the semester is almost over and i’ve decided to finally reflect on my life. i don’t really know where else to do it except here... i don’t keep a diary. when i used to be a lot more active, this place felt like home. i could do almost anything, ask people anything, talk about anything... until a lot of negative things pushed me away from tumblr. but it always feel good to write here, even if no one reads this. even if no one gives a shit about me anymore here. even if it was just 5 people before and zero people now. i loved this wide, wide world. i’m still really grateful.
so, here i am. entering my junior year of college after this semester is over. the stress of finding internship and job opportunities started to loom over my head this year. at first, it was just a small worry.... but from january until now, it’s been like an annoying, poisoning cloud, just bugging me in the back of my mind, constantly there, constantly making me feel this guilt. like i’m not good enough. that i won’t ever find anything. that i’m not trying hard enough. and that part, at least, is true.
i didn’t really know how privileged i was until i came to college. people would ask me how much i got in financial aid, and most of the people i met told me “damn, you don’t need any. you got money like that, huh?” i didn’t really feel that sink in until recently. i do live a good life. i have my own apartment. i get things when i want them. i buy new clothes, new games, new gifts, and it doesn’t come out of my pocket. i’m a fucking brat. and i feel really bad. so i really want to work hard, now. i fixed up my resume, and i applied to a bunch of places... but it’s looking bleak again. i think i started too late into the year. and now i feel like i’m going to slip back into a sulking, lazy mess again. i’m still fighting, though.
i quit smoking. i’m trying to drink less often. i think it’ll help me with building motivation towards my careers, and i want to take better care of my body. i’m tired of feeling tired out all the time.
basically i want to get my shit together. and i say this all the time, and people say this all the time... that they want to get their shit together. but i’m really tired this time, of not getting my shit together. i want to be someone. i want to do something.
and all the same time, i have people telling my to stop worrying and just enjoy the youth i’m in now. i met this girl who works at nintendo a week ago, and she was pep talking me about how i shouldn’t worry, how i should really live every day for the present, but she works at nintendo... would she be saying something different if she was struggling? if she wasn’t hard working enough, or blessed enough, to be working there?
and am i too worried about the future all the time? i think i am when it comes to my relationship. i always think too far into the future, and problems that could happen... even though no problems are happening. i think, “maybe he’ll get sick of me.” or “maybe he’ll cheat on me.” or “maybe he’ll find someone better, smarter. prettier.”
i always worry about these things. and it eats away at me.
but i love him. i really do. he is the sweetest, and this is my longest relationship. sometimes i think i’m too boring for him, which is my main worry, but i want to just trust him and trust his feelings.
i want to start learning how to say “fuck it.” i want to start being more confident. i want to stop worrying about every little thing, all the little things, all the fucking time.
but i also want to work harder. i’m tired of just doing whatever the fuck i want. i want to build something up for myself.
and i want to stop being all talk.
so, fuck it... here i go. let me try, and keep trying.
germansingergirl
gamechangershow
gracieabrams
romaincrisis
discoholicmusic
