as long as it lasts

BPD makes me very selfish. I only seem to think about my own needs. If I'm feeling unhappy, bored, discontent, then everyone is gonna know about it. I can't be a quiet borderline. I'm loud and obnoxious. Feelings are too strong and control me. And when I'm triggered, I act out atrociously. I'm never happy. BPD makes me perpetually dissatisfied. I just want to keep buying things to sink more into the endless hole, just to feel micro amounts of joy for short periods of time. And since I don't have much money, I've been a real asshole to be around. If I'm not buying things, eating, or high, I feel dead inside. And I have no idea how to break that. I don't know how to feel happy. I've never truly been happy a day in my life. Why can't I just be happy with what I already have? Why can't I be happy even when life isn't exciting? Why can't I just be happy around my family? I always need more, more, more. And I hate being that way. I am so self centered and I hate it but I can't stop.