anxious

today was a 7/10

today was a pretty normal day. i'm mostly caught up on school, i finished two assignments (one of which was an essay so i'm really happy that i got that done). ate well today, too, and i went for another run. my mom picked up allergy meds today finally so i'm not sneezing uncontrollably this time :). as a side note, does anyone find they drink so much more water when there's a straw involved? i swear i haven't been this hydrated in so long.

really good news is i made up with the friend i argued with! he said he didn't take it personally which is so relieving, sometimes i forget that not everyone takes things as personally as i do. it was definitely stressful but that's not on my mind anymore which is so great. even though i still do feel a bit bad about losing control of myself, i think the most important thing is that i can make up for what i do wrong. i may never be able to fully control my anger after all, so it's probably more fruitful to focus on what i can control.

feeling: happy

today was an 8/10

my paranoia has been steadily declining to a normal level (for me) after my episode last week, and last night it was low enough that i could pray again :) i'm really not sure whether it's the spiritual aspect of prayer or just the fact that it's very grounding, whether my deities are reaching out to help me or whether my deities are aspects of my own psyche - but either way, it helps. i also wrote down a list of my values to help guide me back to centeredness, i would recommend anyone who sees this to do that! it's a DBT skill, and i can see why. it's much easier to think of what i stand for and what is important to me than who i am. it also helps to better conceptualize long-term goals when we know our values.

i woke up super late still, around 4pm. i didn't feel great when i woke up, but i got out of bed because i remembered i had food. after i ate i spent about two hours trying to convince myself to exercise, as one does. i ended up going for a run! running is one of those things that i always think won't help that much, but it always helps. it's unlike any other form of exercise for me. i think it's the being outside and getting some sun/fresh air, plus the fact that it really satisfies my "flight" instinctual response. i've been stopping to walk a lot on my runs, because i'm a bit out of running shape and also because my allergies are the worst right now, but it still is always worth it!

it's 4:30am right now, i've been working on school since midnight. i actually got five days of calculus done if you can believe it. i'm feeling much more confident now because i don't feel like i'm irreparably behind. it's a long weekend so i think i will be caught up by the time class starts again!

emotions changing really quickly is like the trademark of BPD, and it's hard to remember that when i'm feeling really low i will probably feel good again soon. i think these diary entries will help. and stuff like exercise and eating always helps me to get there faster. along with prayer. the task now is just to do these things more instinctually.

feeling: pain

today was a 4/10

everything is painful right now. i hate that i ghost my friends. i hate that i can't stay interested in anything that used to give me meaning. i hate that i can't keep up with school. i hate what i've said to people when i'm angry. i want so desperately to just be loved, it feels like everyone rejects me and i just want someone to be in love with me.

it snowed today. i've been in bed most of the day because i'm tired. i'm missing assignments.

i just feel like i'll be sick forever. i feel like people find it so hard to like me. i don't know.

a good thing that happened today is i made food. i love cooking. and now i have some good food for tomorrow too.

pandemic isolation is really difficult, i think. a lot of my friends have physical touch love languages, and mine is quality time, so i feel really distant from people.

i guess it's not totally my fault for not keeping up with my friends either, because they don't text me all the time. we're all busy, we're all struggling.

i just really want to stop feeling disconnected from everything. maybe i need to start meditating more, but it's so hard right now. i feel disconnected from my identity, from my spiritual beliefs, from my passions, and from most of my friends. i am basically being held together by a bunch of random obsessions. i really just don't know who i am.

i know it's okay to feel lost, but it doesn't make it suck less. i want to "recenter" myself, but at the same time i just feel like reinventing everything. giving up, i guess. there's a passage in my DBT handbook about willingness vs. willfulness. i feel really stuck in willfulness right now, and i don't know what to do. i don't feel willing to change, to work harder. i drag my feet doing anything. i can't commit fully to daily life activities. everything is so hard.

i usually go for long walks in the forest when this happens. i haven't because i'm not sure if it will lead me to do something dangerous, but i'm feeling well enough that i think i might try. just try to connect back to my practices even though i feel like they have failed me.

(i titled this poem stevia, because at the time i felt like the whole friendship was fake sweetness)

when i cut off my first fp, it shattered me. i remember he told me i was overreacting and i probably was, but i had to explain that the reason i just stopped talking to him for two weeks was i was so angry and upset that i didn't trust myself to even speak.

i barely saw anyone that whole summer, i felt so, so terrible. i cried for weeks on end. i asked all of my friends over and over and over what to do, and i just couldn't figure out why it hurt so badly.

i felt so betrayed, because i told him he was the reason i was still alive, and i couldn't believe he would leave so easily. even though i treated him so terribly in that last month that him leaving was a rational decision. i felt like he never really cared about me. it's this classic "why didn't you stop me?" mentality. of course he didn't stop me, he was a 15 year old boy. it was just a mistake to him. it was the end of the world to me.

when i came back to school after that summer, i had to switch out of classes, i couldn't bear to see him. i had an anxiety attack every time i saw him for months. i was still. so. angry. and it was so irrational, because he had only said a couple of things that bothered me, and he had apologized, but i still felt like he had betrayed me.

i'm still bad with break ups, honestly. i always want to know why someone chose to hurt me, why they "never cared about me", even if that's not what happened. i still get angry months later.