I probably should have done housecleaning instead. Partner's friends are coming tomorrow and he hasn't had time/energy to do most of the cleaning. I'm trying to turn over some of our stuff during this sale.
10 items for $60 + SH = ~$6-7 per item.
Select up to 10 clothing items, $15 or less, and bundle them. Send an offer for $60. I will accept. You will pay $60 + SH + Mercari fee. 8/15 - 8/31
Cannot combine other items in the bundle, so they must be shipped separately. <3
Lions.and.Exiles on Mercari
$6-7/item is especially cheaper than Goodwill. While our Salvation Army is cheaper *sometimes,* the quality is... honestly terrible.
Aside from personally deeply disliking SA, I have to admit that they are extremely popular locally- especially because they are one of very few who will pick up your donations. Very useful for the wealthier elderly people in our area. So the very $$$ furniture, authentic 70s wool skirts, all kinds of great stuff, goes to SA. BUT. They do not discriminate, either. Moth holes everywhere in a $15 pair of pants, stains all over clothes, worn-out straps on shoes, holes in towels, etc.
Everything in my Mercari shop is described. I try to include at least one relevant measurement for clothing and provide others upon request.
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If there's something you really want, maybe pick it up before the 8/15 sale.
8/15 - 8/31 Bundle up to 10 clothing listings, $15 or less, and offer $60. Accepted! $60 + SH.
Cannot combine other items in the bundle, so they must be shipped separately. <3
Lions.and.Exiles on Mercari
These things sold already!
I'm glad someone scooped them up now. I probably have a stack of 100 items to sort through, inspect, photograph, and list.
A lot came up the past two days but I'm going to push to list as much as possible every day for the next two weeks.
Eris is Protesting. She should be purring on my LAP, not to the SIDE while I play with weird cat bedding (uh... our clothes? See, this is why I wash everything.)
I spent too long thinking, and writing too long of a response, wanting to cut 90% and then going back and thinking "no, this person directly said _____ and that's what happened here..."
So tonight, I guess I'll tell an incomplete story. It's a long one.
----------------------
Someone on a blog wrote about how they have a terrible behaviour that they know is ruining their life, but they can't seem to stop. They want to hang out or relax for a night and somehow escalate from 1-2 alcoholic drinks to several, semi-regularly blackout drunk. The kind where they're awake and saying and doing things, they just don't remember any of it once they sleep and sober up. They get belligerent, hateful, and say deeply cruel things they know aren't true.
But at *least* they can keep a job and stuff. They've never lost their driver's license or anything.
They started doing mushrooms to help with the anxiety and hangovers but now those are also a daily crutch. But they really do help with depression and anxiety! So it isn't like it's an addiction... Look at all the reasons it isn't a Real Addiction!
Everyone else is telling them to try therapy to find the root of their emotional issues, fears, etc. That's a good step. A *good* therapist isn't like on TV. They're supposed to give you tools to assess and manage your own life better. Mushrooms DO actually seem to support people with clinical depression, so look into that but also look into needing them all the time without feeling in control or making excuses to take them. Alcohol causes clinical depression by destroying your stomach's ability to make serotonin, which your brain needs. Vicious cycle.
But they already know that, right? Because I bet this isn't their first time hearing all that.
You've heard all that, too. Haven't you.
I'm not going to rehash it, then.
Instead, I'll tell you about AR.
This isn't a scare story, like "this will happen to you."
It's about illness and why no one noticed. Why I should have known better and made excuses. How late I stepped in, and how little it meant by then. How I had no idea how bad things really were. How alcoholism isn't "just" addiction to alcohol, it's a series of choices, terrible events, comorbidities, and other stuff. How alcoholics lose their ability to use reason.
It's about loss. A funeral without a death.
AR was my friend of 25-ish years, since we were kids. Her family practically adopted me in all but paperwork. They were often the reason I had a safe place to be, food that wasn't just noodles or bread and margarine. They didn't just babysit. As overstretched as they were, they tried to include me often, even just for grocery shopping.
AR already was genetically predisposed to addiction, which does have a genetic component that gets worse if you have ADHD. It gets worse than THAT if you have underlying deep anxiety issues or OCD tendencies, which she did.
I still want her to get help and turn her life around. She has lost *everything* because she staunchly refuses to think about therapy or why "conflict avoidance" runs her life. It doesn't have to be this way.
Even as teens, wine and low-alcohol drinks were normal. The family isn't "New Jersey Italian," her dad is Actual Italian. Having a small amount of wine a few times a week (if you want it,) at home, with meals, was totally fine. A tiny amount of wine on Sundays in church (Catholic, of course) is fine. No one was having dinner and a full 6oz glass or anything at 15. We might be allowed 2oz or something. And again, if we wanted any. I usually didn't but only because reds gave me a headache.
With her parents away or long after they went to bed though... it's a glass, then two. No big deal. She's always had a lot of social circle friends, most of whom were 2-4 years older, who would come over and stay up all night on the giant porch. Sometimes it would be chain smoking, snacks, sharing a bottle of wine, maybe a few Smirnoff Ice or something cheap and more sugar than alcohol.
That's when it started getting a little out of hand. I don't recall being around anyone "peer pressuring" us like DARE commercials would have us believe. It was more like "Hey, I'm getting one, you want another?" or "Okay, I've had ONE glass... YOU had one... and... the bottle is almost empty, so did ____ have one or did we actually have more?" Social gatherings were comfortable, more or less controlled.
But "one glass" would become two bottles. One night, when we were around 17 or 18, it was eight doubles of tequila, showing off for those friends who were 21-23. She was throwing up blood after the ulcers all the OTC painkillers and alcohol had caused (before she got the kEDS dx,) so it went straight to her system.
She was scared straight after that. For a little while.
Started doing weed. Nothing major, just a little. Helps anxiety and being able to eat. Yeah, sometimes you don't consciously FEEL anxious, your body just Does That somatically, so you don't feel hungry. Plus all the pain from undiagnosed stuff we were told was "growing pains," and she had to recover from all the alcohol.
And she did.
--------
A few years later, I had a lot of shit to do. I lost track of everyone but me. Ah, the "eldest daughter syndrome" shows itself. Forever Responsible as the Oldest. I didn't check up on her as much as I maybe should have. I knew she wasn't mentally functioning as well as other adults. I was always the outcast who can't do anything right (autism, actually) but even *I* figured out that Something was Wrong.
Or maybe I'm just Really Good At This because I've always had to be the adult, and other early adults aren't actually supposed to be this competent. Once the intolerable freak, always...
She had a very cushioned life. Not "lofty," just cushioned, her parents paying for everything essential, she's never in her life worried about not having electricity or even had to share her room with anyone. She never had to get a job (and likely couldn't for a variety of reasons,) never paid for anything, etc. I had to work for everything and then some, and at 20 escape my ex, the whole "renal failure debacle," and some years where I worked endlessly to make ends barely meet. Plus, my own mysterious serious illness putting me in the ER off and on.
And still, I tried to help her, too. I knew she couldn't do most adult things. Like a stubbourn child, she would get bitchy and insist she could, but then have no idea how to do things like pay a water bill at 20 years old. She's an ADULT and doesn't NEED help but can't understand how to apply for EBT.
I knew she had Chrons, a really bad back, a hole in her spinal cord from the weight of cystic tissue docs refused to operate on since she was 14. Back then, insurance companies could declare it "pre-existing" and refuse coverage, too. So they did. They blamed "genetics" and wouldn't cover it. Her mom escalated it as far as she could. A fucking PODIATRIST was Blue Cross' "expert" on mastectomies. Y'all are Shocked about Blue Cross, lol not me.
The point is, the pain. A lot of it. Intractable and untreatable.
And then her mom died. There's. A Lot there. But what's important here is that there was no more insurance coverage of any kind. And soon, no shelter, either.
I'm the older one. I'll help as much as I can. I'm really good at figuring out paperwork and finances, navigating calls and managing people. I can pick up the slack and save her mom's house, help her with debt reduction, teach her how I did it... Her parents knew I'd look after her. I could help stabilize her as much as possible and then she could come to me with problems and questions. That's what I'm here for.
She's worried about day to day. I was worried about long-term. You can go a day without food and be fine. I would know. She's never been without a day in her life. Going without paying the water might mean serious consequences. She couldn't seem to genuinely conceptualize "consequences." She can say the words and might bullet-point what they might be, but can't actually fathom them being real. I don't live inside people's heads. I don't think she fully comprehended what was happening, but she was an adult who still had other relatives, including one who was an accomplished real estate agent. Surely, she'd already talked to them... And I backed off. (i should have seen this as conflict avoidance. if i'd recognised conflict avoidance, maybe... i ... Something, right? i could have done Something.)
Day to day, AR would start off with just a little alcohol for that debilitating pain that cannot be helped with... most drugs. And no insurance, no $$$$ medications. After YEARS, she got dxed with kEDS. kEDS is more painful than chemo, and it's lifelong in the sense that you have it until it kills you, and if you're lucky, it'll hurry up. Alcohol really DOES function to eliminate pain at first, which is why drunks walk away from car accidents that kill people.
It causes long-term nerve damage, but with any variety of EDS, that's already a given. EDS destroys your central nervous system. Not a special consideration. Someone who's drunk might stumble when they walk, but many types of EDS cause stumbling, dyspraxia, hip degeneration, joint instability, so we look like we're drunk all the time. Kyphotic type ESPECIALLY. It degenerates the spine, too, which means spinal cord injury and the whole vestibular system going to shit.
That's why no one noticed it was so bad at first. The concern was the serious, deadly genetic disorders. And her losing the house. Which... struck me as... like she was mad about it, but like how a kid would be angry that they lost a favourite toy. I couldn't understand, and I was consumed by my own life. She had to figure out hers. (did i fail her? i didn't fail her, did i...)
Alcohol wasn't remotely even a thought.
It wasn't like she was a "real" addict right? She really DOES need SOME KIND of pain control. This is helping her get through a day, able to do laundry, to sit in a classroom for two hours, to ride a bus by herself. If she smoked, too, she could even eat without vomiting. Maybe even twice a day! That isn't addiction. That's trying to hang on, despite everything.
My medical problems were getting worse. I felt a constant sense of doom. I didn't understand that when I first read it, but it's like... "the collapsing to the ground, total fear of inescapable terror" feeling I get when I hear sirens for nuclear warnings in history shows (Cuban Missile Crisis,) like it's a fear/despair so strong it's actually now just a genetic reaction. Like I could crawl under a porch and die. All the time. Freezing, cold to the touch, in 95F. Unable to warm up or cool down, couldn't sweat after my ex almost murdered me the first time, so that was overtaxing my heart, too. Once, collapsing at breakfast right after waking up, the ER saying I have a BP of 40/70, and this was hardly the first time they'd seen me...
How elated I was at getting the news when the first surgeon had offered to pay for her surgery, in exchange for tissue samples and data. It could have helped significantly. She was still in early stages. She hadn't lost the eye yet, the spinal cord wasn't that bad, she would avoid major pelvic damage. She would just need about $10k for the hospital. I could put it on credit. It would take all I had, just under a years' income, but I could pull it off. She wouldn't do it.
But AR, think about it... if we could bring back your mom for just $10k, would you? I can spend $10k now, and not question if I'd pay it to get you back. This is *spreading.* You could die from this. You are dying from this, a golden opportunity has just... appeared. From one of the BEST DOCTORS IN THE STATE.
One of us has to live. (It won't be me. I died last time, on the grocery store floor. And got back up. I might not get up next time.)
After that, she was a "functional alcoholic" for YEARS, like (OP) described. For a long while, she mostly held work. Not unusually unemployed for other people our age, in our area. She paid bills and all that. She had a boyfriend, although I thought she dated idiots. Clearly because they were Fun but also she had low self-esteem. Losing everything in her early 20s must have knocked some sense into her.
Mommy (bless her, she was a lioness) wasn't around to catch her. I couldn't always cover for her and we had this power struggle, where I'm the older sister she looks up to but also, I'm not in charge of her, she doesn't need to do what I tell her to. Even if it's just explaining steps to apply for something like EBT. Progress, though! Right?
For some years, she even stopped blackout drinking. She hated doing that and didn't want to become her dad. I thought she was getting more control of herself. Maybe she had for awhile. She had enough to deal with, with the body falling apart and still having to work. The money is in labour jobs here. So. Who cares about smoking more and more pot? It's not like she could take opioids. There's no money for other meds. OTCs don't do fuckall. (If she did opioids would be worse tbh, but again with the "hopefully it will kill you faster...")
There were some years of mental regression, BPD showing severity, struggle because of the guy she picked and would NOT leave (BPD again, and extreme conflict avoidance- which I could now recognise) all the Fun Stuff. As abusive and shitty as he was, even HE wanted her to get medical help. Some of his abuse was reactive, it seemed, to how fucking crazy she would get. He'll come up later. We'll call him "E" for Ex.
By maybe 2018-ish? got to where she COULD get actual medical help! Seriously, a MIRACLE. She even had offers of major surgeries being covered, ones that could do things like *reattach an eye* that snapped bc of kEDS. She had a year of multiple people willing to "tangibly help her in meaningful ways," which is precise but sounds like corporate speak. It meant she had shelter she didn't have to pay for, people to help her with daily stuff, and EXPERIENCED DOCTORS, some of whom wanted to pay for their part of the car in exchange for permission to do research. kEDS is *rare,* especially with some other factors.
And she turned it down.
She couldn't because uh... she had to work. Which she could totally do with one eye. Except she couldn't.
Okay well, for some of this, she'd have to move across the country. But she doesn't have a lease anywhere, no bills in her name, no pets, no kids. But it would be *hard* and *change* (conflict avoidance.)
She had a way to get there paid for. She COULD stay with one person she knew but chose not to, but could pay to rent a room with a part-time job. Okay, fine, whatever, and we could help with that as well. This is what credit cards are for. We don't really have $5-6k a year for anything and need to save for a wheelchair-accessible house, but it could save her life. Of course we'll help.
She went and set up with some of them... and stalled. It was scheduling (okay, could be. Reasonable. we all have that.) Then it was conflict with roommate (uh.... move in with....) Then it was..... .... .
Um okay, wait, uh it's because... she wouldn't have aftercare. (No, at least three people would be there through recovery.) Wait no it's-
Because a functional alcoholic is still an alcoholic.
Meds would help her, surgery would help, a dozen plus people will help and WERE helping, all the time. I had no idea how many people were "helping" her, $20 here, $100 there, grocery gift card, added to someone's phone plan for a free line...
She'd have to actually try for something and fix her life. Conflict avoidance, again. Fixing things is Hard and she needs to avoid ANY demand or opposition, no matter what. Easier to be carried. Easier to create drama and lie compulsively than to actually try for something.
Alcohol makes her feel AMAZING and capable ... until she's irritable, bitchy, and cruel, loudly sobbing on the staircases and yelling at people.
She turned down life-changing medical care from the leading experts in the COUNTRY for a bottle of fucking Barefoot.
EVERY TIME she'd have a major problem arising from her drinking, she'd SWEAR off alcohol! She's embarrassed at how she acts, she starts crying and says horrible things to people. She becomes childish and surly, like the really drunk angry crying women you see on those youtube bodycam videos.
And two months later, "Well, that was months ago. I'm not with that guy/at that job/etc. I can have just some red wine now and then. It's not *liquor.* I'm not *binge drinking.*" and "I started microdosing mushrooms. They really help with the depression. I'm in a clinical trial for it!" (She wasn't in the clinical trial. Which did exist, I was invited too, she just wasn't in it.) But eventually, back to alcohol.
I'd tell her I really don't think that's a good idea. She never stops anymore. She'd SWEAR, it's ONE glass. There might not be much in the bottle. But it wasn't 1-2 glasses or A shot of whatever. It was bottles. Because she didn't have "just one bottle" for the month... I was unaware that like, four other people also bought her a $5-10 merlot or something "to last the month." I didn't know she was that close with those people. We talked almost daily, sometimes for an hour or two, and rarely did any of those other people ever come up.
She called me because she was so sick one day, she couldn't stop vomiting. Again, kEDS, it's normal. Dehydrated, having autonomic issues, gets deadly fast. Normal for any form of EDS. Having problems *breathing*- like an opioid overdose. Which... also... does happen... with any form of EDS... And with kEDS and spinal cord damage, autonomic depression is a (serious) inevitable risk. Meaning, it WILL happen. That's how it works. Why would I think something other than that? She wasn't drinking more than a few glasses of wine a week, IF that. ... right? Even if she said just one or two, I mentally doubled that. She almost died.
She had been sober long enough to pass the tox screen at the ER that I made her go to. So I didn't think it was alcohol. She'd said she had two beers when her friends took her out, so it *played a part* in aggravating pre-existing dysautonomia, but dysautonomia is unpredictable. I don't make baseless accusations.
She sobered up, swore off alcohol, even just a beer or two... I sternly told her look, this is serious. Next time, you probably WILL die from this. You will probably die before anyone can get to you, even if you DO call an ambulance. You cannot handle vasodilators of any kind, especially not alcohol. Yeah, she isn't going to, this is too much, etc. etc.
A few months later... it's her birthday, everyone (supposedly) ditched her, it was my anniversary but my partner is awesome and said don't worry about it, take her out tonight. She took forever to get ready but I already knew that would happen. She's been massively dysmorphic about appearance since we were kids, and it's like all the progress she'd made in her 20s was depleted by E. Be patient and kind. She needs it most now.
We went out to see someone she supposedly knew. I thought it was an indie pizza place that served wine and beer, like most places in that area. It is not. It's a gentrified no-liquor wine bar with hot dogs and chips. ::raises eyebrow:: But okay, we are splitting one bottle of wine, on her birthday, and I'm keeping an eye on her.
She got WAY drunker than she should have been on two glasses. (Dysautonomia? Or was she drinking before I picked her up.) And then when I started cleaning up and told her we needed to wind down and leave, she went to the bathroom and... came back with another bottle. Now, y'all, I am the *opposite* with alcohol. I can drink like an old Russian dude. I actually stop stumbling because my feet and hips don't feel like they're filled with broken glass anymore, and my back isn't spasming. She's already getting loud and wheeling between whiny and overly excited about someone's dog. Barkeep knows damn well NOW to cut her off. The more I drink, the less she has...
She would NOT leave at closing. I had to talk her into leaving. At which point, a few spots down, she wants to wander into a bar-bar with loud club music "just to talk to her friend." I doubt they are friends. She kind-of knows this bartender's name. I couldn't hear anything. AR kept falling and dropping her whole open backpack of Stuff she cannot go anywhere without. She will not go home, she will not let me take her stuff to hold it. I think her "friend" asked if she's alright. I texted to cut her the fuck OFF. AR was so drunk, she didn't notice she'd been handed Sprite and club soda all night.
She's never drinking again, right.
I ended up doing something I felt absolutely terrible about. I'm responsible for her. I took her out, I'm her ride home. I look out for her. It is my job. She's family, she's more family than mine has ever been. I can't leave her.
And then I did. I left her there, without anyone to look after her. I told barkeep and the door guy that I was leaving her there, reminded them not to serve her any alcohol, and make sure she gets an uber (NOT a ride from anyone that wasn't either of them. I knew their faces by then.)
I don't know if she noticed how badly we'd fallen apart by then. She was already on thin fucking ice with the hospital trip.
A month later, it got much worse. SO much worse.
I found out from her friends, who I'd never talked to, that this isn't the first time. They'd had Talks with her about it, but she gets belligerent and rages. This has happened MORE than several times. Just not around me. And she'd barely ever mentioned any of them, so I'd never thought to ask. I believe them, though- I've seen her fly into these rages. Just rarely, usually over something big.
And her other friends tend to be pretty responsible and only serve very little if they're, say, having dinner. She figured this out and started pre-gaming. She could have died from this at any of our houses, in our cars, and we would have no idea why. We could be doing a few shots together at a bonfire, and suddenly need 911 and be charged because we'd "let" her drink to death. We'd have served the final glass. Her friend at the bar could have served her final glass. This is Florida, her alcoholism could turn us into killers.
She KNEW that. We'd EACH apparently had that conversation with her at some point or another, and she downplayed it. It made her upset, so it just wouldn't happen to her or some shit, we worried too much. Addict reasoning.
Also, she hadn't *actually* had a job in months by this point. I was wondering how she was paying for things. I thought she was doing ShiftGig and TaskRabbit stuff. She said so, and I didn't have reason to suspect otherwise. It's really hard to keep a job with EDS, even without any addiction issues. SG + TR are flexible. Nope, same as the alcohol, each of us was paying a grocery run, a water bill, she wasn't actually paying rent where she was staying, etc...
A few years later, there is no family left that will deal with her constant need to manipulate and lie, her inability to stay sober, her refusal to get actual medical help or even just therapy. None of the friends circle I met will deal with her.
The awesome guy she'd done LDR with for some years, who came down here now and then? She lost him. He had no idea about the drinking. I was under the impression that they stayed in and got fucked up together on the hols. She'd planned for it the past 2-3 years (or something, I didn't keep track.) That year, she got blackout drunk, flew from excitement to rage in minutes, hit him, and then almost gouged her own (working) eye out by trying to do... something??? with a bike? indoors? He's also ND, didn't know anyone here, was convinced we'd automatically stick up for her and cast him as a shitty boyfriend, and couldn't get home for days. She didn't remember ANY of it. In fact, she claims HE broke up with HER for NO REASON! (or he has someone else, the story was never straight.) She didn't drink too much, btw. She just went a little too far. "I HAD ONE BAD NIGHT" and we're all PUNISHING HER for it!!! Whatever the fuck that means.
No one wants to deal with her. Thank god we all managed to keep it from her dad. He would be heartbroken. He doesn't deserve this.
Last I spoke to her, she thinks SHE'S fine and we're assholes because we don't UNDERSTAND and she's SICK and needs HELP (that just so happens to only come in the form of cash, free rent for her hangovers, and alcohol.) Her perspective is that I just got sick of her because I want to only focus on my own life, abandoning her. I think the only reason she didn't try to use the "sick card" against me is because MY EDS is what led her to a diagnosis. She fucking knew I'd shut that shit down real quick if she'd tried.
Maybe I should have been more strict when we were younger. Should have learned the difference between enabling and 'understanding' faster. Should have talked directly to her dad and let her hate me early on. I'm good at being hated. Should .... logically, I didn't do this. Not actively. Not really. I can't control people, never thought I could nor wanted to. But I should have... done... I don't know. Something. Asked more questions sooner? Examined who her friends were (what was I supposed to do?) Nothing reasonable comes to mind.
I should have done... Something.
------
I can't imagine that she has enjoyed any of the past several years. Who wants to live like that. It's like... like there wasn't even a real person in her, the last year or two I'd been keeping up with her. It's like her voice was there, the body was there, but it was like... even animals have a sense of sentience. She was saying and doing things but it felt like no one was there. Just hunger and frantic scrambling.
I hope this never happens to you.
The person who was my friend is dead, but the body is walking around somewhere.
You still have friends, family, a life. I don't want you to lose them. And I don't want your family to lose you, either.
A super cool collection of vintage USA political pins! Mostly late 60s and early 70s, but Mondale/Ferraro was in '84.
Mondale famously lost to Reagan. While many people thought Reagan was wrong on a lot of stances, they thought Mondale didn't really have any real position at all (except, perhaps, NOT being Reagan.) Ahhhh, when will history repeat itself. Never, never...
McGovern was a Democrat and career politician who ran for president in 72. Johnson/Humphrey and Nixon/Agnew was 60s.
If you're looking for authentic memorabilia, not repros, these are for you. Show them to your American Government classes, US law classes, to current political runners as a piece of our history and something to learn from.
Lions.and.Exiles on Mercari
I'm sure I'll list more but right now, I need to focus on clothing for the upcoming sale!
8/15 - 8/31 Bundle up to 10 clothing listings, $15 or less, and offer $60. Accepted! $60 + SH.
Cannot combine other items in the bundle, so they must be shipped separately. <3
All of these shirts are size US-Medium, in great shape. No holes or stains, no smoke smells. Broken up into two lots, one short sleeve only and one long-sleeve lot with two tank tops. I put the tank tops in with the long sleeves because on a few, the necklines might be a little low for some people. I showed them in the photos though. <3
Fiber contents for each are in the listing! You don't have to guess!
Lions.And.Exiles on Mercari
(shop link above)
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I feel like I'm listing far too slowly, but PT and post-exertional malaise, daily chores that I have significantly slacked off on (because of PEM,) and sleep... So. It's like ALL my time these days are taken up with PT and rehab for hEDS, which is like bailing the Titanic out with a slotted spoon. I'm just trying to keep mobility as long as possible. I've never lived in a wheelchair-accessible place before. Even my office chair isn't compatible with getting around indoors all the time.
Goodwill CEOs might make another 1.19 million, but buying secondhand from shops like mine make an immediate difference in people's lives.
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reblogging posts you like help me quite a bit. if you 'like' something on mercari, it'll send you discounts. i lower prices gradually and about every 30 days, so just message me.
i also charge "actual shipping," which is just the weight, not the cost of gas to get to the nearest post office or UPS, or the cost of packaging.
yeah, yeah, i should, it's like 10 cents, but i use recycled packaging when i can and also, i have to drive past these places a few times a week ANYWAYS so i don't feel like i should charge you for that 20 minutes i spend in line. i know it's business these days but i just don't feel right about it.
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That "40% of men divorce sick wives" thing is FALSE
It isn't true. At all. Not even remotely close to true.
Believing this has a couple of issues:
1) men are bad and you should be anxious to be attracted to one or WORSE, in a relationship with one
2) fear of rejection is better than fear of being alone. Divorce (ultimate rejection) is the Worst Thing in the World
3) your only value is the physical labour you provide. any minute, illness will prove how worthless you really are. this study says so.
The woman who wrote this retracted it a long time ago, but NOPE, she's still being blamed for the coding error that produced bad results.
People LOVE repeating it. I did, too, some years ago. I was wrong.
This is a good thing! The study (as reported) saying marriages are only based on physical integrity is wrong!
Have a little more faith in your worth and the worth of people around you! Maybe tell the anxiety to go fuck itself for a minute, it ain't Miss Cleo, it can stop foretelling your doomed future.
The retraction was because the math counted everyone who NEVER RESPONDED, who dropped out, as "divorcing their wives."
Somehow a 6% increase for one specific variable jumped to 40% for everyone.
Which by the way, wasn't even the original result EITHER (again, the 20s,) but it got reported on over and over by sensationalist media until it was HUGE. Bigger number = more clicks = more money!!
Who also then ignored the retraction because it wasn't cool or interesting, attention-capturing enough. It just got ignored.
How convenient that a woman who *didn't even say that* is forever the Bad Guy.
The original author, Amelia Karraker, was emailed right after release by two other female colleagues to tell her that they couldn't replicate the results. Not being able to show the same results, or approx results, multiple times is a sign of a Big Flaw. She took full responsibility and retracted it immediately, fixing it before republishing.
A widely reported finding that the risk of divorce increases when wives fall ill — but not when men do — is invalid, thanks to a short strin
There are lots of other limitations on that study. These are not flaws. It means the study ONLY applies to them. There is no data on other relationship types in this.
- cisgendered people only
- in a heterosexual relationship
- who are 50 or older
To find out if their retirement years marriages are going to end SPECIFICALLY because of heart disease, lung disease, stroke, or cancer. Just four factors, nothing else.
Did you get a spinal cord injury in a car crash? They're not looking at you. MS? Lupus? Cerebral palsy? You are not in this study. ONLY those four factors are in this study.
The chances of men divorcing women is only elevated for heart disease, and only by 6%.
That study does NOT cover actual reasons for divorce, either. It just says that people DID divorce.
We can't jump to conclusions on that and let all of our other daily discussions about American healthcare fall out of our brains.
For example, my partner and I almost divorced after 10 years specifically because USA disability might not help me if we stayed married, and I had technically already died. That's how bad it was before I got approved. I have a progressive connective tissue disorder that's ruined the entire body and barely can be treated. SSI is *slightly* important. I initiated the conversation because I didn't want to bankrupt him. We'd stay together, just navigate the challenges of qualifying for income. One day, we could get a house that was ADA accessible, and out of these rundown apartments that cost more than a mortgage. We didn't almost divorce because "I got sick." It was because "I got sick and it could do far worse than ruin us both and people who rely on us."
My grandfather nearly divorced after lung cancer because the costs and debts were 'shared' legally between them, and it would bankrupt 'the survivor' when he inevitably died. Hundreds of thousands of dollars stacked on a 70 year olds' shoulders. Divorce from serious illness isn't "common," but in the US (where the study is done) is practical to avoid homelessness and worse. He wasn't divorcing her because of illness. She wanted to stay together. It's symbolic.
Which may be another factor on why women didn't divorce men as often in that one statistic: emotional values vs. practical values.
Divorcing does not inherently mean the person hates you.
If anything, I think we've seen that abusive men DO NOT WANT DIVORCE because they want to maintain control. What's easier to control than a wounded bird, completely dependent on him for all income and unable to do what they want because of crippling lung or heart disease?
My friends' ex harassed and argued with her daily but never actually kicked her out. It was better to keep someone who couldn't leave. He had someone to rage at whenever he felt like it.
Yesterday, I commented in a forum about a man who was babytrapping his wife. He demanded to have a kid she didn't actually want, convinced her it would better the relationship or some shit, and then once she was unemployed, taking care of an existing small child full time, while going through an awful pregnancy, he treated her like absolute shit- worse than before, apparently. Think he's going to initiate divorce? lol no.
Why would my stepdad initiate divorce from my severely bipolar mother, when he gets to beat the shit out of her all the time and then claim he's Such a Good Man because his poor wife is crazy, he pays for EVERYTHING, he raises her kids, even though she's SO crazy...
*That's* normal abusive behaviour if you get sick.
See, when you get caught up in this narrative that "men only want women to be house cleaners and child bearers," you ALSO get caught up in the idea that if you STOP doing that, he'll get rid of you. If you stop cleaning the floors, you are worthless.
Sweetie, an abusive man will never get rid of you. The point is to keep you as his object forever. In fact, an abusive man will convince you that you ARE worthless- no one else but him will want you. And you will stay his object. Forever.
But women are taught to cling to the fear of Being Alone because it's WORSE than the terrifying fear of Rejection, and Divorce is the ultimate Rejection! Like it's better to go through chemo with some aggressive, unstable douchebag in our lives vs. doing chemo alone and having to schedule rides and go to a food bank sometimes.
Divorce isn't the end of the world. Sometimes it frees you for another beginning. Why is divorce the thing everyone's caught up on?
What are women supposed to get out of constant low-grade fear of their cismale partners? What benefit is there to this? Who does that fearmongering target? Perhaps people who already are prone to emotional instability from higher rates of violence, hormone fluctuations, socially-conscripted carer roles...
A few years ago people were shocked when a new study came out showing that husband's were more likely to leave their wives when they fell se
Here is another (easier to read) source with more similar studies, with their findings and flaws:
Here’s the actual source of this claim — and how the internet has twisted it
The facts are, most men aren't absolute shit.
And saying that shouldn't have this automatic Big Mad reaction like "OH you're one of THOSE misogynists who say NOT ALL MEN." naw, bitches, no "not all men." Sometimes legitimately, for real, not all men.
I'm in a lot of circles for chronically ill people, and my partner now also networks with both chronically ill people similar to me AND carers and partners for us. Most people are dedicated to each other, have moved cities so one could have better doctors, lost jobs because they don't qualify for FMLA (that's medical leave in the States,) done all kinds of things for them. THAT is a normal experience.
If you got this far and you really care about marriage equality for severely ill people, think about how applying for medical assistance screws us over.
I've had a migraine building for a few days. I thought it might partially be that possible tiny spinal cord leak. They're common with hEDS. You can tell by the *kind* of pain, especially how it gets worse the more you stand and the weird taste of metal. Blood pressure can also cause headaches that gets worse with standing, but that metal taste and stuffy nose is a giveaway. Ended up taking triptans when it got bad yesterday and slept a few hours. It's helped. Now I just feel like I have that post-flu malaise.
Soooo after the hospital, I've done almost nothing. I haven't been able to help the friend with her parents, transport for the 501c3 company for two weeks, or help the friend who was *also* in medical crisis only a few days later. x.x I've spent at least three days, mostly laying down. Sometimes I even get to sit up!
Marmalade is trying his Orange best. He has head-butted me, drooled on me, made lots of biscuits, and laid next to me while slapping me with his tail. He is trying SO hard.
ah well. in a "sitting up period" right now.
I had taken a bunch of photos for mercari last week and halfway set up some listings. I can sit down on the floor (so I can't fall) and finish those. I need things like measurements, weight, final look-over for details, etc.
Despite low prices I actually do inspect everything I list. It could take half an hour or more, from photographing, colour correction/brightening, titles, description, looking over the item for any flaws, lint-rolling, weighing, etc. before posting. This doesn't include washing things when I get them.
These are a few things I've finished up this weekend. Also looked at some stuff that hasn't sold. I'll either be pulling it on Monday for a charity group, or lowering prices. I already put 72-hour sales on dozens of items, so take a look!
Discover deals on everything from secondhand fashion to pre-owned collectibles, electronics, books & more on Mercari. Your go-to marketplace
I am very fortunate to have sold some things in the past few months. They've helped a lot. Vash continues to have bad digestive problems. We're going through all kinds of limited ingredient, diet, GI-friendly cat foods. Smalls, Evanger's, Science Diet, Nulo, Wellness CORE... $$$$$
He's on four meds now and just got off three others for a URI. He's more susceptible to normal infections because his digestive tract isn't working (just like humans are more prone to illness.) Plus he's pretty old for his breed. ~15 years now.
So this is an assortment of sold items. Remember that on clothes and most other things, you can make offers. I give discounts for 3+ items checked out at once, which also combines your shipping.
I know I'm posting a lot today. I did a lot this weekend. I want to keep that up instead of endlessly scrolling or watching forensic files reruns while I zone out.
Eris is Helping.
I took some photos of clothes to sell. I have piles. Put other things on discount, too. Lots of mercari stuff is under $10 and you can stack another discount with 3 or more items.
Here's a preview of things going up tonight-Tuesday!
All clothing listed has measurements (except the bra.)
can you freaking believe that otterbox is STILL listed for like, $30 online??? omg. haven't tried it on the S26, but it's worked for a couple versions of the S because the camera outlet fits regardless.
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Why it's (actually) hard to spot abusive parents + how estranged family works
it wasn't just that my parents are somehow unusually devious or that people on crime shows are somehow intellectually superior planners or manipulators
and it isn't your neighbours or babysitter's fault for "not seeing it."
it actually is harder to spot abusive parents.
the same way a friend started to get away with compulsive lying. she's not particularly bright, actually, she's deeply immature and has somehow regressed to acting like a small child in the past four or five years. she just learned which lies she'll "get in Trouble" for (you know, like a five year old) and which ones people accept. because the "acceptable" ones seem plausible and/or are half-true.
estranged parents who rage about their adult kids "going no-contact" operate the same way:
they know which lies are "acceptable" and how to frame themselves to not experience any "conflict"- while directing all "conflict" at someone else.
for example, this might look like "all I did was give my daughters' diary back when i found it, and she flipped out at me!" when actually, she "found" her daughter's diary by searching her room every day when the teenager went to school, got caught, and the teenager had experienced a string of behaviours like this ALREADY and rightfully cut her off.
this mostly reaches other emotionally-driven people
emotionally knee-jerk people react to these stories the same way they knee-jerk react to very emotionally biased stories on Fox or MSN.
a less-emotional person might say "wow, that's extreme. so what happened?" (what's more likely- an angry teenager gets handed back a diary and burns all bridges the minute they move out, despite significant loss of financial and social support, including an environment where she can't even apply to college without the parent's tax info until she's 24 or married? or is this actually NOT how mommy dearest SAYS it went down, and there's more to the story?)
you are much more likely to believe the abusive parent because they know how to twist you. i'm not sure it's really a conscious, planned thing. more like... they *actually do think this way.* they actually DO believe they've done "nothing wrong."
at no point do they ever think "wow, that was fucked up, i better hide it."
instead, it's "that never happened. ... okay, maybe it did happen, but not like that. .... oh, there's proof... uh... well, they deserved it."
(maybe don't read through this without a therapist, but the link goes to the index page, which explores topics like "who is this about?" and "who is it NOT about?")
---------
if you're sitting here, raging because OMG ANOTHER KID GOING NO-CONTACT WITH THEIR MOTHER *WHO RAISED THEM* AND *GAVE THEM LIFE* AND blahblahblah... first, how did you even get this far, and second, ok! you can have them! both of them!
if you *actually look,* no one is talking about the "estranged parent" scenario where their 20yo isn't talking to them because they're on heroin and stealing from them all the time. no one is talking about that. that is not what that means.
it's like the difference between "boymom" and "mother of a male child." "parental estrangement" is not "parent not talking to their adult kid."
------------
but if this was your parent, you might not have "gone no-contact." actually, MOST people do not "go no-contact." most people go "managed low-contact"
low-contact or managed-contact is where you'll show up for certain family functions, you might check up on a parent to make sure they're medically healthy, or like my mom, making sure she remembered to buy food recently. you might go to visit minor siblings, but set boundaries about conversations.
a boundary is a rule for YOU, not for others.
not a boundary: don't talk about bill gates being a secret jew taking over the world through turbo cancer vaccines (oddly specific but hi dad)
boundary: if you talk about bill gates being a secret jew taking over the world through turbo cancer vaccines, i am leaving. and possibly calling CPS (but where i live this seems like acceptable parenting.)
in the meantime, you may want to pick up tools for your life and examine whether they fit
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CALL THE AMBULANCE. DO NOT DRIVE, DO NOT GET AN UBER, YES EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE NO INSURANCE.
your phone's lock screen should ALWAYS have an ICE number (In Case of Emergency.) ALWAYS.
also lock your phones with a password, not fingerprints or your face. because cops can just take a photo of you or press your hand to your phone to open it. so. there's that. but if you need to, write the PIN on your hand and label it PHONE.
write the most important stuff on your hands and wrists: diabetes, EDS, stuff that can kill you.
write what you did and approx what time. new med? dusted weed? (if you have a sample, give them that.)
i wrote my blood type bc if they couldn't solve it with saline, an anti-cholinergic might not be okay either... but replacing blood? maybe.
my husband was right, charge your damn phone above 60% even if you plan to be home all day.
i'm fine now but for some hours, idk mostly wait and see
there's some links in the full story for things like stroke recovery, CPR stats, reasons to 100% go to an ER, etc.
the full story
I tried a new med yesterday.
It would have been a miracle.
Pyridostigmine could have helped with the weakness. It might have replaced the Biotene, the 2-3 tubes of eye drop gel, and two other meds. Maybe even some of the braces that leave bruises if they're strong enough for support- even just for a little while.
It's off-label for POTS, some of the lasting effects from a TIA-like episode in 2011, and Sjörgen's syndrome.
I read everything I can get from 3-4 really thorough sources before taking anything for a reason. I take notes- physically, not digitally. I am careful to note reversal and first aid for OD.
Writing by hand helps with memory. If you can, try it. Sometimes "bad handwriting" is poor fine motor skills because your hands have to learn or re-learn how to do it. I re-learned after a TIA-like event in 2011. (I did not use these videos bc it was 2011 and I barely had a computer. Also, most youtube videos like this didn't exist yet.)
That did Not Happen.
JUST FUCKING CALL AN AMBULANCE OKAY
There are no Cool Person Points for weathering a medical emergency on your own if you can avoid it.
No insurance? JUST PAY THE AMBULANCE. TRUST ME HERE. (but you might not have to pay the ambulance.) DO NOT TAKE AN UBER IN AN EMERGENCY. THAT PERSON CANNOT HELP YOU. also you're being really shitty by putting a stranger in that position wtf what is WRONG with some y'all
Anyways
Not "going to the ER for every little thing" is not the same as "not going in a real emergency," and a lot of us broke folks grew up internalizing that SERIOUS problems were ridiculous and too expensive to see a doctor for. And we die for it.
(by the way, here's a list of stuff to absolutely not ignore. remember that if YOU are the one impaired, you probably do not think there is a problem. this is not a character flaw. it's your brain fucking up. if you see this in someone else, you need to take initiative.)
i have very little sense of what is a "real emergency" because i'm one of those people that's so used to just Surviving shit and not having money or resources, including doctors around that can help.
In the interest of NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH THAT LIST
Pyridostigmine can have a nasty paradoxical effect: instead of making muscles work better, they can make them... stop working.
The heart is a muscle. So you know.
About 9:30am, took the med for the first time with a small amount of cheerios. Helps with the nausea. Which did kick in about 20-30mins later.
Now it's important to know that nausea is often "standalone" but *can* come with vagus nerve dysfunction, common in people with hEDS. Like me. That nausea is because the heart is actually having a problem. There's no way to tell immediately... I have to let it progress. Also, this is a very normal side effect. No big deal. GI issues are normal for the first 2-3 weeks. Bloating, followed by a minor adrenaline rush, was also pretty normal by 10:15. That adrenaline rush COULD be a reaction from bloodflow to the abdomen because of the pain, OR it could be... you guessed it, the heart freaking out.
I get dizzy when standing up *anyways,* often followed by more nausea and a brief sense of wanting to vomit. This is blood pressure adjusting. Normal for 20 years or so.
Wait. All of that together can't be good. Ever hear me harp on how when YOU'RE the one compromised, you don't always know? Right. When you figure it out, it might be later than sooner. Minutes count.
By 10:40, HR is 41 (half of my usual) and BP was 137/65. Fast arrhythmia. The lower heart rate goes, the higher blood pressure goes to compensate for it. This drug had not kicked in all the way yet. Which means it could get worse. oh shit. fuck. ... k. I can handle a lot of bad heart-related shit at home, but if it gets worse, I won't have time to call emergency services.
CPR actually only works about 12% of the time outside the hospital and I'm pretty sure it CANNOT work if you have med-induced muscle failure. Do not let yourself think that CPR is amazing and it's fine to be careless because CPR will save you. Pretend it won't and 88% of the time, you'll be right. What I'm saying is that even if someone with me HAD been trained, it literally would not fucking matter. 0% matters.
You know who can fix that? An ambulance. An ambulance can immediately assess you for stroke and seizure, which can happen with cardiac fuckery, put saline in you to hopefully dilute the drug and stabilize your BP, and do other stuff to keep you alive.
Not someone driving you to the hospital. Even if there is a second person in the car who can "check on you," what the fuck are they going to do. Functionally, what will they do. Nothing. That's what.
I called the specialist who prescribed it and told them I was going to the hospital. It's 20mins away at most, I could still likely drive well enough.
Then the adrenaline started to wear off and the slurring kicked in. Still mentally pretty capable, but physically losing it. Only in my face, though. I can drive with a numb face. It's practically muscle memory. I've spent years driving with migraines and painful auras. Had to.
Less than two miles from home, I felt the coolness of the adrenaline wearing off. ...... oh shit. I called 911, but while I was on the phone, I started slurring more and could feel my driving getting worse. Marginally but Enough, and I wasn't going to try it. I told them to meet me at a nearby parking lot a few blocks away, where I knew the business wouldn't tow my car (bonus perk.) By the time the paramedics arrived, I'd be there already.
I wrote the drug, dose, time taken, hEDS, and POTS on my wrist where they'd see it. Phone PIN on the other. My ICE (that's In Case of Emergency) number is my lock screen but my doctor's numbers are in my Contacts by specialty and name.
I compensate for losing control with extra caution, so parking wasn't actually difficult. I pulled up right after they did, but they were at the other end of the lot. I put my feet up on the dash and leaned the chair all the way back. This helps with blood flowing back to the heart. Wasn't sure if they'd be able to understand me once they got there. Would I pass out in that minute or so? It could happen without more than 2-3 seconds of warning.
This was extremely useful, as it turned out. When I was slow to recall things or couldn't say them because of the muscles going numb, I could still read/write and had already written it out. On my hands and wrists, where they'd put an ID bracelet.
One of the medics thought to turn off the hazard lights. Good man. I had completely forgotten. That happens as your brain loses oxygen.
I could still somewhat carry a conversation. What was normal for me, what wasn't. Left-sided face not responding; possible FAST mark, but normal for me post-TIA. When that happened, that it wasn't diagnosed as a TIA, described the cascade and after-effects (needing to re-learn writing, getting words wrong for over a year, my face never quite going back...)
I couldn't always get the drug name right. Pyroxi-dine? Pyramidox... Pyr... misti... gine? Good thing I wrote it while I could remember.
Third adrenaline wave was short, after I was checked in to the hospital. I was lucid, I felt FINE again. A little tired, but overall fine. Like I could just call it a day and get back to chores. (Remember: adrenaline waves LIE. What's in between is true.) I had a short problem with right-side leg shaking, which has happened a few times when pain gets really bad. I'm not on CNS depressants anymore so I'm more prone to localized seizures and other odd neuro stuff.
I could thank them and keep track of answers and not-joked about how ADHD + stress turns me into a hyper-organized, focused person. I'm really not that afraid. I called before that could happen this time. They can't help me either, if I let myself get worse... they don't deserve that.
Their info was relayed to the ER for me. They confirmed it, but if I hadn't been conscious anymore, it would have (probably) been fine.
By 1pm or so, I was finishing a bag of saline and a second round of bloodwork. Hospital standard, but also, helps me to see if maybe I have a deficiency that altered the medication (like anaemia or magnesium deficiency, which can cause localized seizures to amplify.)
My "improved" BP was 148/92, HR 65. ::sighs:: Not Great. BUT safer than forty-fucking-one.
I walked only some blocks to the bus, which I *just* caught and the very sweet bus driver let me take the one stop to the transit station without paying. Which was great because I had just one fare on me. It's all an app now and my phone died in the ER.
y'all guess who was at the transit center? the same fire rescue/paramedic team that picked me up. haaaa, cool.
Since they had a larger team loading up the person, I took a moment to thank them again and let them know that I'm fine. I was in bad shape some hours before, but full recovery. Having that drug info written on me helped. I wasn't overly cautious.
I hope this never happens to you.
I consider this event very "minor," but it was only "minor" because it could have been much worse. I've had a lot worse.
But really, it wasn't "minor." Sudden heart failure isn't "minor." It's deadly.
For sale: Black Gothic Lolita Dress + Petticoat M/L
Ahhhh! Such a nice dress! No name brand, but really good quality for the price point. Neckline is elastic, so the wearer can adjust it on their shoulders as they like. Comes with a nice, poofy petticoat, also black.
Dress says Large, petticoat is M, but both have nearly the same waist measurement: 13-13.5", flat.
