When It’s Hard
Several months ago, I felt like I was drowning. I was on a steep learning curve at a new job where I felt completely lost, and I was rebuilding my personal life on several levels. Every little decision felt heavy. But I kept trudging through, hoping one day the struggle would end.
In the midst of this, my Dominant gave me a daily task. It felt nearly impossible some days. I’d get my daughter in bed and think about the task. I’d watch the minutes tick away before bedtime and try to summon up the energy to complete it. Once I completed it, I felt better. Proud. Accomplished. Connected to him. But before doing it, all I could feel was the exhaustion.
One night I asked permission to skip the task. My boss had completely scrapped my work product—a new experience for this perfectionist overachiever who was used to things coming easily. Suddenly, I felt incompetent. Then my daughter, sensing my stress, argued with me all night. It was all I could do to get her in bed before I collapsed in tears.
So I asked permission to skip the task. And he said no. I was furious. I told him if he loved me, he wouldn’t make me follow through. He calmly told me that he wanted me to follow through because he loved me. I called him selfish and insensitive. I refused to do it. He reminded me that I always have a choice: complete the task or accept punishment.
I sat for about 20 minutes, just staring at the wall. I felt empty. I reached inside and felt nothing. No energy, no worth. Just nothing. And then I got up, and I completed my task. I didn’t do it to avoid the belt; when I initially refused, I knew I’d take the belt for it. But the idea of intentionally disobeying him…that was too much to bear. I couldn’t. So I took my nothingness and made it something. I made it into service.
A few days later when the clouds had cleared, we talked about it. “You know I couldn’t let you off the hook,” he said. “You know it would have been the worst thing for you. It would have left you feeling alone and untethered.” He was right. There were other times when he did give me permission to skip the task, but that night it would have made everything worse. I was so grateful that he held the leash tight in that moment. He reached out to me in my darkness, and he didn’t let go. And neither did I.
I thanked him for the opportunity to submit. Then he said four words that made my heart swell. “I knew you would.”
It’s easy to submit when you have all the time and energy to devote yourself to it. But it’s much harder to submit when everything is going wrong. Dominance and submission aren’t just for when it’s easy. Many people are capable of putting on the role for short bursts. Months, even. But the moment it gets hard, they toss it aside. And they wait for a more convenient time to pick it back up again. It’s not about whether you can play the role; it’s about whether you are the role. Anything less is just D/s dress-up.
A deep D/s connection is about where you find your sanctuary. It’s about what feeds your soul. It’s about what replenishes you when you are stressed or sad or lost or returning home from battle to lick your wounds. If you can only give or take control when it’s easy, then it’s never going to be real or sustainable. You can’t build a relationship on that. But if you ache for D/s all the way down to your bones, then you show up no matter what. You follow through when it’s hard. You meet your partner’s needs, and in doing so, you meet your own. The dynamic can be so powerful that way. Especially when it’s hard.
